Bartering in Secrets
by TdeAlba
Summary: You would think the citizens of Llanview would have figured out that they always come out eventually... How they wind up impacting sibling relationships as well as romantic ones. Mostly JohnNatalie with some MichaelNatalie, JessAntonio. Finally Complete
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own none of these people.

Author's note: This was started several weeks ago, so the continuity is a littl off from where the show is now.

* * *

She suddenly understood all those evangelicals who used to stand on the boardwalk and rail against the evils of gambling and booze. Booze was definitely evil. Even in the dim light of the hotel corridor she had to shield her eyes against the brightness; her head felt as though it was about to collapse under its own weight. Her legs felt like lead and the only thing that kept her shuffling along was the imperative that she not be seen. She checked her watch; almost 4 a.m. She should be able to make it through the lobby to safety; Roxy was never up by four. 

"Walk of shame?"

Shit!

Unfortunately, _he_ never went to bed by four.

"Rex!" she said turning around and trying to look nonchalant. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for coffee," he said, raising a paper cup.

"They have coffee at this hour?" Natalie asked, thinking that coffee could definitely help right now.

"Well, Roxy never remembers to shut off the coffee pot, so there's coffee behind the desk at any hour. Not good coffee, but at 4am do you really care?"

"And you really find it easier to come here than make your own coffee?" she asked, taking the cup from his hand without asking.

"Shannon threw my coffee pot at the wall one time when we had a fight. Well, actually, she threw it at my head, but it hit the wall. Long story. Anyway, I never bothered to get a new one," he said jumping back over the desk and pouring himself a new cup. "So what are you doing here? Or is who the more pertinent question?"

"It's not what you think," she said.

"So you're not sneaking out of McBain's room?"

"You really don't want to talk to me until I've had more of this," she said taking a gulp of her coffee. It definitely wasn't good coffee. It was quite possibly the worst coffee she'd ever had, but it was better than nothing.

"Judging by the look of your clothes and hair you were doing a lot more than talking upstairs," he said with a wink.

She groaned. "Please Rex; I don't want to talk about it." She tried to stagger towards the door.

"Natty!" he said jumping in front of her, "What's up with you? You should be celebrating! You did it! You went after Johnny McBain and you got him," he held out his hand, waiting for her to high five him. Instead she pushed past him and continued towards the door. Her legs wobbled underneath her and she caught herself against the wall. "Are you hung over or still drunk?" Rex asked her, a faint hint of concern entering his voice.

"Both, I think," she said resting her head against her hand, "is that even possible?"

"Depends," he said, with obvious expertise, "how much you drink?"

"Just a couple of beers," she said.

"A couple meaning…?"

"Four or five."

"That's not that bad-" he began.

"And about half a bottle of tequila," she added.

"Okay, that's-"

"And some scotch, I think…"

"Natalie?" a new voice asked from the front door of the hotel. No, no, no. Not him. Anyone but him. Rex gave her a confused look.

"Hi John," she said without looking at him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Coffee," she said, raising the paper cup in her hands. Rex, his back turned to John, gave her a look somewhere between shock and amusement. "You're out late; work?"

"Yeah," he said, "Just looking through some files. I-" Seeing Natalie trying to stand up straight without wobbling he seemed to suddenly remember the strange time and place of their conversation. "Is everything okay?" he asked, walking closer.

Damn it, of all nights when she wanted him concerned about her this was not the one.

"I'm fine," she said, "I just…" Just what? Got drunk and did something really stupid.

"She just had a little too much to drink," Rex jumped in.

John didn't seem entirely satisfied with this explanation, but he seemed to believe it. "You gonna be okay to get home?" he asked, trying to make eye contact with her. John could be an insensitive jerk sometimes, and the one night that she deserved him to be he was back to Mr. Sweet and Protective.

She nodded, avoiding his eyes. They were cop's eyes, used to looking for clues, used to looking for any change in a suspect's demeanor that would give away what they were hiding. If he looked into her eyes, he would know.

"Yeah, I'll make sure she gets there in one piece," Rex said, putting an arm around her. She tottered from the weight of it and fell against him.

"Well, take care of her," John said, patting her on the shoulder as he walked by and went upstairs.

Rex restrained himself until John was safely out of earshot and then burst out laughing. "Oh my GOD!"

"It isn't funny," she grumbled.

"So you weren't in Johnny boy's room, I take it."

"No, I wasn't," she said walking to the door, "Now can we just go."

Rex practically bounced alongside her. Where, oh where did he get that kind of energy this late… early… whatever it was? "So whose room were you in?" he asked.

"I really don't want to talk about it," she said, still walking. "Where's your car, anyway?"

"Back at Ultra Violet." She groaned at the idea of the long walk. "Which gives you plenty of time to fess up."

"Not likely," she insisted.

"Okay, well at least tell me if it's someone we know?

"You think I would go home with a stranger?" she asked, strangely offended by the insinuation.

"I didn't think you'd go home with anyone but McBain, so-" he cut himself off suddenly. "Oh my _GOD_!"

"What?" she asked, hoping he hadn't just figured out the answer.

"You _were_ in McBain's room!"

"You saw him come in the front door, how would we have managed that?

"I saw John come in the front, but there's another McBain living here."

"You should really use your powers of deduction for good instead of evil," she said.

"You were, weren't you?" he continued, "You _must_ have been drunk?"

"I need a shower," Natalie moaned, stumbling over a crack in the sidewalk.

She managed the remaining blocks with remarkable speed considering her condition. Rex waited until they were inside his car to question her further.

"So you wanna tell me what happened?" he asked as they pulled out of the parking lot.

"I thought you'd pretty much figured that out," Natalie mumbled leaning her head against the passenger side window.

"Well, yes, but I doubt you just woke up this morning and decided to sleep with the wrong McBain, so how did this all come about?"

Natalie shrugged, "I got really, really drunk."

"That much is obvious," her brother said, "but there's always a reason when you take these little self-destructive turns."

"This is self-destructive, isn't it," she whimpered.

"Not especially," Rex sighed, "you have made much better attempts at destroying yourself than this. But what happened that made you run out and get smashed?"

Natalie took a deep breath, knowing she was gong to sound a bit ridiculous, "Evangeline came by the station today."

"Okay." Clearly Rex did not understand that that woman could drive anyone to drink.

"She was looking for John and he wasn't there"

"And?" Rex asked waiting for the point of the story to arrive.

"And I said some things and she said some things-"

"Not like it's the first time," Rex interjected.

"She said some things that kind of hit home," Natalie said softly.

"Such as?"

"She said if I wasn't careful I was gonna get John killed too."

"What did she mean, 'too'?" he asked warily.

Natalie didn't answer; she just stared at the road.

Rex got it, suddenly, "She meant Christian? She's saying that that was somehow you're fault? Please tell me you bitch-slapped her for that."

"Verbally," she said, "but she had a point."

"Natty there's no way that was your fault," Rex said grabbing her hand. "You know Tico Santi ordered Christian's murder."

"Rex, every guy I've ever been involved with had either wound up evil or dead or both," she protested.

"So you have bad taste and worse luck," Rex said, "It's not like many people in this town are doing much better."

Natalie sighed, not convinced, but not having the energy to argue. "Well anyway, I let her have it, and I guess I was pretty loud because Uncle Bo heard and he called me into his office later on and told me that I had to make sure my personal life didn't interfere with my work."

"And you told him to make sure Evangeline stopped showing up and interfering in your work?" Rex asked indignantly.

"I was so embarrassed; I really don't want Uncle Bo thinking I can't do my job. I promised I wouldn't let it happen again."

"And somehow this translated to you and Michael McBain…"

"I went to Rodi's to unwind. I had a couple beers and I was playing pool and Michael showed up. He started picking on me like he always does and I started picking back. And we kept drinking…" she trailed off, her head in her hands.

"And at some point he got tired of pulling your pigtails and invited you home with him?"

"No, but after I kicked his ass at pool a couple times he said I had an unfair advantage and we had to move on to darts. And I think that's when we moved on to tequila too."

"Natty," Rex said in mock exasperation, "you know better than to drink beer before liquor. Didn't Roxy teach you anything?"

"Oh god," Natalie suddenly whimpered, "I'm turning into Roxy, aren't I?"

"Not by a long shot," Rex assured her. "So you started playing darts…"

"And he just kept getting more and more obnoxious and I turned and the dart slipped out of my hand-"

Rex burst out laughing, "You threw a dart at him?"

"Well, not on purpose," she insisted, "but you wouldn't believe how deep those things will go."

"How hard did you throw it?"

"Hard enough it stuck in his shoulder and it was bleeding pretty bad. So I offered to take him to the hospital, but he said he had gauze and stuff in his room and he'd be okay."

"Uh huh?" he prompted her when she didn't continue.

"And I volunteered to go with him. 'Cause you know it was on his shoulder and it's hard to bandage your own shoulder."

"So basically you invited yourself up to his room?"

"But it really wasn't like that. I just felt guilty for maiming him," she insisted.

"Okay, so then?"

"So then he broke out the scotch. At least I think it was scotch. Coulda been turpentine at that point. And he took of his shirt so I could see the wound-"

"Very convenient," Rex said making a mental note that shoulder injuries could be a good ploy for future use.

"And…" she didn't seem to want to continue.

"And?"

"And I dunno we just started kissing."

"And?"

She glared up at him, "And use your imagination."

"Cut to me running into you in the lobby," he finished as they pulled into the driveway or Llanfair.

"Pretty much," Natalie said trying to climb out of the car but forgetting to unfasten her seatbelt first.

"Yeah, you have to take that off first," Rex said clicking the release for her. He climbed out of the car then circled around to help her up to standing. "Where are your keys?" he asked, not trusting in her ability to unlock the front door on her own.

Natalie plunked the keys into his hand. He let them in the back entrance that led into the kitchen and helped his sister sink into a chair. "Coffee," she mumbled.

"No," Rex corrected opening cabinets in search of a glass, "water. You're not going to feel better unless you rehydrate yourself."

By the time he had the glass of water ready, Natalie had her head buried in her hands and was shaking gently. Rex was pretty sure she was crying.

"Aw come on," he said putting down the glass, "the sex couldn't have been that bad."

"Rex this isn't funny," she choked out, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Okay, I'm sorry," he said, "but you have to admit that if you weren't involved you'd be laughing too."

"That's just it," she said, "I'm not supposed to be involved in things like this. I don't do things like this."

"Right, and at a later time we'll discuss how twisted it is that you get more upset over sleeping with a nice, albeit somewhat lame, guy then you do over almost getting yourself killed. Seriously Sis, everyone makes mistakes like this from time to time."

Natalie forced down a gulp of water, "You just think that because you hang out with skanks."

"At times yes," he conceded, "but I've spent a lot of times in bars, and I'm telling you, you would be shocked at the otherwise decent people who go home with people they never intended to leave with. And honestly, Sis, you've done worse than this in your time."

Natalie stared into the bottom of her glass. "What are you really so upset about?" Rex asked putting a brotherly arm around her.

Natalie looked at him; something other than remorse over a drunken night was swirling behind her eyes. Something like terror and helplessness. "Rex, after everything that happened with Paul I swore I wouldn't ever get involved with some guy just because I was upset over someone else."

"Oh!" he said dismissing her concern a little too easily, "that's what this is about. Natalie, Michael McBain is nothing like Paul Cramer. He may be kinda annoying but he's not gonna try and pull any of the kinda crap Cramer did."

"No, but he's John's brother. I've just ruined any chance at all that I had with John."

"How'd you figure that?"

"Because you don't date someone who's slept with your sibling. It just violates some unwritten rule."

Rex raised an eyebrow, "Okay, Natty, you married someone who'd slept with your twin."

"Yeah, but it had been a long time. And I wasn't even around then..." she said. Listing all the justifications she had listed to herself the first time that it occurred to her the situation between her, Jess, and Cristian was suspect.

"And the bottom line is you were really in love with Cristian and when you are you don't let any stupid unwritten rules get in the way of that."

"Maybe."

"And besides, there's no way John's gonna find out about this. You're not going to tell him and I doubt Mikey will."

"No, John would be just as pissed at him."

"Although it might actually be a good thing for you if he did find out," Rex said with that look he always got when he was formulating a scheme of some sort.

"How on earth would that be a good thing?" Natalie asked in shock.

"Well, you said all this time that Michael's been pushing John towards Evangeline. If John thought that Mike wanted you himself, it would make it look like he'd just been pushing John away from Evangeline so that you'd be free for him."

"Okay, it would be one thing if John thought that Michael was interested in me, knowing that he slept with me is only gonna make it look like I'm interested in his brother. It might make him back off. This is John we're talking about."

Rex shrugged. "It's your call."

Just then the outside door rattled and opened. Jessica stepped in, and looked at Rex and Natalie like a small woodland creature caught in the headlights of a semi.

"Jessica?" Natalie asked in surprise. There was something strange about her; her make-up was a little too heavy, her hair style a little too harsh, her clothes a little too revealing, and she walked in with a very unJessica-like swagger.

"Hey!" Jessica said in obviously feigned nonchalance, "Didn't expect you to still be up."

"We just got in," Natalie grumbled. "Where have you been? With Antonio?"

"Never mind about me," Jessica said with a wild fling of her hand, "what's going on with you? Have you been crying?"

"I am the world's biggest idiot!" Natalie said burying her head in her hands again.

Jessica sat beside her and put a hand on her shoulder, "Oh sweetie, there are much bigger idiots than you out there. I mean look at Rex-"

"Hey!" Rex protested.

"This is serious," Natalie said with her face still buried, "I've ruined my life. Again."

"Okay, what did you do? Did you kill someone?"

"No," Natalie said sounding as though she wasn't sure if that was actually worse than what she'd done.

"Did you break any other laws?"

"Not any they bother enforcing," Natalie said through her fingers.

"So who'd you sleep with?" Jessica asked a little too eagerly.

Natalie looked up at her, shocked that she'd come to this conclusion so quickly. "Michael McBain."

"Really?" Jessica said, sounding surprised for the first time. "But weren't you all hot for his brother?"

"You see what I mean? It's the worst thing I could have done," Natalie said holding up her glass and noticing it was empty. Rex got up to refill it for her.

"No," Jessica said gently, "I was just surprised 'cause I always thought he was kind of boring. I'm impressed, actually. At him. You can do much better. So how was it?"

"Jessica!" Natalie said, shocked to hear "the good Buchanan twin" talking this way. "It was… drunken and gross. I don't want to talk about it."

"I mean everybody does it, what's the big deal," Jessica said with a shrug.

"You would never do something like this," Natalie insisted.

Her sister let out a very unJessica-like laugh. "Don't be so sure," she said in a strange sing-song voice.

Natalie stared at her sister, "Are you drunk?"

"What is this?" Rex asked, "Buchanan Girls Gone Wild night?"

Natalie smacked him on the back of the head. "Ow!" he said.

"Bottom line, Natalie," Jessica said, "Did you use protection?"

"Yes," Natalie said with obvious relief.

"Does anyone else know?"

"Just Rex."

"Then you could have done a lot worse," Jessica said patting her on the back and sashaying out of the room.

Natalie stared after her.

"Not quite how I would have expected Jessica to react," Rex said.

"I'm worried about her," Natalie said.

"She seemed better off than you at the moment," Rex said.

"But she's just not acting like herself," Natalie said, still watching the space Jessica had vacated, "I mean like you said, she didn't sound like Jessica."

"Maybe she's not," Rex said thoughtfully.

"What do you mean?"

"Well maybe that wasn't Jessica," he said with a sly grin, "maybe there's a third twin running around nobody knows about."

Natalie smacked his head again. "Don't even joke about things like that."

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: My how your stories get out of date when you leave the country unexpectedly! I've just returned from Peru (so thanks to Telecable for making sure even in another hemisphere I could keep up with the show, and my Aunt for letting me do so) and have decided to leave the story as it. So the time setting for this is either after current events which will be blithely ignored or in the ingly tingly world that never was.

* * *

John McBain tried not to make it obvious that he was watching Natalie Vega. He stole glances at her while pretending to be absorbed in the file she had handed him. Ordinarily there was a bounce to her movements and she greeted those who walked by her desk with a cheerful smile; today she worked with her head down, ignoring everyone unless they spoke to her first. There were dark circles under her eyes and her movements were sluggish; she looked hung over. Which she probably was, considering the state she'd been in just a few hours ago, but something in his gut kept telling him there was something else. There was something she wasn't telling him. Not just something she wasn't telling him, something she was actively hiding from him. Usually that was a bad thing.

"Can I help you with something, John?" Natalie asked after looking up and catching his eyes on her for the third time.

"Yeah," he said deliberately, "you wanna tell me what's going on?"

Natalie glanced briefly up from her computer screen, "With what?"

"Natalie…" he said in a way that translated roughly 'I know you're hiding something and I'll figure it out sooner or later so you might as well tell me now.'

She turned completely away from her computer so that she could face him and said in a slow patronizing tone, "Well John, right now I'm typing a _very_ important memo to post by the coffee pot asking everyone to please clean their own coffee cups so that I do not have to do it. After that I'm-"

"Cut the crap, Natalie," he said walking closer to her desk, "you were hiding something last night and you're doing it now and if it's some kinda scheme or-"

"John," she said pulling her hair away from her face, "last night I was embarrassed because I was really, really drunk and I didn't want you to see me that way because you already think I'm pathetic as is-"

"I don't think you're-" he tried to interject but she wouldn't let him.

She didn't raise her voice, but there was an intensity behind her words that grew as she continued. "And today my head is killing me because I was, as previously stated really, really drunk last night, so I'm sorry if I'm acting a little weirder than usual today, but let me assure you I am not up to anything thing that is likely to get me killed, maimed, kidnapped or otherwise endangered."

Was it the headache that prompted the outburst? How had he given Natalie the impression he thought she was pathetic? He could tell she wasn't in the mood to be prodded, but he still didn't quite believe her. It wasn't so much that he thought she was lying to him as it was leaving something out. Something huge if his instincts could be trusted. Whatever it was, now was clearly not the time to find out.

"Sorry," he said trying to meet her eyes and see if they were okay, "I just- You know, going from past experience when I see you and your brother together-"

"It's usually a recipe for near disaster," she finished for him; she was avoiding eye contact again. "I understand. Now if you don't mind…" she motioned to her computer screen.

"Yeah, I'll… leave you to your memo," he said walking to his office. Still pretending to read the file in his hand he walked into his office and shut the door without looking up. Suddenly he realized he was not alone. His eyes shot to his desk where Rex Balsom was sitting with his feet propped up reading some papers he had probably swiped from one of the drawers.

"Hey Johnny!" he said brightly.

"Balsom, what the hell are you doing here?" John said snatching the papers out of Rex's hands.

"Wow, you could at least say 'hello' first," Rex said in mock indignation.

"Hello," John said curtly, "now get the hell out of my office,"

"Can't," Rex said raising his hands in the air.

"Can't?"

"We gotta talk," Rex said sitting up and folding his hands on the desk.

John sighed, "This better be very important."

"Oh it is," Rex nodded.

"Then get out of my chair and talk fast," John said pushing his shoulder.

Rex jumped out of the chair and perched on one on the other side of the desk as John settled into his own chair. "I don't know why you're acting so irritated," Rex began, "it's your fault we even have to have this discussion."

"When I said talk fast I did mean get to the point fast," John said.

"We talked before, remember? Right after all the shit hit the fan with the whole Cristian-isn't-really-Cristian thing. I ran into you at the coffee shop and what did I say?"

"Would it offend you if I said I have no idea what you're talking about most of the time?" John asked brushing dirt from Rex's shoes off his desk. He was really not in the mood for cryptic conversations.

"I asked you not to mess with my sister's head." Rex said.

John began shifting stacks of papers back to the way they had been before Rex had messed with them. The truth was there hadn't been any organization to them in the first place, and papers left on his desk weren't really that important anyway, but the action gave him something to keep him focused on through the conversation. He also liked the idea of showing Balsom that his presence was causing problems. "Okay," John said, pretending he couldn't see where this conversation was quickly headed.

"But you just couldn't help yourself, could you?" Rex said. Help himself? It was Natalie he was trying to help, trying to keep at a distance. She was safer that way; both her body and her heart. And how had be been messing with her head? He had made himself clear in countless conversations; he had told her there could never be anything between them. How was that messing with her head?

"I swear Rex, I have never tried to mess with Natalie's head," John said glancing up from his papers, "I have done everything I can to make it clear that I am with Evangeline and-"

"Like hell you have!" Rex said jumping out of his chair. "You tell her you're with Evangeline, but you only act that way when it's convenient."

"I really don't have time for this," John said turning back to his papers.

Rex continued undeterred and commenced to pacing. He knew that if John had really wanted the conversation over he could have physically removed him from the office. "It's no wonder the girl's confused. I mean you keep telling her to back off, but everything you do, every look you give her says, 'go away for now but don't go too far and for God's sake don't go there with another guy.'"

John raised an eyebrow, "So you're saying I'm messing with Natalie's head because I'm looking at her the wrong way?"

Rex turned to face John suddenly, "You're not exactly looking at Evangeline the right way either while we're on the subject."

"You know what?" John said irritably, "You don't know what you're talking about. Now get-"

"Oh but I do," Rex jumped back on his chair and leaned over the desk, "you see I'm kind of an expert in the looks people give each other. Comes in handy when you're in clubs where the music's too loud to hear what they're saying to each other. I can tell you a lot about what's going on between a couple by the way they look at each other."

"And according you this expertise what do you think is going on between me and your sister?"

"Let's start with you and Evangeline."

"Let's not."

Rex ignored him again, "No, it makes the other part make more sense. You look at Evangeline the way a guy looks at a woman he would very much not mind taking home with him at the end of a night. And who could blame you? She's rather tasty in that super health conscious could possibly kick my ass kind of way."

"Balsom…" John said warningly. The translation of his warning was something a long the lines of 'I could definitely kick your ass so you want to stop now.' For better or worse Rex Balsom did not often heed warnings.

"You also look at her like a woman you wouldn't mind having waiting for you at home," Rex finished.

"Yeah," John said slowly, "and what about that do you consider the 'wrong' way of looking at her."

"Well nothing," Rex said, "Except that I think Evangeline wants a little more to your relationship than being the girl waiting around for you. And on top of it there's the way you look at Natty…"

"Which is?"

"The way a guy looks a woman he never wants to let out of his sight."

John rolled his eyes, "Well that could be because when I do let her out of my sight she usually comes up with a new way to get herself killed."

"Yeah whatever," Rex said, "look- you and I are actually a lot a like on this."

"I'm almost afraid to ask," John said, "but how'd you figure that one?"

"Well," Rex waved a hand, "there are some obvious difference between us."

"I noticed," John said taking a drink of his coffee.

"Come on, we're both good looking, street smart, good at figuring out things no one else can. We both get obsessed when there's something we can't figure out. And when it comes to relationships, we're both ultimately self destructive."

John shook his head, "Balsom, I'm really not in the mood to discuss my relationships with you."

"Okay, we'll talk about me then," Rex said.

Waving a file folder impatiently the older man said, "You know, I do have work to do here."

"Well then stop interrupting me and I'll be out of your hair sooner than you know," Rex said. "Look, Jen was the love of my life; best thing that ever happened to me. So what did I do? I slept with her mother. If I had done research as to the quickest way to make Jen hate me, that would have been the answer. And I knew that when I did it. So why did I?"

"Is there anyway to get out of you telling me?" John said pretending to be distracted by something on his computer screen.

"Because I'm self destructive when it comes to relationships. I mean, don't get me wrong, Lindsay is totally hot, but that honestly had nothing to do with it. Well okay, not nothing, but the point is I finally figured out that I messed things up with Jen on purpose-"

John turned back to Rex. Was that why he was really here? He knew how hard Jen's death had hit him; was this whole conversation Rex trying to cope with his grief? "Look, Rex, if you need to talk about Jen-"

"Hey!" Rex cut him off, "we're talking about you here. I cheated on Jen with Lindsay because I didn't think I deserved to be as happy as I was with Jen. So I went for Lindsay, who was great, but no Jen. That's exactly what you're doing."

"It's really not," John said shaking his head.

"Look I'm not saying you're doing it on purpose. Or that you even know you're doing it. And I'm not saying you don't want to be with Evangeline. I'm just saying you don't want to be with Evangeline as much as you want to be Natalie."

"So you think that subconsciously I want to be with Natalie."

"Yeah," Rex said as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.

"And Evangeline is…?"

"The woman you want to want."

"And somehow or another me being with Evangeline, an intelligent, sexy, kind woman who cares about me more than I deserve is self-destructive?"

Rex jumped up again and began pointing at him, "You see? You hit it right there, with that 'more than I deserve' comment. You don't think you deserve to be really happy any more than I do."

"And you don't think I'm happy with Evangeline?"

"I think you're content with Evangeline. You're comfortable with Evangeline. She's steady, reliable; she's not going to go running around in a graveyard in the dead of night with blood streaming down her face or throw herself in the path of a murderer to get your attention."

"Those are generally considered good qualities."

"I'm not saying they aren't. Any more than I'm saying it's generally a good quality that Natalie goes on her crazed self-destructive kicks. I'm just saying that as much as she drives you nuts, you love that about her. And as many good qualities as Evangeline has, she's never gonna make you quite as happy."

"Why don't you just let me figure out what makes me happy?"

"Because," Rex said staring intensely at John, "one day Natalie's going to succeed in getting herself killed. And it's not gonna hurt any less because of the time you could have been with her and weren't. So learn from my example and don't wait around till that happens."

John took a deep breath and looked away from Rex. There was a big part of him that realized Rex was still reeling after Jen's death and was talking about himself more than he was talking about Natalie. The other part of him kept seeing that red hair hanging over a deep fryer. And a bigger part of him searched for a way to convince Rex that Natalie stood a much greater chance of getting hurt with him than apart from him.

"Think about it," Rex said standing up and walking towards the door.

"Wait," John said as Rex put his hand on the doorknob.

Rex turned. "Yes?"

"Last night, when I ran into you and Natalie at the hotel, what was really going on?"

* * *

Jessica Buchanan awoke to find herself sprawled diagonally across her bed still dressed in a satin camisole and miniskirt. A throbbing pain shot through her temples when she cracked open her eyelids. 'Great,' she thought, 'not again.' She wasn't sure whether it was worse when she used to wake up from these blackouts not knowing what had happened or now when she had few doubts about it. Well at least she had figured out one way to get Tess to relinquish control—she always seemed to leave Jessica to deal with her hangovers. Groaning she rolled out of bed. Make up was smeared across her face and probably all over her pillowcases again. Glaring at her reflection in the mirror she grumbled, "Could you at least take your eyeliner off?" The mirror didn't answer, which was probably good, because she could have punched Tess at that moment.

She staggered towards the bathroom to shower but tripped over the purse Tess had tossed on the floor. Stooping to pick up her cell phone which had tumbled out she noticed that she had three messages waiting for her. Flipping through her missed calls she found that all of them were from Antonio. Damn it. She was supposed to meet him at UltraViolet last night, and she knew she'd never made it. That meant she'd either stood Antonio up or Tess had gone in her stead. She sunk down to the floor to listen to the messages, praying that the former explanation was the correct one. As much as she knew Antonio would be hurt by her not showing up, it could be so much worse for him to encounter Tess.

The first message was clearly an Antonio that was impatient for her arrival, but trying to sound casual, "Hey Jess, it's me, I just wanted to see if you were still coming by tonight. Um… give me a call or I'll see you in a little bit. Love you."

He sounded irritated in the second message, "Me again. I was just… Just wondering if you were actually coming. Kinda looks like you aren't. I guess something must have come up. Give me a call and just let me know what's going on. Love you."

By the last message irritation seemed to have given in to worry, "Hey. Listen, Jess… give me a call when you get this. Just let me know you're okay. I'm a little worried. Love you."

Jessica sighed and stared at the phone, as if it would give her some answer to give to Antonio. He ended every message by telling her he loved her. With her behavior lately she should be the one reassuring him, not the other way around. She had to call him; he'd worry until she did. And yet, what could she tell him that would make him worry less? She grabbed the edge of the bed and pulled herself up to standing. She'd take a shower first; it would help her clear her head.

* * *

Rex smirked, confirming that there _was_ some sort of secret he and Natalie were keeping, but nothing else. "You're gonna have to ask Natalie about that." He turned to go again. 

"I did," John said, "she lied to me."

"Maybe she didn't," Rex said walking back towards the desk.

"I have a fair amount of experience being lied to by Natalie," John said, "I recognize it by now. So what's going on?"

Rex jumped back on the back of the chair. "Okay, there are two things you need to understand about Natalie-"

"Seriously, I have a limited amount of time to bullshit with you, so either tell me what's going on or get out of here," John grumbled.

"First off, Natalie has the most defective self-preservation instinct of anyone I've ever met, with the possible exception of you," Rex said.

"Meaning?"

"Meaning if I was doing something stupid or Jessica was taking an unnecessary risk, she would be the first person to call us on it and put a stop to it, but when it's her she doesn't pay any attention to how likely she is to get hurt or killed."

"So how is she trying to get herself killed today?"

"She's not," Rex shook her head, "today she's just in self-loathing mode because of what happened last night."

"Which was?"

"She went out and got smashed which is, you know, not the brightest idea when you're a woman on your own-"

"But you were with her," John said.

"I found her. I was not with her to start with otherwise what happened…wouldn't have happened."

"And what happened?"

"Come on," Rex said in exasperation, "you're the cop, think about it. There are people out there that see a hot young drunk girl and decide to take advantage of the situation."

John's eyes widened, "Is that it? Did some guy take advantage of Natalie, because-"

"Easy McBain," Rex said, "If some guy had forced himself on my sister you'd be booking me on assault charges right now. It definitely could have happened, but fortunately it didn't. But you shouldn't be concentrating on the 'what' so much as the 'why'."

"Why?"

"The second thing you need to understand about Natty," Rex said, "Do you know what Roxy's nickname for Natalie used to be?"

John shook his head.

"Her little bad luck charm." Rex paused and waited for the idea to sink in. John didn't understand what this bit of information had to do with whatever had happened last night, but it did provide some insight into Natalie's insecurities. John had never really met Natalie Balsom; she had been Natalie Buchanan for two years before they met, but sometimes he caught glimpses of her. The angry little girl who lashed out occasionally, or the hurt child he could see lurking behind her eyes when her guard was down. Most of the stories she told about AC these days, had a humorous slant on them; Roxy appeared more comedienne than sorry excuse for a mother. He knew it hadn't really been that way, but had allowed himself to get sucked into the comic world Natalie created because it was easier than thinking about the reality of it. Rex was speaking again.

"Roxy used to insist that having Natalie around caused her problems, whether it was a losing streak at the casinos or some guy walking out on her, it was always Natalie's fault. The thing is there's a big part of her that still believes it; she's real good at blaming herself for off the wall things. Seriously, when she's in the wrong mood Natty can blame herself for the freaking Spanish Inquisition. So when your girlfriend tells her she's the one responsible for Christian's death-"

"Wait a minute," John said, "what about Evangeline?"

Rex rocked back and forth on his feet. "She didn't tell you?"

"No," John said.

"Evangeline and Natalie had a fight yesterday," Rex said.

John nodded, "I heard about it from Bo. Hardly the first time."

"During the course of said fight Evangeline told Natalie that it was her fault Cristian got killed," Rex gazed toward the floor. He had a feeling he wasn't supposed to be telling John about this, but didn't see how it could hurt. For once Natalie didn't come off as the aggressor in her fights with John's girlfriend.

John looked away. As if Natalie needed help beating herself up over Cristian. Cristian who was sitting in Statesville pretending to be an imposter because he thought it would be better for Natalie. Cristian who had loved Natalie the way she deserved. Cristian who part of him hated for no logical reason other than he had held Natalie's heart before and would always have a part of it.

"And that's why Natalie was drinking last night," he said.

"Pretty much," Rex said with a shrug. "So if you could talk to your girlfriend about using the worst tragedies in my sister's life as leverage against her, we might go a long way towards avoiding these self-destructive episodes in the future."

"Look I'll talk to her," John said.

"Thanks," Rex said, turning to go again.

"But Evangeline isn't the only one responsible for these fights," John added.

"Oh I know," Rex said turning back as he opened the door, "I save plenty of blame for you."

John stared at the door as it shut behind him. He saved plenty of blame for himself too. The last thing he'd ever wanted to do was play Natalie and Evangeline against each other. He could add making the two of them enemies to his rap sheet. John knew Natalie, knew how she could push and push until the other person couldn't help but push back. But Evangeline should have known better than to bring up Cristian; she should have had more tact than that if nothing else. Getting her to apologize for it was definitely not going to be an option. He could apologize to Natalie, but that wasn't quite appropriate. And he couldn't shake the feeling that Natalie was hiding more than a hang over and some hurtful words.

To be continued.


	3. Chapter 3

Evangeline Williamson took a deep breath; her college tai chi instructor's directions about centering her energy and maintaining her balance came to mind for some reason. Somehow she didn't think they'd be much use in the fight she was facing. Natalie hadn't looked up; she didn't even seem to realize Evangeline was there. She could have slipped by her into John's office without any confrontation. For that matter, she could have come in the back way and never passed Natalie's desk at all, but the truth was part of her relished these confrontations. She knew how childish it was, but she couldn't deny that she enjoyed the opportunity to remind Natalie once again that she had won. She was the one John had chosen. She cleared her throat loudly.

"Yes?" Natalie asked without looking up.

Evangeline walked closer. "Is John in?"

Natalie answered with a disinterested, "Uh huh."

Evangeline waited for the dirty look or snarky comment about how he was too busy to be bothered, but it didn't come. Natalie seemed to have quite forgotten her presence already. "Can I see him?"

Natalie waved her hand towards John's office. "Be my guest."

Uneasily, Evangeline walked by her. As bad as it was fighting with Natalie over John it was much more disconcerting having Natalie not fighting her. Clearly something had happened to bring about this change.

Even more disturbing, however, was that John was acting the exact same way as Natalie. He barely looked up when she walked in the room and only halfway returned her smile. "Hi!" she said as brightly as she could.

"Hey," he mumbled distractedly.

"You look busy," she said peering at his desk as she sat on one corner of it. She hoped that he would take advantage of her proximity to kiss her hello or show her some sign of affection. She should have known better.

"Yeah," he said. She waited for some further explanation, but he didn't give any.

"So, I came to invite you to lunch, but I guess you probably don't have time," she said, hoping he would tell her she was wrong. Instead he continued studying some papers on his desk. "What about dinner?" she asked after a long wait.

"We'll see," he said glancing sideways at her. "I'll call you."

"Or we could get together later… whatever. Maybe some other time?"

"Mm hm," he said. She had the distinct impression he wasn't listening to her. He hardly realized she was in the room.

"Maybe we could fly to Tahiti. Or Siberia; I hear it's beautiful in the Springtime."

"Uh huh," he said without reacting to her deliberately off the wall suggestion.

"It'll be expensive though," she added, "so I've thought about picking up some shifts at that strip club over on Mercury Drive."

He looked her in the eye for the first time since she walked in the room. "Please tell me you're not doing that stupid thing where you say random stuff just to test whether I'm listening or not."

She smiled grimly. "Why don't you just tell me what's going on with Natalie this time?"

"What does this have to do with Natalie?"

"She's acting just as weird as you are," she grumbled.

He cocked his head, "How so?"

She tried not to show how irritated she was that John seemed more concerned with Natalie's behavior than with upsetting her. "Well, normally when I walk in these days she tries to stare me down; today she wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Well, I heard you two had a fight yesterday," he said.

"Yes," she said, wondering what exactly he'd heard and who he'd heard it from.

He shrugged, "Maybe she wants to avoid another one."

"We've had a lot of fights," she said with a shake of her head, "she's never backed down before. I can't see any reason she would now."

He gave her a look which made her uneasy, and not in a good way. He studied her face carefully as if he was looking for something specific—as if he was trying to confirm something he already knew. She didn't enjoy the sensation she was being interrogated like a suspect. "What?" she asked.

John hesitated; he knew the next part of their conversation would get him into trouble, but he didn't see how he could avoid it. "Did you say something while you two were arguing about Natalie being responsible for Cristian's death?"

Anger flashed suddenly in her eyes, "Is that what she told you?"

His tone stayed even; he didn't rise to join her intensity, "I haven't talked to her about it."

"Then who-?"

"What does it matter?" he said, "Did you say it?"

If Evangeline didn't enjoy being interrogated she certainly didn't enjoy being accused of being in the wrong in a fight with the woman who was trying to push herself between her and her lover. "No!" she said emphatically, "Cristian never even came up we were talking about you. I-"

She stopped herself suddenly. "What?" he asked.

"Natalie said something about me causing problems for you and I told her she caused more problems for you than I ever would. And then I said that if she wasn't careful she'd get you killed too."

"Ah," he said quietly.

"I didn't mean-"

"You can't say things like that to Natalie," he said, raising his voice slightly. "She blames herself enough about Cristian and when you say things like that-"

"That wasn't what I meant-"

"What _did_ you mean?"

"I don't even know!" Evangeline said raising a hand to her forehead, "I didn't mean to upset her. She's the one who started it."

"I know," he said, regaining his calm, "but you just can't say things like that. She hears things like that and she goes into a tailspin."

"So I'm responsible for Natalie going into a tailspin?" she said folding her arms across her chest.

"I don't think you helped," he said.

"So I repeat," she said firmly, "what kind of trouble has she gotten herself into this time?"

"None that I know of," he said flipping absently through some papers, "she says she just had too much to drink last night and she's hung over today."

"But you don't believe her," Evangeline said, familiar with this routine by now.

"I don't know," he said, missing his girlfriend's irritation, "I ran into her and Balsom about four this morning and it just seemed like there was something going on neither of them wanted me to know about. Then Rex came by today and we had this very bizarre discussion-"

"And you're going to obsess over it until you figure out what it is," Evangeline said.

"No," he said, "I'm obsessing over this case." She gave him a stare of disbelief. "It's not like you've never been known to get wrapped up in a case," he added.

"I _do_ get obsessed with my cases," she said, then added softly, "but not lately."

"What?" he asked. Whether he was asking for an explanation or a louder repetition of her last phrase she continued.

"I've been trying to figure out why I got so upset over losing the Vega case," she began.

"Antonio's a friend, you feel like you let him down," John said. "Plus you don't like losing. You don't have a lot of practice at it."

"You're right, I don't, and partly because I do obsess over my cases. But not lately."

John shrugged. "You've had a lot going on. Besides it's probably healthier for you."

"There's only one thing that's really been distracting me," she said looking up at him, "and that's you."

John looked surprised, "I'm sorry. If I'm distracting you, you should let me know. Just tell me if you're busy."

She shook her head, "You don't get it, John. The point is you have the ability to distract me. Not many other people have ever been able to do that. Even when you're not around I think about you, I worry about you, I wonder about our future-"

"I'm flattered, I guess," he said, fumbling for words.

"And it would be fine if I had the same ability to distract you," she said, looking back at the floor.

"Oh I find you plenty distracting," he said moving closer to her.

Not wanting to be swept up in the scent and nearness of him, she backed up. "You find me diverting, but not distracting. When you're focused on a case, you're focused. Even when you're with me, even when we're not at work, it distracts you from me, not the other way around."

"I'm sorry," he said, "that's just how I am, I thought you understood that-"

"I did," she said, "At least I thought I did. Until I noticed something; Natalie has that ability to distract you."

John leaned back in his chair and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. "I'm just worried about a friend who I think might have gotten herself into some kind of trouble. I feel a little bit responsible seeing as how I'm a big part of the real reason Cris is dead and when it comes right down to it I'm the reason behind this fight you two keep having, so forgive me if-"

"Have you ever talked to her about any of the things she's said to me?" she interjected suddenly.

He shook his head, "I'm not gonna play this game, Evangeline."

"Neither am I," she said decisively. He gave her a curious look, evidently not understanding her. She continued, "You know, I've seen friends do this, and I always got so angry at them. I never would have dreamed I'd be doing it myself."

"What?"

"Hang onto a guy who you only have half of. Or less. And who you're never really gonna have. Just because you're too afraid to be without him."

His brow furrowed, "I'm not quite following," he said, "is this you breaking up with me?"

She shook her head sadly, "John, we've been broken for a very long time. I just… I'm just tired of trying to glue us back together."

She stood up. "Wait," he said.

She stared at him for a moment. "I have," she said, "and I'm done waiting."

* * *

Natalie took a swallow of water and tried not to gag. She'd nursed Roxy through enough hangovers to know that water was the only thing that would really help, but her stomach was not happy about it. She heard someone walk in but didn't look up, pretending to be absorbed in her work. It was only when she heard a soft, uneasy, "Hey," that she looked up to see Michael McBain standing with his hands in his pockets. 

"Hey," she said, quickly looking away. "John's in his office if you're looking for him," she added.

"Actually, I came to see you," he said. "We need to talk."

"About what?" she asked, hoping he would take her cue and pretend that nothing had happened between them.

"Last night," he said. Okay, so both McBain brothers were clueless.

"Oh," she said, "about that, how's your shoulder?"

"It's fine," Michael said walking closer and leaning over her desk, "but you know that's not what I meant."

She stood up and walked to the filing cabinet, wanting to keep as much distance between them as she could. "There's nothing to talk about."

"Natalie!" he said, exasperation creeping into his voice.

She looked around to make sure no one was watching them. "Okay," she said, "but not here. Too many people in and out."

"Okay," he said, "you wanna come by my place?"

"I don't think that would be the best idea," she said, "I was thinking something a little less private than that."

"How about the diner?" he said. He forced a grin, "I'll buy you your own fries and you can put as much mustard on them as you want."

She tried not to crack a smile. "Okay"

He moved slightly toward the door, "Is now good?"

"Yeah," she looked around again, "but I don't think we should leave together. You go talk to your brother about something and meet me there in a few minutes."

"What?" she asked when he stood smirking at her rather than moving away.

"I just can't believe how paranoid you are," he said.

She rolled her eyes, grabbed her purse and left.

Walking to the door of his brother's office Michael almost collided with Evangeline who pushed by him without acknowledgement. John looked somewhat flustered and was rubbing the back of his neck, but he straightened when Michael entered and let out a beleaguered sounding, "Hey."

"Hey," Michael said back, "I just saw Evangeline, is everything-?"

"Not in the mood to talk about it," John said with a clear warning in his voice that Michael did not want to press the issue.

"Okay," Michael said, beginning to pace slowly around the room.

"So what are you doing here?" John asked. He sounded irritated and Michael had some pretty good guesses as to what had happened with Evangeline.

Michael realized he really didn't have a reason for being in John's office, at least not one he could name. Somehow he didn't think, "Natalie wanted me to stall in here so no one would see us leaving the station together," would sound good. He massaged his injured shoulder absentmindedly. "Just came by to say hey," he finally managed.

"Well you're the third person to come by 'just to say hey' today," John said, "Believe it or not, I actually do have work to do."

"Okay," Michael said, hopefully he had given Natalie an acceptable head start, "I can go."

"Something wrong with your shoulder?" John asked looking at his brother.

Michael tried to sound blasé, "It's just a little sore. I got hit with a dart last night at Rodi's."

John raised an eyebrow, "Who'd you piss off?"

Michael hesitated, not sure if he should tell the truth or not. He decided that nothing about that incident could hint at what happened later. "Natalie," he said with a sigh which John echoed.

"Yeah, I heard she had a bad night last night," the older McBain said.

"Really?" Michael asked, trying not to let that classification of Natalie's evening make him self-conscious.

"Hey, do me a favor Mikey," John said, "can you lay off Natalie a little. I know you two don't exactly get along all the time, but she's going through a hard time. You don't know what's gonna set her off y'know."

If he hadn't been so horrified by the situation he'd found himself in, Michael could have laughed. Instead he reassured his brother he'd try to be nice to Natalie and left to meet her at the diner.

* * *

Natalie walked into the diner and scanned the room quickly. There was a moderate lunch crowd, but no one she really knew. No one she had to worry about seeing her with Michael. She told herself it didn't matter, no one would assume from seeing them eat lunch together that they'd slept together the night before, but some illogical part of her was convinced it showed somehow. She slid into an empty booth to wait for him. Her head was starting to feel better, but she was still tired. She fought the urge to put her head down on the table and nap until he got there. 

"Natalie!" a warm voice said above her.

Carlota. She hadn't thought about Carlota. The last person in the world she wanted to find out about her and Michael. No, that wasn't true, she would be more mortified if John found out, but at least he wouldn't lecture her about it. And over all, it would have been worse for Roxy to find out because she would proceed to broadcast it to the rest of Llanview. It was just that Carlota reminded her of Cristian and reminded her that she'd betrayed his memory yet again. After sleeping for months with a man she had mistaken for Cristian, this should only be a minor thing, but somehow it wasn't. Natalie reminded herself to breathe. It wasn't the first time that Carlota had seen her in the diner with Michael; she wouldn't suspect anything. Hopefully.

"How's your mother?" Carlota asked.

"She's okay," Natalie answered, "getting right back into everything y'know—the paper and everything, worrying about us. We keep telling her to take it easy, but she doesn't listen."

Carlota smiled. "Telling us mother's not to worry generally just makes us worry more. So what can I get for you?"

"Just coffee for right now," she said, then standing up added, "actually I can get it myself."

Carlota motioned for her to sit back down. "No, no, siéntate. Stay here. You don't look so good. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Natalie said looking at the table, "I just didn't sleep well last night."

Carlota looked at her skeptically for a moment then disappeared to get the coffee. Natalie took a deep breath and stared that the door willing Michael to show up and get this over with. Instead Antonio Vega walked in. Great; she could run into all of her late-husband's relatives at once and get the guilt over with. Antonio caught her eye and nodded as he walked towards her.

"You alone?" he asked sliding in across from her.

"Yeah," she said, "I was anyway."

"Have you seen Jess?" he asked.

She shook her head, "Not today, why?"

"She was supposed to meet me at Capricorn last night, and she never showed up," he said.

"Are you sure?" Natalie asked, remembering Jessica staggering in earlier that morning.

"Of course I'm sure," Antonio said, "did she say anything to you?"

Natalie didn't want to explain the conversation she'd had with Jessica the night before. Nor did she want to try and come up with an explanation for the way her sister had been dressed or the late hour of her return if she hadn't been with Antonio. She decided diversion was a better strategy. "We talked last night, but it was about me and my drama."

"You okay?" Antonio asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Natalie said, strangely relieved that there seemed to be problems other than her own to focus on at the moment. "Is everything okay with you two?"

Antonio shrugged. "I think so, but then stuff like this happens. Natalie, do you know what's going on with her?"

"No," Natalie said, "she hasn't said anything to you at all?"

"I know she's seeing a therapist, I know she's had blackouts and the doctor's can't find anything wrong. But I think she knows more than she's telling me."

"Antonio," Natalie said, "I don't know what's going on either, but I do know that Jessica loves you."

"I believe that, I do," he said, "but she doesn't trust me. And I just don't see how things are going to work out for us if there's no trust between us."

"Look," she said, staring into the eyes of her former and possibly future brother-in-law, "you two have been through a lot in this past year. It might take a while for you to build that trust back up, but you will. You two love each other, and in the end that's the only thing that matters."

Natalie saw Michael enter the diner. He made eye contact with her but seeing Antonio stayed at the front.

"I try to tell myself that," Antonio sighed, "but-"

He was interrupted as if on cue by his ringing cell phone. He smiled wistfully at the caller ID. "It's her, isn't it?" Natalie asked with a smile.

"Yeah," he said standing up, "excuse me."

"Good luck," she called after him as he ducked outside the diner to take Jessica's call.

When the door was shut behind him, Michael wandered slowly over to Natalie's table. "Hey," he murmured again.

"Sit down," she said irritably. Just then Carlota arrived with the coffee. She looked suspiciously at Michael before taking his order and striding away.

"So…" Michael began.

"So…" Natalie repeated staring at the bottom of her coffee cup.

"About last night…" he tried again, leaning forward.

Natalie took a sip of her coffee, "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry," he said.

"I'm the one who imbedded a dart two inches into your shoulder," Natalie said.

"You were… somewhat intoxicated," Michael pointed out.

"I wasn't the only one," Natalie said with a wry smile.

"I feel like I took advantage of the situation," he said slowly.

"You weren't the only one," Natalie said splashing coffee on the table as she sat her cup down a little too heavily. "We just need to forget it ever happened."

"Well my memory of last night is spotty, but I don't think I'm likely to forget it entirely," he said.

She bit her lip to avoid raising her voice. "Michael it was a mistake; a big one. We were both drunk and frustrated and wishing we were with other people."

"Ah," Michael said sitting up straight suddenly, "so that's it."

"What?" she groaned more than asked.

"You're upset because it was me and not my brother."

"What and you wouldn't have rather been with Marcie last night?" she shot back.

Michael appeared ready to concede this point but they were interrupted by Carlota bringing Michael's food. "Everything okay here?" she asked noting the obvious tension at the table. Natalie nodded. "More coffee?" she asked.

"Please," Natalie replied. She waited till her former mother-in-law was safely out of earshot before continuing. "Look Michael, the bottom line is, if either one of us had thought better about it, it wouldn't have happened."

"But it did. So now what?" Michael said handing Natalie the mustard bottle and motioning to his fries. "Help yourself."

She shook her head, "My stomach can not handle french fries today." Then she answered his question, "We pretend like it didn't. No one needs to know about it."

"No one meaning John?"

"Or Marcie," she reminded him.

He met her eyes over his hamburger, "Last time I heard my brother was having quite a lot of sex with Evangeline Williamson; I don't think he cares who you sleep with."

"Michael he's admitted he doesn't like seeing me with other guys and you think he'd be okay with me sleeping with his brother?" Natalie asked, irritated.

"It might bother him a little."

She laughed, but there was little humor in it. "Yeah, it might. And I'm pretty sure he'd be just as upset with you as with me."

He nodded, "Probably."

"So we don't say anything to anyone. There's no reason anyone would begin to suspect."

"Okay," he said. His expression softened, "For the record, if we both weren't so hung up on other people, I don't think I'd regret this. Not much anyway."

This seemed to make Natalie uncomfortable. "Yeah, well, who's to say? I gotta get back to work. I didn't get much done this morning." She stood up and left before Michael could even say goodbye.

* * *

John ran his fingers over the words etched in the smooth black marble. Natalie Balsom Buchana Vega. It was almost a poem. He hadn't understood why she was so insistent on a black headstone, but touching it today he was grateful; he had never realized how black stone absorbed the heat of the day. Rather than the cold, distant sensation he associated with tombstones this one was warm; it seemed alive. Like it still had a heartbeat. Like she still had a heartbeat. Somehow it was comforting to feel that there was some kind of life in this place. Like Natalie wasn't really gone, just separated from him somehow. That's how he'd tried to keep her anyway. It was supposed to keep her safe. He'd been wrong of course. Rex Balsom of all people had been the only one to see it. He'd warned him it wouldn't help, that it would only make the pain worse… 

To be continued.

* * *

Author's note: I promise not to leave you on that note for long. Next chapter is written but it's on a lot of scraps of paper in a couple different languages and they're less organized than I thought they were. Still... soon. 


	4. Chapter 4

Author's note: Okay, so I feel bad about the ending to the last chapter--not only because I promised a quick update and took longer than I expected, but because it was a cheap trick. It was... well... like one of those trite things they do in soap operas. Clearly, I've been exposed to too much serialized fiction. So, I'm begging your indulgence and hoping that as you are presumably soap fans, you will forgive me.

* * *

Somewhere in the cemetery an alarm sounded. John turned his head in surprise; why was there an alarm here? Then he was sitting bolt up right in bed as it sank in that the blaring noise was his alarm clock. It was a dream. It was 2005 and he was in his room at the Angel Square Hotel. The knowledge that there was something ridiculous about his nightmares didn't make his pulse stop racing. In the week since his conversation with Rex he'd had similar dreams at least three times. Every time he had to talk himself down when he woke. He told himself that Natalie was very much alive and well and probably just waking up herself across town at Llanfair. He fought the impulse to call her and verify this; he'd have a hard time explaining himself. He showered and dressed quickly trying to make the lingering anxiety from the dream fade. He just needed to see her, to convince himself that she was all right. He'd see her when he got to the station and then he'd be fine.

But when he got to the station her desk was empty and so was the coffee pot; a dead give away that she hadn't been there. He told himself she was just running late. It wasn't even that late; Bo wasn't there yet either. An hour later, however, she still wasn't there and part of him began to wonder if the dream had been some kind of warning. After the fifth time he'd walked to her desk to look for her he resolved to call her cell phone. He'd just pretend he had some sort of work question.

Her phone rang four times then kicked into the voicemail. He paced the length of his office a few times; there were any number of explanations. Maybe she had overslept. That would explain her not being at work and not answering her cell phone. But his mind kept dwelling on other types of explanations; she'd been in a car accident, she'd been mugged on her way home from work last night and was lying in some alley, she'd done something to hurt herself. Finally he picked up the phone again and dialed Llanfair. He'd probably wake her up, but he couldn't work if he was this distracted. Besides, if she'd overslept she'd want to know, right? It was almost noon.

The phone rang twice before a woman's voice said, "Llanfair." It was the housekeeper.

"Yes," he said clearing his throat, "this is John McBain, may I speak with Natalie please." Hopefully he sounded professional enough that this really did seem like a work emergency.

Lois hesitated. "Um… Miss Natalie has gone to the hospital."

He murmured a quick, "Thank you" before quickly hanging up the phone. He should have questioned her in more detail. Found out why and in what condition. He had just been so startled by the news… his pulse was racing again. It suddenly occurred to him that Lois had never specified that Natalie had gone to the hospital as a patient; it could be her mother again. He mentally slapped himself for feeling relieved by this. He thought about calling the hospital, but unless it was a police investigation they wouldn't give him any information.

Instead he called dispatch and asked them if they'd received any emergency calls from Llanfair in the last twenty-four hours. "Yes sir," the operator said, "We received a call at 8:27am about a female, mid-twenties found unconscious outside of the house. Victim was taken to the hospital-"

John hung up the phone and reached for his keys without closing his conversation with dispatch. "Damn it, Natalie," he thought, "what have you done to yourself this time?" He knew if she was hurt or sick it was irrational to be angry with her for it, but that didn't mean he was able to stop himself.

He hurried into the hospital, not knowing quite where to look for her. Fortunately it was a small hospital. Just as he was about to ask a nurse he spotted Antonio. He was somewhat surprised to see him there, but the Buchanan and Vega families were close, intertwined, so he supposed it wasn't _that_ strange that he would be here. Seeing him approach Antonio stood up; he looked confused.

"John?" he asked.

"Where is she?" J asked a little more impatiently than he meant to.

Antonio's look of confusion grew. He opened his mouth, about to answer, but just then Natalie emerged from a nearby room looking weary, but more or less all right. She looked surprised to see him as he walked swiftly to her and put a hand on her arm. "You're okay?" he asked, feeling his pulse rate slacken somewhat.

"Yeah," she said, tucking her hair behind her ears, "I'm just a little shaken up, you know."

He studied her face; he was fully aware that he had seen her yesterday, but it felt as though he'd been looking for her for years.

"What are you doing here?" she asked after a moment.

Somehow he thought it better not to admit that he'd spent the morning trying to track her down because of a bad dream. "Dispatch told me there was a call this morning from Llanfair. Unconscious female in her twenties."

"Yeah," Natalie said, "I was on my way to work when I found her. She was so still I thought for a second-" Natalie was fighting back tears, but she regained her composure quickly. "Look my mom's with her now; she's not in any shape to answer questions yet."

John tried not to let his confusion show, "Your mother?"

"Jessica," Natalie said as if he should know this already.

And of course he should; that explained Antonio. He'd never even thought about the fact that there were two women in their twenties residing at Llanfair—his thoughts had gone straight to Natalie. "Jessica's the victim," he repeated, trying very hard not to sound relieved.

"Yeah," Natalie said, shaking her head, confused by his behavior. The she suddenly seemed to understand, "You thought it was me?"

It was a little late for playing it cool, but he'd try to sound as logical as possible. "I called you this morning when you didn't come in, but you didn't answer your cell, so I called Llanfair and the housekeeper said you were at the hospital and then I talked to dispatch…"

"No, it's not me," she said with a shrug. "I wish it was… My phone's in my purse; I dropped it when I found her this morning, it must still be outside." Something about John's eyes as they watched her seemed to unsettle her. She turned to Antonio, "Speaking of which, can I use your phone again? I still haven't gotten a hold of Kevin."

Antonio handed her his cell phone silently and she disappeared down the hall to make the call. Watching her disappear, John turned to Antonio, "So how is she?"

"Severe concussion, three broken ribs, and a fracture in her left wrist, but she'll be okay."

"What happened?" John's eyes widened.

There was something odd about Antonio's expression, like he didn't quite trust the information he was imparting. "She fell out a window."

"How-?"

"We don't know yet," Antonio said before John could even ask how it had happened, "but I'll call you when we know more. If it's, y'know, something we need you guys involved in."

"Yeah," John said trying very hard to regain his composure, "call me anyway; let me know how she's doing."

Antonio fixed his eyes with a stare and seemed almost to smirk, "You could just ask Natalie."

John really hoped he had no visible reaction to her name, "Yeah, I just figure she won't be in to work the next couple days. She'll be busy; don't want to bother her."

"Uh huh," he wasn't imagining it; Antonio was definitely smirking at him.

"What?" John asked.

"If I wasn't worried out of my mind I'd be laughing at you right now man," Antonio said.

John ran a hand through his hair, "Okay, so not the most responsible move failing to get full information on a victim and jumping to the wrong conclusion-"

"Yeah that and…" it was maddening that Antonio was so composed and so clearly enjoying John's lack of composure.

"And?"

"That look on your face when you came running in here? I'm pretty sure that's what I looked like when they called me this morning. I don't know who you two think you're fooling."

"I was concerned-" he began.

"But I somehow doubt you'd have been quite so concerned if you'd known it was Jessica. Or anyone else for that matter."

John looked down, fumbling for the right denial.

"You want some advice buddy?" Antonio asked. Then without waiting for a reply he said, "You don't have forever, so don't wait any longer than you have to."

With that he walked towards the room where Viki Davidson looking as weary and shaken as Natalie, if not worse, emerged. While Antonio and Mrs. Davidson talked, John took the opportunity to slink away. As if he needed reminding that no one stayed with you forever; his subconscious had been reminding him every night since his discussion with Rex.

When did it happen? He wondered. When did he stop seeing Caitlyn's face on every female vic and start seeing Natalie's? Haver? No, then he'd been seeing Caitlyn's face on Natalie. Sometime between then and the Killing Club murders. Between then and Cristian. When Cristian had come back and first started acting erratic, angry, every domestic seemed to originate at Llanfair, every battered face was surrounded by red hair.

So he'd dodged the bullet again. Or she had. But how much longer could they keep it up. Rex's warning and Antonio's advice spun in his head. He was going to have to file them in the back for a few hours though; he did have work to do. This was something he did very well, pushing things out of his thoughts until he had the opportunity to deal with them. The problem was actually confronting them when he had the chance.

* * *

Antonio Vega tensed as he came out of Jessica's room to find Todd Manning waiting in the hallway. 

"How's she doing?" he asked.

Unconsciously Antonio stood in front of the door, his arms crossed, blocking Manning from entering although he'd shown no inclination to do so. "She's sleeping. Doctor's say she'll be okay. Physically anyway."

"She asleep or unconscious?" Todd asked, not trusting Antonio to put the most accurate spin on things.

"She woke up briefly," Antonio said, "long enough to say she didn't remember what happened and to call you."

"Well if she wants to see me, can I go in?"

Antonio didn't move. "Like I said, she's asleep. I figure you can take the time to answer some questions."

Todd shook his head and smiled that smug smile of his he used when he wanted to be infuriating, "You're not a cop anymore Officer Vega; I don't have to answer your questions."

He tried to push his way into the room, but Antonio blocked his way and pushed him back slightly with a hand to his shoulder.

"Look, I understand that you're enjoying your little game," he said, "but Jessica could have died today and I've got a feeling that you know something that could have stopped that from happening. You know, you keep telling me how bad I am for her, but I would have never sat back and let something like this happen."

"If I'd been able to stop this you don't think I would have?" Todd asked taking step backwards, "And while we're on the subject, weren't you standing right there when she was stabbed last year?"

Antonio didn't answer either question. "Look, I believe that you're trying to help Jessica, but I also think that you're enjoying playing god with her life."

"That's not what it's about," Todd said with half a laugh.

"Well whatever it is, it's gonna stop," Antonio said.

"Not until Jessica says so," Todd tried to push past Antonio again, but Antonio shoved him backwards.

"Oh you want to do this here?" Todd said regaining his balance quickly and raising his arms to the sides.

"Hey!" a voice from behind him called suddenly. Neither of the men would break eye contact so Dr. Michael McBain had to put himself physically between them to get their attention. "What's going on here?"

"Would you kindly tell Mr. Vega to step aside and let me into my niece's room?" Todd said.

Michael hoped neither man noticed that he jumped slightly and glanced in the window to check that it was Jessica and not Natalie. "Guys," he said, "this is not the place-"

"You're right," Antonio said, still keeping his eyes locked with Todd's, "go ahead." Todd brushed past him as he walked into Jessica's room.

Jessica's eyes were closed; there was a soft cast on her left arm. "Just me you can cut the act," Todd said after the door shut behind him. Her eyes fluttered open. She looked at him but didn't say anything.

"Was it Tess?" he asked.

"Must have been," she said.

"I don't get it," Todd sat down beside the bed, "Tess doesn't seem the suicidal type."

"I don't think she was trying to kill herself," Jessica said, "She was trying to climb out the window. I locked her in."

"You locked her in?"

Jessica fingered the blanket with her good hand. "When I go to sleep it's easier for her to take over. She's been running around again; I don't even want to think about what she's been doing, Todd. So sometimes I lock myself in my room at night and then she can't get out in the middle of the night. In the morning I just get someone to let me out; Mom thinks there's something wrong with my door. Anyway, I guess she just found another way out."

"Well she's resourceful," Todd said, "have to give her that. But she could have killed you."

"Yeah," Jessica said, her voice cracking slightly, "of course she leaves me to deal with the pain and injuries. I don't guess I have to worry about her coming out for a little while."

"Can't party too hard with cracked ribs," Todd said. "What have you told everybody?"

"The truth. That I can't remember it." She sighed. "Todd I have to tell them something. Mom, Natalie, Antonio, they're so worried, and they're confused-"

"And you think telling them is going to change that?" Todd said.

Jessica stared at the ceiling. She had no idea.

"Well she bought you some time," he added, "Like you said, she'll just leave you to deal with the pain, and I figure you're pretty safe in the hospital anyway. Take some time to think about it. Let me know what you decide."

Todd rose and left. Jessica closed her eyes again; it was easier to pretend she was sleeping than to keep fending off Antonio. Todd seemed to think that telling him was the worst possible strategy, but her mother's advice indicated that having the support of the man she loved could be the best way of sending Tess away. More importantly, as long as Tess knew things about Jessica's past that Jessica herself didn't know, fighting her was going to be very hard.

* * *

He wasn't sure if she was really there for a moment. He'd been walking for a while, trying to process through some of the thoughts in his head and he half thought she must be some image conjured up by his lately overactive subconscious. Maybe he had just willed her to be here. Whatever the case, there she sat, looking almost as much like an angel in the moonlight as the statue she was gazing up at. Her face was tearstained and she held a crumpled tissue in her hand, but she wasn't crying. She was just gazing fixedly on Cristian's angel. 

She hadn't noticed him, and somehow he felt like he was walking in on an intimate conversation, but it seemed like not revealing his presence would be more on an intrusion than approaching her. "Natalie?" he said walking over to the bench where she sat. "You okay?"

He sat down next to her, but she didn't respond or break eye contact with the statue.

"Ever since he died, everyone's always told me that Cristian was watching over me. Like a guardian angel."

"Yeah?" he said, sitting next to her.

She continued staring at the angel as if she was only peripherally aware of his presence beside her. "I know it's supposed to make me feel better," she said, "They're trying to comfort me. But I hope they're wrong."

They were wrong of course, not that he could tell her. And not that he thought it would make her feel better for a second to know that Cristian couldn't be looking down on her from heaven because he wasn't dead, he was sitting in a jail cell. "Why don't you want Cristian to be watching you?"

Her breath wavered, "Because if he is, he must be so ashamed of me right now."

He'd knew the feeling; he'd spent a lot of nights wondering how Caitlyn must feel about him. He told her what he was never able to tell himself. "Cristian loved you. I don't think he could ever be ashamed of you."

"Don't be so sure," she said forcefully. Whatever this was she felt very strongly about it. He thought back to the secret she and Rex had seemed to be keeping from him; was this about that?

"Why do you think that?" he asked.

She struggled to speak against the tears she was holding back. "Because my twin sister threw herself out of a window this morning, and I don't know why."

"You're sure Jessica threw herself out of that window?" he asked, genuinely surprised to learn this.

"Her bedroom door was locked from the inside, no one else could have gotten in," she said.

"Any chance it could have been an accident?"

She shook her head. "Not unless she accidentally removed the screen and accidentally climbed out onto the sill."

"Has she said anything about it?"

"She said she can't remember what happened. But she's lying, John. She's hiding something, I can tell that much." She hugged herself tightly and rocked back and forth. "I've been so wrapped up in myself, in my problems; I never realized she was in that much pain."

"Well, you've had a lot going on," he said brushing away a strand of hair that was sticking to her damp cheek.

She flinched at his touch; he tried not to be hurt by this telling himself that she was just trying to shut herself off, it was nothing personal. "It's no excuse. How could I be so self-centered? I'm a terrible sister."

"That's not true," he said.

"Yes, it is," she insisted. "You don't know, John. You don't know how horrible I've been to her. When I first got to Llanview, I hated her. I set out to destroy her life."

John fought the urge to put his arm around her, to comfort her. It was clear that she didn't want to be comforted. "Well, I wasn't here then, but from what I hear you'd just found out that your whole life had been a lie. I'd imagine you were pretty messed up."

"But I blamed Jessica for all of it, and it wasn't her fault. She was just a victim too. But all I could see was that she had the life I was supposed to have. If you knew the things I did to her-"

"But it was this Perkins woman who put you up to it, right? You were just being manipulated-"

"Allison told me to get close to Jessica so I could get a DNA sample. She didn't tell me to get my boyfriend to pretend to have feelings for her or to humiliate her in public. She didn't tell me to push her off a staircase."

"Okay, but as I understand it you two got past that a long time ago," he said.

"It doesn't make it go away," she said biting her lip.

"No," he said, "but it does mean you have to stop beating yourself over it. Jessica wouldn't want you to."

She sat silently for a moment then took a sharp breath in. "John?"

"Yeah?"

"I need you to do me a favor."

"Of course," he said searching for her eyes.

"I need you to go away," she said, still refusing to look at him.

"I'm sorry?" he had understood her; he just didn't want to believe that she meant it.

"I'm about to start crying, and I really need to stop doing it on your shoulder."

"Natalie, it's okay," he said, putting a hand on her arm.

She brushed him aside gently. "No, it's not. Look I need to start relying on myself okay. I need to start helping other people with their problems not throwing mine onto them. Or, more to the point, onto you."

"Do I get a say in this?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Look John, I know you feel responsible for me, but it's not fair to you." She added softly, "And it's really not fair to Evangeline."

He looked at her. Was it really possible that she didn't know about his last fight with Evangeline? He hadn't told her, or anyone for that matter, but he somehow assumed they would know. "I don't think Evangeline cares anymore," he said.

"No matter what she told you John, she cares," she said squeezing her eyes shut.

"I haven't talked to Evangeline in a week," he said.

She looked into his face for the first time. "I'm sorry, I didn't know. See what I mean? I don't pay any attention to what people around me are going through."

"It's no big thing. I'm okay with it," he said truthfully. "I've known it was coming for a while. You know when you spend so long dreading something, sometimes getting it over with is a relief."

"Still," she said, "I didn't help the two of you."

"Hey," he said, "You didn't do anything. And the only reason you didn't know was that I didn't want you to. And if Jessica had wanted to share what was going on, she would have."

"But I should have known. I'm just so wrapped up in myself-"

"Okay, you wanna be hard on yourself for not knowing Jess was in trouble? What about Viki? What about Antonio? Do you blame them for not being able to prevent this?"

He recognized the look on her face; it said that she wasn't ready to let herself off the hook. Rex was right; she could find a way to blame herself for anything. "John, you don't owe me anything. Just go," she pleaded.

"Would you, if it was me?" he asked.

"I never listen to you," she said smiling weakly, "you know that."

"That I do," he said. "You know what you need?"

"Therapy?" she suggested.

"Well, I guess," he said. "I was gonna suggest a night of watching bad movies and eating unhealthy food, but whatever."

She let out a breath in some semblance of a laugh. "Come on," he said standing up, offering her his hand and cocking his head towards the walkway leading towards the hotel.

"Where?" she asked blinking up at him in surprise.

"My place," he said matter-of-factly.

"I don't think so," she said, recoiling from his hand.

He shrugged, "Well if you think Viki has a better collection of bad movies or assortment of junk food and won't mind us dropping in."

"You have a collection of bad movies?" she sniffled.

"No," he shook his head, "but Michael does and he's at work and his lock is easy to pick."

"Really?"

"And I'd appreciate you not telling Roxy about that," he added.

"I won't," she promised.

"So come on," he repeated.

She sighed. "Okay." As they walked she added, "Thank you, John."

"Well my motives are not completely selfless," he admitted.

"They're not?" her brow furrowed.

"I need some more grease in my diet, you know," he said. And maybe keeping Natalie close would keep the nightmares away. Even if it only lasted one night.

* * *

He had not intended to fall asleep. He didn't even think it would be possible, but he woke up to static on the TV and Natalie's head on his shoulder. She had fallen asleep halfway into _Army of Darkness_ and he'd justified not waking her by telling himself that she needed the rest. It was better than admitting how much he liked the gentle weight of her sleeping form which had shifted against him. Her face looked so peaceful, so unlike its appearance earlier that evening… 

It was 5:00am. He should wake her up; let her get home. Instead he tilted her on to the bed, fully meaning to get up, to move to the couch where they should have been anyway. He had been the one to point out that in its current position the television was easier to see from the bed. He'd even insisted eating greasy chips in bed was part of the 'therapy.' It was asking for trouble and he knew it, but he had done it.

He didn't get up. He couldn't make himself move away from her. No matter how much he knew it was the better thing to do, better for both of them. Instead he leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips.

Okay, now stop it. Get up. Go take a shower. Just leave her alone, he told himself.

But he didn't; he deepened the kiss, just slightly, and suddenly he realized she was kissing him back. He finally managed to move back enough to look at her face again. Her eyelids fluttered open.

"Hi," she mumbled groggily, looking up at him in confusion.

To be continued.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's note: Sorry about the delay; I've had a bit of writer's block on this one. Next chapter hopefully up much quicker.

* * *

"What time is it?" she asked, pushing up on her elbows.

"Little after five," he said not moving. Not knowing which way to move. She hadn't acknowledged the kiss, much less reacted to it. At what point had she awakened? Did she even know he'd kissed her?

She rose up to sitting and swung her feet to the floor. "I'm sorry," she said, "I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"It's okay," he said, "I dozed off myself for a while."

"I should get home," she said standing up, "Make sure Mom's not wondering where I am. I need to shower and check in on Jess before work."

"You need a ride?" he asked, standing up himself with his ability to move suddenly restored.

"No, I'll be okay, I-" she stopped suddenly, staring at him with a look that changed rapidly from confusion to horror to an embarrassed laugh.

"What?" he asked, looking down at himself and feeling somewhat self-conscious.

"I am so sorry!" she exclaimed covering her giggle with her hand.

"For what?" he insisted, not enjoying being left out of the joke.

"You're wearing my foundation," she said pointing to a pale smear on the shoulder of his black shirt.

He looked down at it in amusement, "What? You don't think it's my color?"

She walked over to him and began brushing at the spot. "Not quite. I am so sorry. Seriously."

He caught her hands in his. "Don't sweat it; I need to wash these every now and then anyway."

She pulled her hands away, seeming somewhat flustered by the contact with his skin. "I'll wash it," she volunteered.

"You don't need to do that," he said, trying very hard not to laugh at her embarrassment.

"Please," she said, blue eyes looking up at him earnestly, "It'll make me feel better."

"What? Is there some kind of special solvent required to get this stuff out?" he licked his finger and rubbed at the spot.

She smiled. It was such a 'guy' solution to the problem. "Just give me the shirt, John."

He shrugged and started unbuttoning his shirt. She took a sharp breath in and turned away; she hadn't thought clearly enough to realize that giving her the shirt would necessitate him taking off the shirt. It wasn't anything she hadn't seen before, and it wasn't that she didn't enjoy the sight of his bare chest—she definitely did, she just wasn't quite prepared for it.

He seemed to enjoy his ability to make her blush. He was actually quite surprised at it; after everything that had happened and not happened between them he didn't expect her to be so bashful. He tossed the shirt to her.

"Okay," she said folding it into a sloppy ball, "I'll get this back to you soon." She grabbed her purse off the floor and turned to go, but turned back before she reached the door. "Thanks, John," she said.

"You don't need to thank me for anything," he said shaking his head and walking towards her.

"Yes, I do," she said, "There's a lot I have to thank you for." She put her arms around his neck and hugged him, trying not to hold him to tight. Trying not to enjoy the sensation of her face against his bare shoulder, his arms wrapping around her waist. This was not the time or place. She needed to concentrate on Jessica, not on her own idiotic romantic pursuits. As she pulled away, his hands lingered on her hips, as if he wasn't quite ready to let her go. "Well, I'll see you at work," she said slipping out of them.

"Yeah," he said as she opened the door and shut it behind her.

In the hallway Natalie took a deep breath. The last 24 hours seemed hazy and surreal, from finding Jessica lying unconscious on the ground to waking up with John's lips touching hers. Had that really happened? Or was it one of those dreams that you have as you're waking up that seem so real you have to clear your head and remind yourself they're not? He hadn't said anything about it, but then neither had she. She reminded herself again of her resolution to concentrate on others for a while, not her own problems.

"You work fast," she heard a voice behind her say. She turned to see Michael McBain, his arms folded over his chest. There was a look in his eyes she couldn't quite read; it looked as though he was trying to seem amused, but there was a darkness behind it somewhere between anger and hurt. "One week you're sneaking out of my room, next week you're sneaking out of my brother's…"

She hugged John's shirt to her self consciously, as if holding his shirt was more incriminating than emerging from his room. "It's not what if looks like," she stammered.

"Really?" he asked skeptically.

"I just… we were watching movies; I fell asleep. Nothing happened."

Michael cocked his head to the side, "But how did you end up in his room in the first place?"

"I was upset about Jessica, John found me, and invited me back here to watch your B-movie collection."

"_My_ movie collection?" he said, raising an eyebrow.

"It was his idea," she said.

"How much of it was his idea?"

"The whole thing. Michael I swear this wasn't one of my crazy schemes."

"So you didn't happen to put yourself somewhere you knew John would be so that he could find you all distressed?" he asked with a smirk.

"No," she said, "Trust me Michael, for once he was actually the last thing on my mind."

Michael didn't say anything, he just stood there looking at her and smirking. It was unnerving. "What?" she finally asked.

"So what happened?"

"Nothing," she repeated, "you of all people should believe me considering you're always telling me that nothing's going to happen between me and your brother."

"Exactly," he said, "and before tonight you've found some hidden sign in everything Johnny does which you say proves that he's secretly in love with you. So the only reason I can think of that you would spend the night in his room and say nothing happened would be if something really did happen."

"Yeah, I think you need to go to sleep, doctor," she said, "because you aren't making any sense."

"And why are you holding his shirt?" he added.

Natalie looked down at the ball of black fabric that she'd tried to scrunch as small as possible. "I fell asleep on his shoulder and got make up on it. I felt bad so I offered to clean it."

He made a face like he'd just smelled something unpleasant, "You aren't going to do anything weird like douse it in your perfume so it smells like you are you?"

Her jaw dropped in indignation, "Michael! Do you really think I'd do something that childish?"

He shrugged, "I've learned never to underestimate you."

Natalie rolled her eyes. "I'm going home." She walked a few steps down the hall then turned back, "Hey, Michael, did you happen to see Jess while you were working tonight?"

He nodded, the smirk leaving his face. "Yeah, she's doing okay. I mean, considering." There was sympathy in his eyes all of a sudden; she tried not to notice. Too much sympathy in those eyes had gotten her into trouble not so long ago.

"Thanks," she said, "I really gotta go. I want to stop by and see her on my way to work." She scurried down the hall, grateful to escape Michael and hoping to escape any further confrontations.

* * *

Natalie stood in the doorway to her sister's hospital room. Jessica was sleeping, and she probably needed the rest; no point in going in and disturbing her. She'd only been able to get sketchy information from the nurses, but they confirmed that she would definitely be fine, physically. They would be moving her to a different room today and she would have to stay at least a few more days for observation. They didn't say so, but Natalie had the impression that the reason for this observation had more to do with Jessica's mental health than the physical. 

She felt a gentle hand on her shoulder and heard her mother's voice say, "Natalie honey?"

"Mom," she said, "Hi. I didn't realize you were here."

"I've been here about an hour. I just stepped away to get a cup of coffee. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she said tucking her hair behind her ears, "I'm just worried about Jess."

"The doctors say she's going to be okay," Viki said with a tone that said she wasn't completely convinced either.

"I know," she whispered.

"I was a little worried about _you_ when you didn't come home last night," Viki said pointedly.

"I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean to worry you," she said. Now was not the time to try to explain the latest in the situation with John; her mother had been advising her to stay away from him and they didn't need to argue right now. "I just crashed at Rex's. He was trying to cheer me up."

"Well, that was very nice of him," she said. "And you're a grown woman, you can certainly sleep where you like, I just… need to know where all my babies are right now." She wrapped her daughter in a tight hug.

"I'll call next time," Natalie promised. Over her mother's shoulder she spotted Rex standing near by giving her a curious look. "Well, I have to get to work," she said, "I just wanted to come by and see how she was."

"Okay, baby," she said releasing her, "I'll see you tonight?"

"Yeah," Natalie said, slipping away from her mother. She watched her mother disappear into her sister's room before walking slowly over to Rex.

"What are you doing here?" she hissed.

"I came to see Jess," he said, sounding shocked that she'd had to ask, "She was my sister once too, you know."

"And you used that to try to get money out of her," she said.

"I'm a changed man!" he insisted.

"She's asleep right now," Natalie said, "Mom's in there

"I saw," he said, "Mom keeping tabs on you, huh?"

"Yeah," she said looking back towards Viki, visible through the open door to Jessica's room, "she's gotten a little paranoid with everything that's happened. Likes to know where we are."

He nodded. "You know, I don't mind being an alibi, but you might want to warn me first. What if I'd run into her and said something?"

"What?" she asked.

"Well, I overheard you telling her that you crashed at my place last night, and I happen to know you didn't."

"Yeah," she said, "about that-"

"Just tell me you weren't with Michael McBain again."

"No," she said, "the other one."

"Really?" he said sounding surprised and impressed.

"But it wasn't what you think," she added.

"You sure?"

She shook her head, "He was trying to cheer me up, we were watching movies; I fell asleep."

"And that's all?" he said raising his eyebrows.

She looked a little uneasy. "Not quite."

"Not quite?"

"It's weird," she said.

"Do I want to know?" he asked.

"It's just…," she grabbed him by the arm and pulled him to a couch in the waiting area, further from Jessica's room and the earshot of anyone who could be listening. She took a breath, "While I was sleeping he kissed me."

"Okay… How do you know?" he asked leaning in conspiratorially.

"Because I woke up, but the thing is… we didn't talk about it. Like we didn't even acknowledge that it happened. I'm not sure he knows I know he kissed me."

Rex stared at her in disbelief for a moment then dissolved into laughter. Loud laughter. Which didn't stop; he doubled over, nearly falling on the floor, but did not stop laughing.

"Stop it," she hissed, smacking him on the shoulder and looking around at the strange looks the nurses were giving him.

"Okay, okay," he said as he bit his lip to control his laughter.

"What is so funny about this?" she demanded.

"You realize there are no two other people who could wind up in a situation this ridiculous, right?"

"Probably not."

"Probably? After all this time you spend the whole night in his room and the only thing you're stressing about is a kiss? He kissed you, you know he kissed you, but you don't know if he knows that you know he kissed you? Natalie, come on!"

"Okay," she conceded putting her face in her hands, "it's ridiculous; I sound like a teenager-"

"Or a fifth grader."

"Whatever," she groaned, "But what do I do?"

"Well this is pretty radical," he said, "but you could just go into his office and say, 'Hey Johnny, you kissed me this morning and I think we need to talk about that.'"

"No," she said, dismissing the suggestion immediately.

"Of course not," Rex said waving his hand, "you should definitely do something more sensible like endanger your life or get wasted and wander into other people's beds. Talking would be much too sane for you two."

"Thanks for the moral support," she said glaring out of the corner of her eye. He had a point though. Not that she was going to admit it.

"Or you could just kiss _him_ out of the blue and see how he likes it," Rex suggested a bit more seriously.

"I need someone to gather intell for me is what I need," she said thoughtfully. "If I could just get someone else to find out how he feels about the whole thing and tell me…" She gave Rex meaningful look.

"Don't bother looking at me that way," he said, "McBain's not likely to open up to me."

"Yeah, like there's someone he _is _likely to open up to," she groaned.

"Well…" he said slowly, "there's always the Little McBain."

"Little McBain?"

"Well, I mean maybe he's not. You're the expert there," he grinned.

Natalie popped the back of his head in response and gave him a death glare. "I'm just saying," Rex continued, "he'd have the best shot of getting big bro to talk."

"Yeah, 'cause _he's_ gonna want to help me out. And even if he did," she said, "it's not going to happen in the next fifteen minutes and I have to go to work and he's going to be there. What do I do?"

Rex turned on the couch so that he could look at Natalie more clearly, "You want some serious brotherly advice?"

She nodded.

"Don't plan it. Just go to work and let whatever happens, happen."

Her forehead wrinkled, "That sounds more like Viki than you."

He shrugged. "Well, y'know, normally I'm more for the active approach, but you, my dear sister," he said putting an arm around her, "will over analyze things if you let yourself and that just usually mucks things up."

"You know what's really funny," she said looking off into space, "is I swore yesterday, right before I ran into him I was going to give this whole thing a rest. I was going to concentrate on the other people in my life."

"Like Jessica?" he asked sobering suddenly.

"Yeah," she whispered biting her lip.

"What happened?" he asked uneasily.

"I don't know," she said looking down, "I mean, she'd been acting strange lately. Like you remember when she came in that night when we were in my kitchen?"

"Yeah, I was quite shocked at some of the things that came out of her mouth."

"Well there's that and she hasn't been showing up places where she says she'll be and there's all these things she says she can't remember."

"But you didn't have any idea she would-"

"No," Natalie said shaking her head sadly. "And now I want to help her, but I just don't know what to do."

"I know the feeling," a voice said behind her. She turned to see Antonio looming over them. How did someone so short loom so successfully? It was something he did quite well.

"Hey Antonio," she said, "How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine," he said, "how's Jess?"

"Better, I guess," she said standing up so that she could talk to him without straining her neck, "she's sleeping."

He nodded slowly, processing this information. "Every time I looked in yesterday she was sleeping. But you're uncle came by and she woke up to talk to him."

"You think she was faking being asleep?" Rex asked.

"I think Todd knows something about what's going on that he's not sharing with the rest of us," Antonio replied.

Natalie sighed. "You're right, I think anyway. That's the impression I get."

"Have you asked him about it?" Antonio asked. There was a sharp edge to his voice; Natalie knew it wasn't directed at her, it was anger at Todd and frustration over not being able to help Jessica.

"Antonio," she said, "Todd and I aren't close like he and Jessica are; he's not going to talk to me. Especially if he won't tell my mom, which he won't."

"I guess not," Antonio said clinching his jaw. "But if he does say anything, please, let me know."

"I will," she promised. "I need to get to work. When Jess wakes up can you tell her I'll come by later?"

"Yeah," he said, "I'll see you later." Antonio's attention had already left Natalie completely and shifted to Jessica who he could see through the open door of her room. He'd watched her sleeping in his own bed so many times and it had always made him feel closer to her. Watching her sleep in that hospital bed now only emphasized how separated they'd become. He loved her; perhaps more intensely than he'd ever loved another woman. He wanted to protect her, to help her, but clearly she didn't want his help. Which left him with the inevitable conclusion that he was at least in part the problem which had landed her in that bed.

To be continued.

* * *

Author's note part 2: Sorry also if this chapter was less than thrilling. It's stuff that needed to happen to move on, I promise further chapters will be more exiting. 


	6. Chapter 6

Author's note: There's a touch of smut at the end of this chapter, it's not too graphic--definitely not NC-17 and I don't even think necessarily R. But I wanted to give ya'll a heads up.

* * *

In Natalie's absence the day before a lot of paperwork had piled up. Although she would be there late, even if she skipped lunch, part of her was grateful to be busy. The more she had to do the less time she could spend worrying over Jessica or analyzing her night with John. She had successfully focused herself so intently on work that she was only peripherally aware of what was going on around her. So she was quite perplexed when a paper bag plunked down on her desk. She looked up to see John standing in front of her desk. "What is that?" she asked. 

"It's your lunch," he said making it sound as if this should have been obvious.

She shook her head not understanding, "It's not mine. I'm just going to grab one of those PowerBars Muñoz thinks he has hidden in the back of that cabinet."

He smiled slightly, "It's yours. I got it for you."

Natalie reached out for the bag for the first time. "You did?" she asked in surprise.

He shrugged, "I heard you say something about working through lunch and I thought about all the times you brought me food when I was working on something so I thought..."

She smiled broadly, "Thank you. That was very sweet of you." Any other day she would have stood up and hugged him, but they still hadn't talked about what had happened in his room that morning. Somehow, in light of this, physical contact seemed like it would be awkward. Instead she pulled a French fry out of the bag and bit off half of it

"How's Jess doing?" he asked slipping his hands into his pockets.

"Better," she said, "physically. She was asleep and I didn't want to bother her, so…"

"She's got great support," he said, "she'll get through this."

"She has to," Natalie said. She felt suddenly choked with tears again at the thought of what would happen if Jessica did not get through this; whatever "this" was. Don't cry, she told herself, not at work. Not in front of John. Not again. He's done enough. "I'll get your shirt back to you tomorrow," she said, changing the subject.

"Whenever," he said. He stood there looking intently at her. His gaze made her heart flutter, and she told herself she should stop that. Not now. Not with Jess in the hospital. But he wasn't making any motion to leave.

"Well," she said, taking another fry out of the bag, "back to work. No sense in working through lunch if you're not going to work."

"Yeah," he said, "I'll leave you alone. Just… you know if you need anything, you know where I am."

"Likewise," she replied. Well that was different, she thought to herself. And weird. And sweet. And infuriating and endearing all at once.

* * *

Michael McBain looked over the chart in his hands. There were so many things about being a doctor that he still wasn't used to; there were the things everybody talked about, the life and death stuff, losing patients. Then there was the stuff that was just weird, like looking at the chart of a patient, who was also a friend, and trying to stay clinical. To be honest, Jessica Buchanan was not _his_ patient, but she was _a_ patient, and something about the case didn't sit right. Well of course it didn't sit right to have a friend attempt suicide, but it was so unexpected. Jessica had always seemed so steady. There was no diagnosis on the chart, but he could tell she was being kept in the hospital for psychiatric rather than physical observation. Her physical injuries while significant were no longer a cause for real concern. 

It was no wonder Natalie had been upset last night. And hardly surprising that she had wound up with John. What surprised him, was the pang of regret that he felt for not having been there for her himself. He was also surprised to discover himself wondering for the first time whether it had been Natalie taking advantage of the situation to get John's attention, or John taking advantage of the opportunity to give it. He wasn't sure why he felt this way, there was no reason for him to feel jealous, he wasn't interested in Natalie; most of the time he wasn't even sure that he liked her. Most of the time. It was simply that their night together, whatever it had been, had made him feel a connection to her he hadn't anticipated.

And for some reason the sight of her walking towards him made his pulse quicken, just a little. "She still okay?" she asked anxiously.

"Yeah," he said putting the chart away, "yeah, she's gonna be fine."

"Thank God," she said breathing out heavily in relief.

"How about you?" he asked.

"Me?" she said, sounding surprised, "yeah, I'm okay. Just a little rattled, you know."

"So did anything else not happen between you and my brother today?" he asked.

"No," she said, "well, actually, he brought me lunch, but-"

"He brought you lunch?" Michael raised his eyebrows, "and you didn't equate that with a marriage proposal?"

"I am not that bad," she protested.

"Today."

A guilty look washed over her face, "I have to confess something."

"You want me to get the hospital chaplain?" he volunteered.

She ignored his jibe, "You know how I told you that nothing happened last night?"

"You changed your mind?"

"He kissed me."

Michael looked at her skeptically, "He kissed you?"

"Yes," she said, "and I didn't say anything before because-"

"Okay, but what kind of kiss are we talking about?" he asked, slouching slightly more than usual to bring himself closer to her level. "Was it a friendly kiss 'good-bye' on the cheek? A brotherly kiss on the forehead?"

"Does he kiss you on the forehead?" Natalie asked wrinkling her nose.

"Not since I was a baby."

"It was a _kiss_," she told him, "on the mouth. It was a real kiss, but the thing is he thought I was asleep."

"You were faking?"

"Not exactly, but I didn't want to tell him that I was awake, so I didn't say anything. And of course he didn't say anything. So I don't have any idea what the whole thing meant."

"Well I'm glad you're at least admitting that," Michael said.

"It's just… yesterday he came tearing into the hospital because he somehow got the impression from Lois that I was the one being taken to the ER. Then he finds me last night, and he knew exactly what I needed, he was just so there for me. Then the kiss this morning and the bringing me lunch out of the blue…"

"It's all very sweet," Michael admitted, "but this doesn't necessarily mean he's interested in you. He hasn't done anything I wouldn't do for a friend."

"You kiss your friends like that a lot?"

"Well I don't know," he smirked, "are you and I friends?"

She shuttered, "Please don't bring that up."

"Okay," he said starting to walk away, "Just don't do anything crazy, okay?"

"I wasn't planning on it," she said hurrying after him, "and to prevent that, you're going to help me out."

"Oh really?" he asked turning back to her.

"Yeah," she said, trying to smile sweetly, "I need to find out your brother's perspective on things. And I think if I just confront him about it, things could easily get out of hand."

"Please tell me you're not going to ask me what I think you are," Michael said closing his eyes in dread.

"If you could just talk to him-"

"Does it occur to you what a bad choice I am for this?" he asked squinting at her slightly.

"You're the perfect choice," she insisted. "The only choice."

"Natalie," he said folding his arms, "I know you were very drunk last Thursday, but I also know you remember what happened between us."

"We've been through this," she said dropping her voice and looking around to make sure no one was listening to them, "You were thinking of another redhead, I was thinking of another McBain, so there really isn't anything between us."

"Disturbingly accurate as that is," he said, "I don't think I should be your recon man."

"You're the only one he talks to," she said grabbing his arm. "Please! To prevent another train wreck."

He rolled his eyes and sighed. "Okay," he said, "but only because it's likely to cause less chaos in Johnny's life than letting you handle it on your own."

"I knew you'd see the logic," she smiled. "I'm gonna go see if Jess is awake now. You'll get back to me after you talk to him then."

"Yeah," he said, "give Jessica my best."

She flashed him one more smile before opening the door to her sister's room.

Jessica was staring at the ceiling, but she turned and looked at Natalie when she came in. Natalie forced a smile and said, "Hey!" as cheerfully as she could manage.

"Hey," Jessica replied in a voice devoid of cheer or any discernable emotion at all.

"I just saw Michael," Natalie said, "He says you're going to be fine."

"So they tell me," Jessica said, turning her attention back to the mottled panels above her head.

Natalie sat down beside her. "So um… any chance of you telling me what's really going on?"

Jessica turned back to her, surprised at the directness. Surprised to have someone convey anything but artificial cheer to her. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well, I've known for a while that there was something wrong," Natalie began, "And I just… I didn't say anything because I was distracted by… other things. And then what happened yesterday… And obviously you need support and I figure the best way for me to start that is by getting you to tell me what's going on."

"Thank you, for wanting to help," Jessica said, "but I really don't think I can explain."

"Maybe you could just tell me what happened the other night," Natalie suggested.

"I don't remember," Jessica said.

"You don't remember-?" her sister began, not quite understanding how this was possible.

"I was getting ready for bed and then I was here," Jessica insisted, "Seriously, that's all I remember."

"Kind of like what happened with that fire at R.J.'s?" Natalie asked.

"Yeah," Jessica said softly.

Natalie looked at her sister for a moment, trying to decide how to say what she wanted to without sounding cruel. "Jessica," she finally said, "Don't get mad... I just kind of thought that when you said you didn't remember these things, that you were just saying that. That there was something else you were hiding. But you're telling me that you really don't remember how these things happened?"

Jessica felt guilty, knowing her sister felt bad accusing her of hiding something when the truth was she _was_ hiding something. She thought briefly of telling Natalie, but dismissed the idea immediately, the last thing Natalie needed was to add her DID to her long list of crises. "I just black out," she said, "It's like I'm sleepwalking."

"You think that's what happened the other night?" Natalie pressed, "You think you were sleepwalking when you jumped out of the window?"

"I don't know," Jessica said trying not to sound too fed up with discussing this, but hoping Natalie would take the hint and drop it.

"What does Dr... what's his name?"

"Jamison."

"What does Dr. Jamison say about it?"

Dr. Jamsion knew exactly what was going on, but she couldn't let Natalie know. "We're going to start meeting more regularly," she said.

"Okay," Natalie said, still fighting to find the words for what she needed to say, "do you remember a couple years ago, how this started happening to me? All these things I couldn't remember, black outs-"

"That was Niki Smith," Jessica said, "She was trying to make you think you had DID so she could get you out of her way."

"I know," she said, "It's just this all sounds so much like everything that happened back then. I hate to suggest this, but-"

"You think someone's trying to make me think I have DID? You think one of Mom's alters is back?"

"Well I guess it doesn't have to be Niki Smith, it could be someone else. What about R.J.?"

"You haven't told mom about this theory, have you?" Jessica asked sitting up and wincing at the pain in her ribs.

"No," Natalie said, "I don't want to upset her but...can you come up with any other explanation?"

"I really do have DID," Jessica said softly, relaxing back against the pillows.

"Jessica, I know what you're going through," Natalie insisted, "but DID is not hereditary, there's no way you have-"

"Natalie, listen to me," Jessica said firmly, "I have DID. It's not a suspicion, it's real."

Natalie stared at her, either not comprehending or not wanting to, "You're sure?"

"Tess," Jessica said sighing unexpectedly with relief. She couldn't believe how good it felt to actually tell someone herself; to have one less person she didn't have to dread discovering her secret. "That's her name; my alter. I've um… Had a couple encounters with her. And she is…"

"Wait," Natalie said, "last Friday morning when Rex and I were sitting in the kitchen and you came staggering in, you were supposed to be out with Antonio but you weren't."

Jessica shook her head, "I don't remember that. I know I stood Antonio up, I got his voicemails the next morning, but I don't remember the night before. It must have been her."

"My God, Jess," Natalie said, "How long has this been going on?"

"A while now," she said, "At least six months or so."

"And you haven't told anyone?"

"Todd figured it out," Jessica said. "And Dr. Jamison, of course."

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Natalie asked, "I mean it must have been awful going around knowing that and trying to hide it."

"I tried to tell Mom," Jessica said, "Well, Todd tried to make Tess tell her. It almost killed her."

"The heart attack," Natalie said understanding.

"And she threatened to kill Antonio if I told him," she continued. "So I just tried to lock her in. But obviously I can't. She's so strong…" Jessica's voice cracked and she trailed off.

Natalie took her hand, "So are you."

Jessica shook her head, "Not nearly strong enough."

"Well we'll just have to make you then," Natalie said. "I figure the best way for you to fight her is to make yourself as strong as possible."

"I just don't know how," Jessica said.

Natalie shrugged. "We'll figure it out."

* * *

Michael McBain took a deep breath and knocked on the door, wondering for the 78th time at least how Natalie had talked him into this. No, she hadn't. He wasn't here to gather information for Natalie; he was here to get his movies back. That was all. If he and John happened to start talking about how the movies had gotten here in the first place and Natalie's name just happened to come up... well it would just be a coincidence. 

John answered the door with a bottle of beer in his hand. "Hey Mikey, what's up?" he said.

"I need to report a crime, actually," Michael said, trying to look serious.

"Really?" his brother said sounding somewhat surprised but not overly concerned.

"Yeah, I think someone broke into my room last night."

John held back a smile, "Anything taken?"

"That's the really weird thing," Michael said, looking perplexed, "the only thing they took was a bunch of tapes and DVDs. And it wasn't even the ones you'd expect them to take; it was just a bunch of B horror movies and stuff like that."

"Hmm," John said thoughtfully, "Who do you suppose would do something like that?"

"I don't know," Michael grinned, "but I have a hunch it might've been my big brother and a certain redhead."

John cocked his head to the side and looked at him curiously, "How'd you know about that?"

"I ran into Natalie this morning in the hallway," Michael said. Then narrowing his eyes slightly he added, "I have to admit, when I saw her sneaking out of your room this morning, I was kind of surprised to find out you'd just been watching movies."

John didn't respond to this insinuation; he turned away and gave Michael room to enter his room. "You come to get your movies back?"

"Might be nice," he said. "I actually just saw Natalie at the hospital. She was visiting Jess."

"How is Jess?" John asked collecting the movies.

"I think she's gonna be all right," Michael said, "She's got lots of supportive family. Speaking of which, you might want to be careful with Natalie."

John frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, you know, she's really upset about what happened with Jess," Michael said, "She's kind of vulnerable and when that happens she tends to turn to you."

"So?" John asked, handing a stack of tapes to Michael.

"You just don't want Natalie to misinterpret something that you do as a friend," Michael said as he dropped two of the tapes off the stack. "She still has feelings for you, you know, so when you do things like bring her lunch or kiss her-"

"She told you about that?" John asked in surprise.

"Yeah," Michael said, "and you can just imagine what's going through her head right now."

John didn't respond he just pursed his lips in thought.

"So what _did_ you mean by it," Michael pushed.

"I don't know, Mikey," he admitted, "it just…right then… it felt right."

"Really?" Michael said sounding slightly irritated, "and how do you feel about Natalie right now?"

"I feel… like she deserves a whole hell of a lot better than me," John said running a hand through his hair.

"Yeah, I didn't ask how you felt about yourself," Michael said, "because fortunately for guys like us and unfortunately for girls like Natalie, Marcie, and Evangeline love doesn't work on a merit system."

"I don't know, Mikey," he sighed, "I don't even know what I'm feeling."

"Well if Natalie was here right now, instead of me, would you still have the urge to kiss her?"

"I've been fighting that urge for a long time man," John said softly.

"Well maybe you should stop fighting it," Michael said walking towards the door, "before she realizes she deserves better than the likes of you."

He let the door shut behind him, secretly hoping he'd left John in a bit of turmoil over the situation. As if Michael needed to do anything to prompt that. When he was out of earshot from his brother's door he pulled out his cell phone.

"Hello?" her voice said sounding surprised at his call.

"You win," he said.

"What?" she asked.

"That recon mission you sent me on. You win."

"I don't understand," she said.

"I just left his room. I got the answer you wanted; the one I told you repeatedly you weren't gonna get. So you win."

"Really?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said, "I mean he's as mixed up as ever, so you might want to have a chat with him yourself, but…"

"Thank you, Michael," she said quickly. "Thank you so much."

"Don't," he said shutting the phone. He knew her well enough to know that wherever she was, Natalie was throwing on a low cut top and fixing her lipstick, preparing to rush over to John's room.

* * *

There was a knock at the door. Without thinking to ask who it was or look through the peephole he walked to the door and flung it open. It was Natalie. She must have come running up the steps because she looked flushed and out of breath. In her eyes was a look of nervousness mingled with fear mingled with need. Her mouth moved as though she was about to say something, but suddenly she grabbed the back of his head and pulled his lips down to hers. The kiss was forceful, but soft. And overpowering. He didn't fight it and when she released him he took half a step back, trying to recapture the breath she had just stolen. For her part Natalie looked even more breathless and shocked at her own boldness. Again she struggled to speak, to find the words to explain why she was here, what they needed to talk about. He leaned against the doorframe for a half a moment taking in her presence, processing what was happening, and then for once without thinking about it put a hand behind her head and gently pulled her to him, drowning whatever words she was trying to form with a kiss. 

She stumbled into him and he savored the sensation of her body brushing against his as he pulled his head up and looked down on her. She was still breathing hard and trembling slightly; she made no move towards him or to pull away. He bent to kiss her again, softly gently. Still she did not move but she allowed him to pull her into the room with him. He reached a hand over her head and pushed the door shut. He knew he should stop. She seemed to have come here to talk; this was probably not what she'd had in mind. But he continued kissing her, pulling her against him, until finally whatever fear had been holding her back dissolved and she gave into the kiss, kissing him back with a growing intensity.

In a quick motion he stooped and brought his left hand under her knees so that she collapsed in his arms. Without moving his lips from hers he carried her to the bed and lay her down gently, positioning himself above her and gently pushing her legs apart with one knee. Breaking contact with her mouth for the first time in ages he raised himself enough that he could look into her face. She was still trembling and there was still a hint of fear in her eyes, but it was over powered now by need. He brushed the hair back from her forehead; he wanted to reassure her, to somehow rid her eyes of that trace of fear.

"Natalie," he said softly.

She raised her hand to his lips. "Shh," she whispered, "don't stop. Please, don't stop."

Stopping was the last thing he wanted to do. He grasped her hand in his, running her fingers over his lips before pushing it gently back down to the bed. Easing the rest of his weight down upon her he nuzzled her neck while tracing the outline of her body with his hands. When he reached the hem of her shirt he grasped it in both hands and pulled it up. Natalie raised her shoulders up to help him pull the shirt over her head. As he ran his hands over the now bare skin at her waist she fumbled for the buttons on his shirt. Her right leg curled around him. There were still things they needed to talk about—so many problems which would still be there in the morning. But it was wordlessly understood that they were both content to let them wait until then.

To be continued.


	7. Chapter 7

Author's note: Computer and health problems have kept me from updating. That and a bit of writer's block. As always, feedback appreciated.

* * *

It was still dark when he woke up; acutely aware of her warmth nestled against him. He had no right to that warmth, he reminded himself. No right to feel this happy. No right to this woman who clung to him in the dark, her skin glowing amber from the street lights outside. This woman who was very much married to a man who was very much alive and sitting in a prison cell. The woman he'd been lying to for months about his feelings and her husband. Damn it, John, how did you let this happen? You were so good at pushing her away, at telling her, "no." How did she get here? How had he let her in here? How was he going to keep from destroying her yet again?

It had been too late for him for such a long time, maybe it was too late for her. Maybe they were both damned. And if that was the case, what harm could come from lying there, bathing in her warmth, drinking in her scent, wrapping his arms around her and praying he could keep out the hell fires, if only for a while…

And when he awoke again her warmth was gone and he wondered if maybe it had never really been there. Maybe it had been a dream. But he couldn't remember the last dream which hadn't been a nightmare. And then she walked out the bathroom and smiled at him and he couldn't think anymore.

"Good morning," she said walking back towards the bed.

"Yes it is," he said putting his hands behind his head and smiling up at her.

She perched on the edge of the bed, "So the thing is—I actually came here to talk last night."

"You don't think we've done enough talking?" he asked grabbing her arm and pulling her toward him.

"No," she said hovering a few inches above his lips, "I don't."

"Well I don't think we've done enough of this," he pulling her head down to his and kissing her deeply. She relaxed enough to let her torso rest on his chest, kissing him back.

A moment later she pulled away enough to murmur, "Neither do I, but that doesn't get you off the hook."

"Am I hooked?" he asked.

"That's what I want to know," she said.

"What I know is," he said, "What happened last night… I've wanted that for a long time."

"Me too," she said staring at him intently, "but the question is: what happens now?"

Could there be even a glimmer of hope that she was sane enough to be looking for a way out? This was his chance to shoot her down, to push her away, to say all the wrong things. He should be so good at it by now…

But the best he could manage was turning it back to her, "What do you want to happen?"

She took his hand, interweaving their fingers. "I want to be this happy every morning."

"Well, I don't know if I can deliver, but I'd like to give it a shot," he said kissing her hand.

"We can talk about how to do that later," she said, "I have to go now."

"No you don't," he said folding his arms around her, pulling her against him.

"Yes, I do," she said a little more emphatically.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because," she said slowly extricating herself from his grasp, "We both have to be at work in an hour and a half."

"So we have lots of time," he said sitting up so that he was inches from her again.

"I have to go home and shower," she said.

"I have a shower," he said nuzzling her neck.

"And brush my teeth," she continued.

"I'll let you use my toothbrush," he volunteered, nipping at her earlobe.

"And change clothes," she added, weaving a little bit out of his reach, "unless you want to explain to my uncle why I'm wearing the same clothes as yesterday."

"Hmm," he said sitting back, "that is a problem."

"I'd wear yours," she said, "but I suspect someone might notice and ask the same questions."

"Yeah," he said resignedly.

"We still need to talk," she said.

"We'll talk, I promise."

"And you need to stop that or I'll never get out of here," she said pushing away his hand which had been running through her hair.

"That was kind of the idea," he grinned.

"I'll see you soon," she said backing towards the door.

"Yeah, yeah," he said playfully, flopping back on the bed. With one more intimate smile she slipped out the door and shut it softly behind her. She deserved so much better. Their night together had been so amazing, so much more than he'd ever anticipated, except that he'd never anticipated giving in and letting it happen.

And he never anticipated her rushing back into his room a moment later with a look of panic on her face. He sat up quickly in alarm. "Okay, I need a favor," she said in one shallow breath, shutting the door behind her.

"What's wrong?" he asked, already climbing out of bed.

"Roxy's downstairs in the lobby," she panted.

"Um… yeah… she does run the place," he reminded her.

"Look, I just don't… I'd just prefer that she not be the one to announce to all of Llanview that we…"

"Understood," he said nodding his head thoughtfully. Discretion was certainly not Roxy's strong suit.

"I need you to distract her for a minute while I sneak out," she explained.

"Think I can manage that," he said as he rolled out of bed and started getting dressed.

"I'd just kind of like to keep this to ourselves for a little bit," she said sitting down on the bed.

He tried not to frown, tried not to look disappointed or hurt. "Yeah if you don't want anyone to know-"

"John," she cut him off, "I'm not ashamed of anything that's happened between us."

Of course she wasn't—she didn't know any better. She should be. He should be. Ashamed of letting this incredible woman get dragged into the hell he created wherever he went.

"Seriously," she continued, "you have no idea how much I want to go up to the roof and shout it out to the whole world."

"But you'll restrain yourself?" he asked grabbing yesterday's shirt off the floor.

"Two problems," she said, "First of all I don't want to have to answer anyone else's questions until we've answered them all ourselves."

"We need to talk," he reiterated before she could say it again.

"And secondly, everything between us has always been wrapped up in other people, I'd just kind of like for us to have something that's just about us for once."

He nodded as he finished buttoning his shirt. "Does sound like a nice change."

She stood up. "Okay, you go down first; I'll give you about a minute head start and slip by while you're distracting her."

"Should work," he said.

She kissed him as he started out the door, "I'll see you at work."

* * *

"Hello, hello!" Natalie called pushing open the door to Jessica's room. Jessica was sitting up and reading, but she closed the book when her sister walked in. She was back to wearing her own clothes rather than the hospital gown and looked so close to back to normal that it was hard for Natalie to believe that she was still suffering from a serious disorder. "How are you doing?" Natalie asked pulling up a chair.

"Better," Jessica said sounding for the first time like she actually meant it.

"Good," she said with a grin, "how'd things go with Dr. Jamison today?"

"All right," she said. "We kind of came up with a plan."

"A plan?"

"Well, for telling everyone for starters and then for proceeding with treatment. He gave me some things to read."

"So you're going to tell everyone?" Natalie asked.

"Yeah," she said softly, "Well, Antonio. He's on his way over here, actually."

"Oh, I can go then," Natalie offered.

"No, no, no, stay," Jessica said catching her hand, "If you're here talking to me it'll keep me from getting nervous."

"Okay," Natalie said settling into the chair. "So you're telling Antonio tonight, but what about Mom?"

"Not yet," Jessica said, "I know she would understand better than anyone, but that's why. It's not going to help me at all to worry over how all this is affecting her."

"Do you think that would be worse than the anxiety of hiding it from her?" Natalie asked skeptically.

"I'm going to tell her," Jessica said, "just not yet."

"Okay," Natalie said, "Well, I think telling Antonio's a good first step. He loves you so much." Natalie suddenly appeared to become very interested in the pattern of Jessica's blanket and a dreamy smile came over her face.

"So what's going on with you?" Jessica asked suspiciously.

"Me?" she asked in surprise, "Nothing. Why?"

"Well you came in in this disgustingly happy mood and now you're staring off into space and smiling. You'll be humming in a minute."

"No," Natalie stammered, "I'm just—you seem better today. Stronger. That just seems good, right?"

Jessica smiled slyly, "It is, but this has nothing to do with me." Natalie was avoiding eye contact. "This wouldn't happen to involve John McBain, would it?" Natalie's cheeks instantly turned redder than her hair, confirming her sister's suspicions. "So?" she prodded, "What happened?"

"You shouldn't be worrying about me," Natalie said finally, patting her sister on the arm, "We're supposed to be concentrating on you."

"Nice excuse," Jessica said, "but there's no reason we can't talk about you too. It makes me feel better to think about something positive. This is positive, isn't it?"

"Oh yeah," Natalie said quickly. "That it is."

"So what has you grinning so inanely?" Jessica asked smiling one of her first genuine smiles in a long time.

"I've spent the last two nights at his place," she finally admitted.

Jessica let out a girlish squeal, "You did?"

"The first night was nothing," her sister explained, "He was trying to cheer me up by showing me a bunch of bad movies and I fell asleep."

"And?" Jessica asked eagerly.

"And while he thought I was asleep, he kissed me."

"How very Prince Charming."

"Yeah," Natalie rolled her eyes and hoped she didn't sound too ridiculous. "So last night I went back to talk to him about it."

"What did he say?" Jessica asked.

Natalie blushed again. "Not much. We didn't exactly do a lot of talking."

Jessica squealed again.

"Could you keep it down?" Natalie said pretending to be more annoyed than she was, "We decided not to tell anyone."

"Well I'm your twin," Jessica said, "I'm not really 'anyone.'" Natalie smiled; it was good to just be sisters again. They'd had so little opportunity to bond like this, gossiping over boys, sharing secrets.

"So?" Jessica asked leaning forward as much as her still sore rib cage would allow.

"So?"

"How was it?"

Natalie sighed. "It was… it was… wow!"

Jessica laughed. "Oh my God! You're completely goofy for this guy!"

"I know," Natalie said sheepishly, "It's a problem."

"Doesn't sound that way."

"But last night," Natalie said, "like I said it was…"

"Wow," Jessica supplied.

"Very. But I was so determined not to rush into sex. You know, because I'd analyzed it all and decided that's what went wrong between John and Evangeline is that's what their relationship was built on. I wasn't going to let that happen."

"Okay first of all," Jessica said seriously, "What went wrong between John and Evangeline was that John was hung up on you the whole time."

"You think so?" Natalie asked uncertainly. She'd told herself that, but never quite trusted that it wasn't wishful thinking.

"Everyone does," Jessica assured her, "and as for the rushing in—Natalie, you two have been dancing around each other for the better part of two years. I don't think you can call this rushing in."

"Really?" Natalie asked, sounding totally unconvinced.

"Trust me," Jessica said. At that moment she looked up at someone walking through the door.

"Am I interrupting?" Antonio asked.

"No," Natalie said standing up, "I was just leaving. I have to go meet someone." She gave Jessica a significant look and added, "Call me if you need anything."

"You too," Jessica said, "And I want continuous updates on your situation."

"What was that about?" Antonio asked watching the door close behind Natalie.

"I think John and Natalie have finally stopped being stupid and gotten their act together."

"Really?" Antonio asked. "I talked to John the day of your accident, but I didn't think I got through anymore than I had before."

"Maybe you did," Jessica said as he sat down beside her.

"And how are you?" he asked taking her hands in his.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about," she said slowly, deliberately, "I want you to know exactly what's been going on with me."

* * *

John arrived at the diner before Natalie and went to the counter to wait for her. Carlota Vega greeted him coolly, "Can I get you something, Lieutenant?" He'd always had the impression Carlota didn't like him very much. She'd always been kind to him, as she was to everyone, but there was something in her demeanor. He suspected that at least part of her held him responsible for Christian's death. He wondered how much more she'd blame him if she knew that Christian was still alive. 

"Just a cup of coffee," he said glancing towards the door. He wasn't sure if Natalie's arrival would ease or raise the tension level. Carlota had made it clear she didn't like the idea of him and Natalie. Or more to the point didn't trust it. Didn't trust him. Smart woman. He didn't blame her; she was just being protective of Natalie, something he certainly understood.

Natalie came in as Carlota was filling his coffee cup. She grinned as she walked over to him. "Hello," she said. As far as he knew Natalie still wanted to keep what had happened between them a secret, but he didn't see that happening. Something in the look on her face, the way she stood so close to him without touching him; it revealed an intimacy he didn't think many people would miss. The warning look he received from Carlota helped him fight the urge to kiss her.

"Should we get a table?" she asked.

"Actually," he said gulping down his coffee a little faster than he should have, "we're not staying."

"We're not?" she asked as he dug in his wallet for a couple dollars to pay for the coffee.

He shook his head, "There's somewhere else we need to go real quick." She gave him a wary look but allowed him to lead her out of the diner.

The firing range was empty. Natalie looked around in confusion. "Please tell me this isn't your idea of a romantic spot," she said.

"This is where I come to think," he said handing her a pair of ear protectors. She put them on as he did the same. Then in a lightening movement he raised his gun and emptied it at the target in front of him. The shots made a tight group of holes on the head of the figure outlined on it.

"Um… if you're trying to impress me there's no need," Natalie said. "I've seen you in action, remember."

"I'm not," he said taking off the ear protectors. "I'm just… I'm trying to explain. I'm not that good with words." For once Natalie did not interrupt him but looked into his eyes intently, trying to guess his meaning. "I come here to think because it helps me clear my head. And because I have to make sure that whatever is going on in my life isn't distracting me too much. I have to stay in control because if I don't someone could get killed."

"Well if there's anything you're good at it's self control," Natalie said.

"No, I'm not," he said. "Not when it comes to you." He could tell by her expression she didn't believe him, which could only mean she didn't understand.

"You get into my head and I can't clear you out. I can't think rationally. It's like… it's like being drunk," he said. "I know what's going on around me and I know I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing, but I can't stop myself. And it scares me because I don't know what's going to happen."

"Does that have to be a bad thing?" she asked, tilting her head to one side.

"I don't know," he said truthfully, staring into her eyes. "I just feel like this might be the stupidest think I've ever done."

"Thanks a lot," she crossing her arms and taking a step back.

"Not… not for me," he explained, "for you. I'm so scared something's going to happen to you and it's going to be my fault. I'm so afraid of hurting you and you don't deserve that-"

"Do I deserve to be happy?" she asked.

"More than a lot of people I know," he said brushing a strand of hair out of her face.

"Well I can't be happy without you," she said. "And right now the thing that would hurt me the most would be for you to walk away. And maybe… maybe if we can figure out everything between us and just stop all the… the craziness maybe that will help keep me from disrupting your focus."

"Maybe," he said closing the distance between them so that it was almost nonexistent.

"I promise to stop you if I see you doing anything stupid," she promised.

"Is this stupid?" he said kissing her.

"Stupid would be not keeping that up," she said kissing him back. Was this stupid or was it just wrong? It didn't matter, just as he said, he couldn't control himself.

The kiss deepened and Natalie's breath quickened. She felt drunk herself, but she wanted more. The grey walls of the firing range blurred out of her vision and she was aware only of the caress of his lips, his tongue swirling in her mouth, his hands sliding up the back of her shirt. And then, suddenly, the sound of someone across the room clearing his throat.

"I think this room is taken," a second voice said. She knew that voice. Damn it, Rex! He had really annoying timing.

Natalie and John parted enough to turn and see Rex standing at the entrance to the room with Bo. Because, of course, being caught by her brother was not enough, the universe had to add her uncle and John's boss into the mix.

"What are you doing here?" Natalie stammered glaring at Rex.

He shrugged, "I'd ask you the same question, but it was kind of obvious."

"I've been giving your brother some anger management lessons," Bo said cryptically.

"We were just leaving," John said.

Bo nodded, giving them both a stern look which did not quite hide his amusement, "Probably a good idea."

John took Natalie by the hand and led her out of the room as both of them tried to avoid eye contact with the interlopers. When they were safely out in the hallway Natalie looked up at John. He looked back at her guiltily, a laugh playing behind his eyes. She giggled. "Out of control," he whispered.

To be continued. Of course.


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Note: First off, I'm not so great with all this mushy stuff, so if your computer gets clogged with saccharine or cheese or something, I apologize.

Secondly, I was raised on telenovelas (Spanish language soaps) on an equal basis with American ones, and since they don't run for a limited time not years and years they have a tendency to just skip the boring parts and jump ahead to the next interesting thing. This is all by way of warning you that the story's about to start making some jumps forward in time.

* * *

Natalie awoke to the feel of John's hand caressing her hair. She opened her eyes to find his face inches from hers, the morning sun splashing over their bodies. "Good morning," she murmured languidly. They'd been together just two weeks, but she felt incredibly natural waking up next to him. As though she could hardly remember waking up without him. He kissed her softly. "Time to get up?" she asked. 

"Unfortunately," he said without moving.

She couldn't convince herself to get up either. Instead she wrapped a hand around his head an kissed him back, a little more deeply than he had kissed her. She hooked a leg around his to pull him closer as he caressed the soft skin at the base of her ribcage.

The kiss was suddenly interrupted by a banging on the door. They pulled away simultaneously and gave each other a questioning look. "Ignore it," he said pulling her back to him.

The banging continued. "Open up McBain, I know you're in there!"

"Roxy," Natalie whispered. John rolled his eyes in response. "What does she want?"

"Is today Wednesday?" he asked.

"Thursday," she said.

He sighed. "I'm late on rent."

"I have a key, Johnny," Roxy called. "You don't open up and hand me a check right now and I'm coming in."

John jumped up and grabbed a pair of pants. "Coming," he called.

"I'll hide," Natalie volunteered. There was really no reason for hiding their relationship; things were going well between the two of them. Jessica, Bo, and Rex already knew. It was remarkable that with Rex knowing the whole town didn't know already, but he'd managed to keep quiet. And part of Natalie enjoyed having a secret that the rest of Llanview didn't know. And a big part of her didn't want to deal with Roxy's lewd comments about the whole thing. So she decided to avoid it for a little while longer. She tried to roll over and swing her legs to the floor, but her legs tangled in the sheets and she fell in a heap to the ground. "Ow!" she giggled.

"You okay?" John mouthed.

She nodded and waived him to the door. She tried to stifle her laughter and hoped she was out of sight. John opened the door, trying to look collected. Roxy looked him up and down suspiciously. "Don't think I won't evict you just 'cause you look so good half dressed."

"I have your check right here," he said grabbing the check book off the slot machine where he'd left it and hurriedly filling out the check.

"Late fee's an extra ten percent," she said.

"You're kidding," he said looking up at her.

"I don't joke about money," she assured him.

He signed the check and handed it to her. She didn't move. "Anything else?" he asked.

"Yeah," she said folding the check and sticking it in her cleavage, "You can tell Natty to come out from under the bed or the bathroom or wherever you have her stashed."

He tried to look at her blankly. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure you don't," she said, "You can also tell her that shirt's gonna get wrinkled lying there like that." She indicated Natalie's top which had been tossed on the ground the night before.

"Goodbye, Roxy," he said moving to close the door.

"And just so we're clear," she said, "sleeping with my daughter don't get you a rent break either."

He shut the door with her and turned back to Natalie who had sat up and was looking back at him with an expression of amused embarrassment. She rubbed her hip. "Ow," she said again.

"You all right?" he said helping her up.

"Yeah," she said, "just feeling a bit like a fifteen year old whose mother just caught her making out in the driveway."

"You think Rex told her?" John asked handing her the incriminating top.

She shook her head, "I just think we haven't been as secretive as we thought we were."

"You're not exactly great at hiding how you feel," he pointed out.

"Yeah," she said slipping on her skirt, "I kinda left you to do the heavy lifting where that's concerned."

"You okay with everyone knowing about us?" he asked cautiously. He hadn't quite understood why she'd wanted to keep it a secret in the first place.

"I am," she said smiling at him, "I am ready to start bragging I think."

"I'm worth bragging about now?" he asked.

"Uh huh," she said, pulling her hair back quickly. "Oh, Jessica's getting out of the hospital today," she added.

"That's good," he said.

"Yeah, and Mom's leaving for England tomorrow to go see Joey and Dad, so we're having a combination "Welcome Home"/"Bon Voyage" dinner tonight."

"That's fine," he said, "I understand you want to spend time with them. I can give you up for one night."

"Actually, I was wondering if you wanted to come along," she said cautiously.

"I don't want to intrude," he said.

"Please," she said, "you won't be. You'll be saving me from being the only one without a date. Antonio will be there. And Adriana will probably be there with Duke if he manages to make it out of the office. And Kelly will be there with Kevin-"

"I thought they were divorced," John asked, confused by the last pairing.

Natalie shook her head indicating she didn't quite grasp it either. "They were. They are. They're also acting like a couple of teenagers."

"Like us?"

"Worse," she said, "my mom apparently walked in on them making out on her couch the other day. It's very bizarre. Anyway, the point is, you won't be intruding."

"You're sure?" he asked.

"Yeah I'm sure," she said, "but no pressure. I mean if you don't want to, I totally understand. We're a lot to take, my family."

"I'll come," he assured her. "Am I gonna get a bunch of that Buchanan/Texan, 'mess with our girl and we'll put you down like a rabid dog' stuff."

"Possibly," she admitted, "but if Kelly and Adriana are there, Asa will be plenty distracted; I mean two Cramers, that's like something out of a nightmare for him. And the only other one likely to say something that stupid is Rex and as he's neither a Buchanan nor a Texan so he won't be there. You're getting off easy truth be told."

"Yeah, Rex has been quiet on the subject so far," he said, "I'm kind of surprised actually."

"I'm kind of nervous," she said, "When Rex is quiet he's usually up to something."

"Well whoever wants to warn me or threaten me or whatever, I can handle it," he said smiling that smile which was small but full of so much tenderness that it gave her a slight flutter in her chest every time she saw it.

"Thank you," she said, then wrapping her arms around his neck added, "I'm so lucky to have you."

"We'll see if you're still saying that a couple months from now," he said, trying to make it sound like a joke.

She took it that way and laughed before kissing him. It wasn't really. Sooner or later she had to get wise. Even if she didn't find out about Cristian, eventually she was going to realize how much better she deserved.

"Well, I guess I don't have to bother with creeping out anymore," she said grabbing her purse.

"Just when we were getting so good at it too," he said opening the door for her.

"See you at work then," she said stepping past him. Before she could walk away he pulled her back and kissed her one more time. As she turned to leave she stopped short.

"Hi Michael," she said, a hint of discomfort in her voice.

Michael McBain had rounded the corner just in time to see their good-bye. "Morning," he said, trying to sound chipper. Why shouldn't he? Why should it bother him to see his brother and Natalie together? It was hardly a surprise.

"Can we help you with something, Mikey," John said when Michael didn't continue down the hall.

Michael shook himself to his senses. "Nah," he said, "I mean I was about to tell you two to get a room but…" he motioned to the room that they already had.

Natalie noticed the hint of bitterness in his words, the trace of hurt in his expression; she just hoped John didn't. Or discounted them as general crankiness; it wasn't out of the question. Deciding the best course of action was to end the situation as soon as possible she turned back to John and said, "Bye." She hurried down the hall, hoping that these encounters with Michael were going to get less awkward eventually.

* * *

The Buchanan family dinner was much less threatening than it could have been. The attention was rightly focused on Jessica and Viki, so John and Natalie were spared any questions regarding their situation. They did receive a few curious glances when they arrived together from the members of the family who hadn't already figured them out. Only at the end of the evening did John receive anything near the anticipated threats from the family. 

Natalie had stopped by the restroom on the way out and John found himself waiting with Kevin Buchanan who was waiting on Kelly. John shuffled around, his hands in his pockets, trying to think of reasons to avoid eye contact. Kevin finally said, "So this is the part where I tell you to be good to my sister. Grandpa would probably throw in something about how he's successfully used the 'he needed killin' defense a couple times and wouldn't mind doing it again."

"You don't need to tell me to be good to Natalie," John said.

"I know," Kevin said, "and I'm hardly in a position to be lecturing anyone on mistreating women. You two have been through a lot together already, so I'm just going wish you well."

"Thanks," John said, "It means a lot."

"Natalie deserves it," Kevin added, "especially after everything that happened with Cristian."

And there it was all of a sudden. The reminder of exactly why he didn't deserve to be with Natalie and how he was bound to hurt her sooner or later. Natalie emerged from the ladies' room a moment later and smiled at him, "Ready to go?"

John said nothing on the walk out to the car or the ride back to his place. Natalie noticed the change in his mood and demeanor, but couldn't figure out the reason for it. "Something wrong?" she asked.

"No," he said with no further explanation. Not that it was uncharacteristic for John to not say things or not explain things. It was irritating, but normal.

When they walked back into his room she realized he was also avoiding eye contact. "Did Kevin say something to you?" she asked. "I saw you two talking when I came out of the bathroom."

"No," he said sitting down on the bed and trying to pretend that he was tired, not brooding.

"If he did, tell me and I'll set him straight," she said.

"All he said was to be good to you," he said.

"Then what's set you brooding this time?" she asked. "Is it something that I did?"

He looked up at her. "No," he said truthfully, "you haven't done anything. I swear."

"Well then what is it? Is it just my family? I know they're overwhelming-"

"Natalie-" he tried to interrupt her but she continued.

"I mean this is why Cristian and I always tried to duck out on big family functions, you know."

"I'm not Cristian," he snapped. He would have regretted it anyway, but the look on Natalie's face made him want to slam his head into a wall for putting it there. She looked as though she'd been slapped.

She stared at him for a moment then finally said very slowly. "Thank you, John. I'd noticed that."

"I- I didn't mean for it to come out like that," he stammered.

"You usually don't," she said quietly, her arms crossed over her chest as she stood across the room. "You think I don't realize that you're not Cristian? Am I somehow trying to force you into being him?"

"No," he said standing up and crossing to her, "but sometimes I wonder if you know what you're in for. Being with me versus being with someone like Cris."

"I don't," she said, "but I'm willing to wait and find out. If you'll let me."

He didn't say anything, but brushed her cheek with the side of his index finger, hoping to get her posture to relax, to soften somehow. It didn't work; instead she continued. "John, Cristian would be happy for us. He would want us to be together if he knew how much we cared about each other."

"None of us can really know that for sure," he said.

"I do," she said, "I knew him better than anyone. You know when he was with Jen he let her believe he hated her rather than tell let her be in danger. That's how he was. He would want me to be with you and happy rather than alone and miserable."

"What about with me and miserable?" he asked softly.

"Stop it," she said. "Stop trying to create problems before we even have them."

"I'm sorry," he said, pacing, trying to formulate either an apology or and explanation.

"You know, John," she said, "I can understand why I would have some Cristian issues. And I can understand why you would have some Kaitlyn issues. But I don't understand why the biggest obstacle we have is _your_ Cristian issues."

"Look it's late," he said running his hand through his hair, "can't we talk about this tomorrow?"

She looked at him for a moment, clearly unhappy with this suggestion, but nodded nonetheless. "Okay," she said, grabbing her purse.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm okay with us discussing this tomorrow when you're feeling better rested," she said, "but I'm not about to crawl into your bed in the meantime. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Natalie wait!" he called as she opened the door. She slammed it behind her without turning.

He fought the urge to break something. There really wasn't much to break anyway. "I don't know," he said to the air, as if somehow the message would reach all the way to Statesville, "what _do_ you want us to do?"

To be continued.


	9. Chapter 9

Author's note: Um yeah… still own nothing. Thanks to everyone for the feedback so far.

* * *

Jessica Buchanan walked into the sedate dining room at the Palace Hotel. Part of her had worried that Tess would reemerge the moment she left Antonio's loft that morning. Since leaving the hospital a few weeks ago she hadn't trusted herself alone. Antonio had been understanding, of course, he didn't want Tess coming out any more than she did. And as long as Antonio was at her side she could keep Tess at bay. But she also realized that she couldn't go through life afraid to be alone; things had to change. She had convinced Antonio to let her meet with Natalie alone this morning. Natalie knew about Tess and would realize if anything went wrong. Hopefully. Jessica prayed this wasn't a mistake. 

Natalie was already seated at a table with her eyes shut, massaging her temples. "Headache?" Jessica asked sitting down across from her.

Natalie grumbled something incomprehensible in reply that sounded affirmative.

"John?" Jessica prodded.

"Caffeine withdrawal, I think," Natalie said. "Although John's been causing me plenty of headaches lately."

"Uh oh," Jessica said, "what happened?"

Natalie shook her head. "Nothing," she said, "nothing in particular. He's just being John. I mean most of the time he's wonderful and caring and funny, but he's upset about something and won't tell me what it is. And he's got this thing about Cristian…"

They paused as a waiter came to take their orders, but when he was gone Jessica suggested, "You think John still feels guilty somehow over Cristian's death?"

"I don't know," Natalie said, "Maybe. He won't talk about it and then I just get mad and…" She buried her face in her hands in a gesture that was a mix of irritation at John and pain from her head.

"I would imagine caffeine withdrawals aren't helping that," Jessica said, "Can I ask why you gave up caffeine?"

"It's not voluntary," Natalie groaned, "trust me. It's just for some reason the last couple days I can't drink coffee—it churns my stomach. I can't even smell it without feeling nauseous. It sucks."

"I would imagine that's not putting you in a mood to confront these issues with John," Jessica said sympathetically.

"I just wish I knew what was going on," Natalie said weekly, "with him and my stomach. Am I allergic to coffee all of a sudden? Can that happen? If so can you kill me, please?"

Jessica smiled. "Not a chance." After a moment she suggested quietly, "Are you PMSing? Sometimes around my period my stomach gets really sensitive."

Natalie thought for a moment. "I could be. Honestly, I have no idea; I'm so irregular."

Jessica's brow furrowed, "Sounds like it could be something wrong with your birth control if it's not regulating your hormones better-"

"There _was_ something wrong with my birth control," she said with half a laugh, "I never remembered to take it and so it was constantly all messed up. So I went off it after everything that happened with… you know, that man who pretended to be Cristian. There wasn't any real reason for it at that point anyway and-" Suddenly Jessica's uneasy expression and the reason for it registered in Natalie's mind. "No," she said firmly.

"It's just the only time I really had strange problems with normal foods was when I was-"

"I'm not pregnant," Natalie said, though a note of panic was rising in her voice.

"Probably not," Jessica agreed, "but are you sure?"

Natalie stared at her for a moment. "No, I'm not," she said. "What am I saying? Of course, I'm pregnant. There's some kind of cosmic law that John and I have to have every complication possible inour relationship, so this is just what we need right now."

"All right calm down, Natalie," Jessica said in a tone just above a whisper. "You don't know anything at all yet. It's way too soon for you to start panicking."

"What am I going to do?" Natalie asked her voice cracking.

"Well for starters," Jessica explained, "you have to find out whether you are or not. And I would suggest just getting it over with; there's no sense in agonizing over it if you're not. If you are… then you'll talk to John, and it probably won't be nearly as bad as you think it will."

"It's so ridiculous," Natalie said staring into her water goblet, "but you have no idea how much the idea of walking into a drug store and buying a test terrifies me right now."

"I do know," Jessica said, "I've been there, remember?"

"I'm sorry, Jessica," Natalie said taking a deep breath, "I didn't even think about Megan."

"I'll tell you what," Jessica said taking Natalie's hand, "I'll go to the drug store after this. You come by the loft on your lunch break, and you can take it there. I'll send Antonio out to pick up some take out so he won't be around."

"You don't have to do that," Natalie said.

"I know," Jessica said, "but let me do it anyway. In the meantime, I think you need to talk to John. This is probably nothing, but it's a good excuse for you two to work out whatever the problem is between you."

"Have I told you lately that you're the best long lost twin sister a girl could have?" Natalie asked wiping the tears which had started to form at the corners of her eyes.

"Well it works both ways," Jessica said. There was a hint of sadness in her words which Natalie realized indicated she was thinking of something else.

The waiter arrived with their food allowing Natalie a moment to compose herself. This was not made easier by her stomach which started churning the minute she looked at the food. She told herself it was nerves and not something else. "So how have you been?"

"Better everyday," Jessica said, "but there's something I need to tell you.'

"What?" Natalie felt herself growing anxious all over again, but now over Jessica rather than herself.

"The timing sucks," Jessica said smiling wryly at her sister.

"How so?"

"I'm leaving town for a while," she said finally.

"When?" Natalie asked. "Where are you going?"

"Two days from now," Jessica said. "I'm going to Switzerland, to the same clinic Mom went to when she…"

"I don't understand," Natalie said, her food, nausea and own concerns totally forgotten. "You said you were getting better."

"I feel like I am," Jessica explained, "but at the same time I'm terrified to even be in the room by myself for fear Tess will come out. I don't want the rest of my life to be like that. I'm hoping they'll be able to help me get rid of Tess completely, and then I can get on with the rest of my life."

"And you have to leave now?" Natalie asked. She knew she shouldn't begrudge her sister this; the most important thing was Jessica's health. But she wasn't ready for her to be on the other side of the Atlantic.

"They have space for me now, but they won't hold it. Antonio's flying with me and then coming back."

"What about Mom," Natalie said, "can't you at least wait until she gets back? It would only be a couple of days. She needs to know about this Jess."

"I already talked to Mom," Jessica said, "I told her I was going to Europe, but not why. I have a long layover in England; she's going to meet me and I'll tell her then."

"Well there's a big part of me that doesn't want you to leave," Natalie said surprising herself by tearing up again, "but you do need to take care of yourself. Just get better soon, okay? I'm going to miss you."

* * *

Jessica tried to concentrate on the feel of the floor under her feet as she stood in line. Anything to keep herself grounded. Tess hadn't made an appearance yet, but she was worried about the extra time unsupervised that this stop at the drugstore had necessitated. She'd called Antonio and told him she was making an extra stop but shouldn't be long; if anything happened, at least she knew he'd come looking for her. She fiddled with the box in her hand. She hadn't told Natalie what she hadn't told Antonio either—that when she was in the hospital she'd requested that they run a pregnancy test on her as well as tests for STDs. The fact that all the tests were negative was shear luck she suspected; she didn't think she could count on Tess to have been vigilant about birth control or protection. 

"Jessica?"

Jessica dropped her arms to her side in an attempt to conceal the box she was holding without making it obvious that she was doing so. "Carlota!" she said, "Hi!"

"I just heard from Antonio that you're leaving the country," the older woman said.

"Yes," Jessica said, "Just for a while. I need to get away for a little bit."

"Is everything okay?" Carlota asked with concern so genuine that Jessica wanted suddenly to confess everything that was really going on. Instead she just shook her head. Carlota looked uneasy. "Look, Jessica, I could pretend I don't know what you're holding, but-"

"Oh," she said looking at the box in her hand, "it's… not for me. I know that sounds like the most trite lie ever, but it's true. A friend of mine… she's kind of in a crisis right now, I'm just trying to help her out."

"Ah," Carlota said. Jessica couldn't tell whether she believed her or not, but she definitely seemed to sense that there was more to the story. "Antonio is a wonderful father," she added, "but there's an order to do those things in."

"Absolutely," Jessica said, "no, unless there's someone I don't know about, you're not going to be a grandmother again any time soon."

A distant look Jessica recognized all too well crossed Carlota's eyes. "You know, I would have said by now that Natalie and Cristian… well, it just wasn't meant to be." Jessica prayed that Carlota didn't notice that she winced at the mention of Natalie's name.

"Anyway," Carlota said as Jessica arrived at the head of the line, "Promise you'll come see me before you leave."

"I promise," Jessica said giving a hug to Antonio's mother and wishing she wasn't hiding so much from her.

* * *

Natalie paced uneasily around her desk trying to muster the courage to talk to John. She wasn't going to tell him, not until she knew for sure, but Jessica was right about clearing things up between them. Somehow, Natalie felt this would be easier to do before they dealt with the possibility of pregnancy. Finally she grabbed a couple of files to use as a flimsy excuse and walked to his office. She could here laughter from the hallway and someone in there talking to him, but she couldn't tell who. John replied to her knock with a generic, "Yeah." 

So she was shocked to walk in and discover him chatting and laughing with Evangeline Williamson. "What's up?" he asked seeing it was her. That was all. No acknowledgment of the fact that she was not merely a receptionist. No hint of guilt for being caught having a good time with his ex-lover. Evangeline understood the problem and somehow it was all the more upsetting that the expression on her face was a mixture of guilt and pity. If she'd been gloating Natalie could have just been angry; it would have been easier. And less embarrassing.

Natalie suspected that she was turning red and decided that the best way to handle the situation was to escape as quickly as possible. "Sorry," she stammered, "I brought you these." She dropped the folders on his desk and spun to leave the room without looking at John again. She heard him get up to follow her, but didn't turn to see.

He caught up with her in the hallway. "I can explain," he said in all to patronizing a tone.

"Can you?" she put a hand on her hip trying to look saucy rather than on the verge of tears. "Can you explain why it's okay for you to flip out every time I mention my dead husband but you can sit around laughing it up with your ex-girlfriend?"

"It was about a case," he said.

"Seemed to be a very funny one," she said. The nausea was back suddenly, though it probably had more to do with her emotions at the moment.

"It is, actually," he said, "I'll show you the files if you want."

"Never mind," she said turning away even more sharply than before. Truth be told probably a bit too sharply because that's when she felt the ground lurch beneath her feet. Head swimming she managed forward a few more steps until she could grab a hold of the edge of the filing cabinet. She heard him calling her name through the haze and once more just before his arms caught her. She looked into his eyes, so full of genuine concern…

And in an instant she realized two things: First--that she was definitely pregnant; no need to bother with the test. Second--that she and John were definitely not ready for this.

He was talking to her, asking her if she was okay.

"I'm fine," she said trying to shrug away his hands.

"For a second there you looked like you were gonna pass out." She sat down on the edge of her desk but he didn't take his hands off her shoulders; his eyes still sought hers which she could feel filling with tears.

"I just haven't eaten much today," she said.

"Well sit down," he commanded, "I'll find you something to eat. There have to be donuts around here somewhere."

"Don't," she said weakly.

"Seriously," he continued, "don't do that to me. You scared me."

"John," she pleaded more than said. A tear ran down her cheek and suddenly he seemed to realize the problem wasn't her blood sugar. "Why do you do this to me?" she whispered.

"What are you talking about?" he asked wiping the tear away.

"Why are you so sweet and supportive and understanding whenever anything's wrong?" she asked.

"That's a bad thing?" he asked in confusion.

"Just because you're not all the times between." He studied her face. She knew there was nothing about her appearance that would tell him what was wrong, but some illogical part of her worried he would know somehow, just by looking at her. He definitely knew she was hiding something.

"It sounds like there's something we need to talk about," he said finally.

"There is," she nodded, "but not right now. I have to go meet Jessica."

"I thought you two were doing breakfast."

"It's a long story," she said, "but we're doing lunch now."

"Okay," he said, "we'll talk later. Take care."

She nodded and tried to hold back the rest of the tears as he kissed her lightly.

* * *

She walked hesitantly into Ultraviolet knowing it was probably not where she should be. But she needed to talk to Rex; he was the only one she could go to. Jessica had been supportive and let her cry herself dry when the test came back positive twice (Jessica had bought two, just in case the first result was wrong), but Jessica had bigger problems to deal with. Rex was behind the bar and looked busy; he caught sight of her and nodded. "Hey Natty, be with you in a sec." She climbed onto a stool to wait. The pounding music was aggravating her headache again and she let her head fall into her hands with a palm over each eye. It seemed to help somewhat. 

She recognized the designer cologne before the woman beside her spoke. "I used to call those John McBain headaches." She raised her head to see Evangeline sitting on the next stool staring at the wall of liquor bottles, avoiding eye contact.

"Evangeline, I really don't want to get into this tonight," she groaned.

"Neither do I," Evangeline said taking a sip of her drink, "I just wanted to make sure you know that it really was just a business meeting you walked in on today."

"I know," Natalie said, hoping that agreeing would end the conversation.

"The truth is," she continued, "I don't like having to meet with John any more than you like me having to meet with him, but it's something we're going to have to live with."

Natalie's phone rang. She looked at it—John again. It was the second time he'd called and for the second time she didn't answer. Evangeline had clearly seen the caller ID screen but she looked away as soon as she realized Natalie had noticed her. Evangeline seemed uncomfortable with the situation, but she didn't seem to have an ulterior motive. Honestly, Natalie wished she'd be bitchier about the whole situation; it would give Natalie an excuse to fight back. Fighting with Evangeline she was good at; her current situation she had no idea how to handle.

"Believe me," Natalie said still staring at the phone, "Right now you are the least of my worries."

"Ah," Evangeline said, "so this is just about John being John."

Natalie didn't answer; she couldn't. If she'd said anything it would have come out screaming angry 'You don't know John like I do! You don't know anything about John and me! You're just bitter because he chose me over you!' And that wasn't what needed to be said. It wasn't even completely accurate.

"A little free advice from someone with experience," Evangeline said, "don't try to play games with him, make him work to get a hold of you because you're angry and you want to punish him. It won't work and it'll only create a bigger gap between you."

"That's not what's going on," she finally managed.

"Good," Evangeline said, "but-"

"Okay, Nat," Rex jumped in, "What can I get for you?"

"Nothing," she said.

"On the house," he promised.

"No, I'm fine," she said, "I just need to talk to you about something, but I can see you're busy… I should go." She slipped off the stool.

"No, no, no!" Rex said quickly, "Wait. Ever since you and McBain got together you never have time for your baby bro. You can't come in and just run out. I can take a little time out to chat with my big sister, even if she doesn't have time for me. So what's up?"

"Um… I'd rather not talk here," she said.

He looked around. "Okay, give me five minutes and we'll go outside. Let me get you a drink in the meantime."

"Just ginger ale," she said firmly. He gave her a look for her strange selection, but didn't say anything else.

A few minutes later they stepped into the alley behind the club. It was hardly the ideal place for a conversation, but it was more quiet and more private than inside Ultraviolet. Natalie shuffled her feet against the asphalt realizing that while she'd wanted so desperately to talk to Rex she had no idea how to broach the subject. Fortunately Rex couldn't stand the silence very long and broke it for her.

"So when'd you give up drinking?"

"Same time as I gave up caffeine," she said.

Rex looked at her in growing confusion. "Okay, I'd blame this that cop of yours, but I've seen myself that he doesn't have a problem with alcohol or coffee, so what brought this on?"

Natalie looked at him, struggling for the strength to just say it. Why was this so hard? And if she was having this much trouble telling Rex, how was she ever going to tell John? Rex's impatience saved her the trouble yet again.

"I mean what are you pregnant or something?" He realized he was right immediately. "Oh my God! Natty! When did you find out?"

"Today," she said crossing her arms tightly over her chest, hugging herself.

"Have you told him yet?

She shook her head. "I was going to talk to him today, I wasn't sure yet, but I wanted to talk to him. Instead we just had another fight and…" Her eyes filled with tears as she trailed off.

"How did this happen?" Rex asked.

She looked at him sideways. "Didn't they do the whole sex-ed talk in Michigan?"

"Yeah," he admitted, "I'm not talking about the mechanics of it I'm just saying… didn't you use protection?"

"They should have also told you in that talk that protection isn't one hundred percent," she grumbled. "I can't believe I'm having this conversation with my brother!"

"Yeah, me neither," he said shifting his weight uneasily, "so what are you going to do?"

"I don't know," she said, "I just keep hoping I'll wake up tomorrow and find out it was all a dream."

Rex didn't quite seem comfortable with this line of conversation, but continued anyway. "Well, you know, you have options nowadays. I mean you could-"

"Throw my baby away like Mitch Lawrence did with me," she supplied. They didn't ever talk about Mitch, what he had done to her and Jessica as infants. It was an irony Rex tried not to think about that if it hadn't been for that man he'd never have had Natalie for a sister.

"It's not the same Natalie," he said gently.

She was trembling now, "It is. For me it is."

"Okay," Rex said. "So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know, I'm just- I'm so not prepared for this." Suddenly she sobbed, "Look at me, I'm a mess. I'm going to be a terrible mother!"

"Hey," he said putting a hand on each shoulder, "That's not true."

"Yes, it is," she insisted, "I screw everything up, I can't even get my own life together, I-"

"And when you were still a kid yourself you were a better mother to me than anyone else ever was," he said. "And if you could take care of me then, under those circumstances, you're going to be just fine now."

Tears were streaming down her face now and she shook her head, "I don't know, Rex."

"Well I do," he said. "And McBain gets on my nerves and all, but he's a stand up guy."

"Who's only been with me for like a month," Natalie said, "We're not ready for this, there's so much we need to work through first."

"What do you mean?" he asked, "I thought things were pretty fabulous with you two."

"Sometimes," she said pulling a tissue from her purse, "And sometimes he just starts brooding out of the blue and he totally shuts me out."

"What's he brooding over?"

"I'd love to know," she said, "but he shuts down and then I get mad and doors get slammed and-"

"If you're talking about slamming doors this must have something to do with my brother," Michael McBain said approaching them.

"Michael!" Natalie said trying to compose herself, "what are you doing here?" Shit. Michael. One complication that she hadn't quite let herself think of yet.

"I was walking into the club and I heard someone crying," he said walking closer, "I realized it was you and I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"She's fine," Rex said stepping protectively between them.

"What did my good for nothing brother do now?" he asked looking past him to Natalie.

"Um… nothing, nothing," Natalie reassured him. "We're fine this is actually… a family thing."

"Oh," Michael said, clearly aware she wasn't telling the whole truth, "well, I'll leave you two alone then. See you inside maybe?"

"Maybe," Natalie echoed. As he walked away she tried to mentally flip through a calendar, hoping to reassure herself that she hadn't just discovered another major problem for her and John and the baby.

To be continued.

* * *

Author's note pt 2: So a friend of mine has a list of fanfiction tropes (plot elements we seem determined to use as frequently as possible). #1 is Major Character gets drunk and #2 is Major Character gets pregnant. I promise I'm not working down the list. #12 which is Prom Wear will not get included in this fic, I promise! 


	10. Chapter 10

Author's note: Wow! You're still reading!

* * *

John stood for a minute watching Natalie pretend she was so absorbed in her work that she didn't notice him. She wasn't very convincing, but he was much more interested as to why she was ignoring him. It wasn't like Natalie to not want to talk—he was the one who avoided talking, not her. Yet she'd inexplicably failed to return from lunch the day before and ignored three calls to her cell phone. The only time Natalie was quiet about anything was when she was actively hiding something, so what was it? 

Deciding finally that this was not the place to make a scene trying to drag it out of her, he walked back to his own office. It was already occupied by Rex Balsom who was once again sitting at his desk flipping through papers.

"I need to put a better lock on that door," John said. "What the hell are you doing in here?"

"Waiting for you," Rex said swinging his legs off the desk and putting the papers down.

"I'm almost afraid to ask," John said, "but why?"

Rex clucked his tongue in a scolding manner, "How many times are we gonna have to have this conversation?"

"What conversation would that be?" John said checking through the papers to make sure they weren't anything important.

"The one where I tell you not to mess with my sister's head."

"I'm not trying to do that," John assured him.

"Bullshit," Rex said crossing his arms defiantly.

"You know, Rex," John said getting irritated with the conversation more quickly than usual, "When did this become your business anyway?"

"Oh I don't know," Rex said cocking his head to one side, "probably around the time you knocked up my sister and then retreated to the privacy of your own head."

"What?" John asked dropping a file folder. Rex stared at him for a moment and realized that she hadn't told him. And in the same instant John realized what Natalie had been hiding and why she'd been acting strangely.

"Nothing," Rex stammered. John was already pushing past him on his way out the door.

Natalie was standing at the filing cabinet when she saw John storming towards her with Rex at his heels. "What's going on?" she asked.

"Natty," Rex said quickly, "you can _not_ be mad at me!"

"Why would I-?" Natalie looked at John. "Oh no," she whispered.

"Is it true?" he demanded.

"Rex, I'm going to kill you," she said gripping the open file drawer.

"How was I supposed to know?" Rex protested.

"Is it true?" John repeated a little more loudly.

"Yes," she said sharply and more loudly than she'd intended.

"Why did I have to find this out from him?" he motioned to Rex with a toss of his head.

"Because he has a big mouth," she replied, punching Rex hard in the upper arm.

"Ow!" Rex exclaimed.

"Just out of curiousity," John said, "When _were_ you planning on telling me?"

"I came to talk to you yesterday," she said, finding herself rather angry at his indignation, "You were busy meeting with Evangeline."

"He was meeting with _who_?" Rex asked sounding more irritated about the situation than Natalie.

"I said we'd talk later," he said, "I called you three times last night, you didn't answer."

"What's going on here?" Bo Buchanan asked stepping out of his office. Natalie, John and Rex all looked at each other, not realizing how loud they'd been. No one answered him.

"You want to maybe move this conversation, whatever it is, elsewhere?" Bo said pointedly to John.

John nodded and took Natalie by the arm, half leading her half dragging her to his office. Rex, showing an unusual amount of discretion, stayed behind. Once the door had closed behind them they stared at each other for a moment before either spoke again.

"I found out yesterday," she explained, "I haven't even been to the doctor yet. It's not like I've been keeping it a secret from you."

No, of course she hadn't. He was the one who kept secrets. "You're sure about this?" he asked softly.

"I took two tests, just in case," she said, "but even without that, yeah, I'm sure."

"That's where you went yesterday," he said as the data started to coalesce, "when you said you were with Jessica."

"I was," she said, "she was the one who figured it out."

"I don't understand," he said running a hand through his hair, "how did this-?"

"It's my fault," she said crossing her arms, closing herself off from him, "I'm not on any kind of birth control. I should have said something, I just didn't think." Biting her lip and casting her eyes to the floor she added quietly, "I am so stupid!"

"But we used protection," John insisted.

She held up her hands as if to stop him, "Could we not have the 'After School Special' conversation? Please. We're not kids, we know better."

"I'm sorry," he said moving a little closer to her, "this is just a lot to process. So… what are we going to do?"

"I'm keeping it," she said quickly, sharply, as though she expected him to argue the point. "I'm not going to try to force you into anything John."

"Okay," he said, still trying to wrap his brain around what was happening, "well… do you want to get married?"

To his surprise she suddenly gave him a look of complete exasperation, "No!"

"Um… can I ask why?"

"Because John," she walked past him so that she could lean against the desk, "neither one of us thought we were anywhere near ready for marriage before this. The baby doesn't really change that. To just get married because of the baby…"

"I guess you're right," he said.

"On top of that," she added, "in none of my childhood fantasies was I ever wearing a basketball under my wedding dress. And just for the record, for future reference, John, no girl ever wants to be proposed to with the words, 'Okay, well do you want to get married.'"

He put a hand on her shoulder, "I'm kind of handling this all wrong, huh?"

"You could do better," she said truthfully. "Seriously John," she continued trying to sound business like though he could tell she was fighting back tears, "I don't expect anything from you. I know you're not ready for this and I'm really sorry."

"Hey," he said lifting her chin with one finger so she would look him in the eyes, "this isn't your fault. We have equal responsibility in this. And it's going to stay that way."

"As long as you're sure," she said, her voice cracking with emotion. "I don't want to be the one who ruined your life."

He took a deep breath as reality started to sink in. "The timing could be better, obviously, but this isn't the worst thing, is it? This is pretty incredible when you think about it."

She smiled slightly for the first time that day, "It is. I mean, I really don't know if I'm prepared or cut out to be a mother. But I don't think I could have found a much better father for my baby than you." And silently, she prayed that he was the baby's father. He had to be. It was such a small chance that he wasn't... Maybe no one ever had to know.

And something else started to sink in for John; that she had no idea the things he was hiding. She might very well have a different opinion about her baby's father, if she did. It hit him suddenly, something he'd never even considered; he didn't quite know what the legal status of her situation was anyway. Natalie's husband was not dead, which meant that she was still married to someone else. How was he going to let her have his baby knowing that?

She must have seen something change in his demeanor, because she reached out for him at that moment. "What is it?" she asked.

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head, changing the subject. "I didn't even ask… how are you? I mean are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine," something about him showing this kind of concern for her made her smile. "It's really too early to be feeling much. I can't drink coffee, the baby seems to object to it. That's pretty torturous."

"Oh," he said with a sarcastic smile, "so _that_ explains the mood you've been in." She swatted playfully at his head. He wrapped his arms around her suddenly and pulled her into him. "We're gonna be okay," he whispered into her neck, "All three of us." And he kissed her, tenderly, deeply. Her lips sliding over his, his tongue caressing the interiors of her mouth. It surprised him how much he felt bonded with her, even more intricately now. And he knew that no matter what it did to that bond, he couldn't keep lying to her anymore.

* * *

"Johnny?" Michael asked uncertainly pushing open the door to his brother's room. 

"Yeah," John said without looking up; he was staring at a folder in his hands. As Michael entered the room he closed the folder and put it back in a cardboard box which he replaced the lid on rather quickly.

"Natalie's not here?" Michael asked in surprise. In the past weeks it seemed Natalie had been there constantly. Between John's distracted behavior and his encounter the an emotional Natalie the night before he wondered if something had gone wrong between them.

"Her sister's leaving the country tomorrow," John explained, "she wanted to go see her."

"Ah," Michael said, still feeling like there was something he was missing, "well you want to go out for a beer or something? Catch up?"

"Not tonight," John said standing up and looking around the room like there was something he was supposed to be doing, but couldn't quite remember what.

"Something going on?" Michael asked.

John shook his head, "Why?"

"Well you left the door half open, for starters," Michael began.

"I didn't realize," John said.

"And you're only halfway listening to me now," he continued.

"Sorry," John said pacing slightly, "I just… I got some news today… I-"

"Johnny?" Michael asked his concern growing.

"Natalie's pregnant," he finally said sounding as though he didn't quite believe it himself.

"Oh my God, John," Michael sank down on the couch. "It's yours?"

"Of course it's mine," his brother said, sounding offended at the implication. "What kind of question is that? Who else could it be?"

So she hadn't told him. He couldn't say he was surprised. Natalie had been determined John not find out about their night together before she was even with him; there was no way she would tell him now. He tried to do the math. "How many weeks is she?" How long had it been anyway? It wasn't something he'd marked on his calendar.

"Don't know," John said with a shrug, "I just found out today."

"What are you gonna do?" Michael asked warily, wondering what _he_ was going to do.

"I don't know," John half whispered. "It's kind of up to her. I mean she says she wants to keep it, but she doesn't want to get married. I… there's something I have to do tomorrow."

"What?"

"Something that could change everything," he said as he resumed pacing.

"You're being cryptic again, Johnny," Michael said.

"I know," he said, "but I can't say anything else." He was too distracted planning what he was going to say over the next couple of days. How was he going to tell Cris that his wife was having another man's baby? How was he going to tell his pregnant girlfriend that her husband was still alive? How badly had he fucked up this entire situation while trying to do what was best for everyone?

* * *

Natalie sat at the diner the next morning staring at a muffin she couldn't quite convince herself to eat. She would have loved to have attributed the feeling in her stomach to morning sickness, but she suspected it was probably just anxiety. She hadn't meant for John to find out until after she'd talked to the doctor; after she had a better idea… 

A ceramic mug plunked down in front of her full of a hot brownish liquid. Natalie looked up into the melancholy, but sympathetic face of Carlota Vega. "Chamomile tea," Carlota explained. "It was the only thing I could drink in the morning when I was pregnant with Cristian."

Natalie's jaw dropped. How could Carlota know? "How did you-?"

Carlota sat down across from her. "I saw Jessica at the drugstore yesterday. I thought she was buying them for herself, but she said it was for a friend… And then you came in and didn't ask for coffee. It was kind of a dead give away."

Natalie sighed. "Carlota I'm sorry. I know it must be hard for you. You know I'll always love Cristian-"

"Shh," Carlota said, "Don't worry about me. How are you?"

"I'm… I'm okay," Natalie said, "I'm terrified."

"That's pretty normal even under the best of circumstances," the older woman said patting her hand. It was clear she didn't consider these the best of circumstances. "I take it John McBain is the father?"

Natalie didn't answer. She couldn't lie to Carlota and there was no way she could admit the truth—that she wasn't sure. Carlota apparently took her silence as confirmation. "Well is he going to handle this like a man? Is he going to marry you, take responsibility for his child?"

"He wanted to," Natalie said, "I told him 'no'."

"Why?" Carlota asked sounding shocked.

"Because I just don't think it's right to rush into marriage because of a baby," Natalie said. "I'm sure John will be a wonderful father, and I would love to spend the rest of my life with him, but we have too many things to work out right now."

"Well you better work them out in the next couple months," Carlota scolded tenderly.

Rex entered the diner and wandered over to the table slowly as though he was waiting for Natalie to attack him at any moment. Seeing him and the look that passed between the brother and sister Carlota excused herself from the table and Rex sat down. Natalie turned her attention back to her tea.

"You're still mad at me?" Rex asked.

"Kind of," she said softly.

"Look, I'm sorry about telling McBain, but how was I supposed to know you hadn't told him yet?"

"You could have asked," Natalie suggested.

"Well what were you waiting for anyway?" he asked.

"I don't know," she hissed, "maybe till I knew for sure it was his."

"What?" Rex asked, speaking a little too loudly in shock. Natalie shushed him with a quick look. "Who else… ooohhh," he said finally figuring it out. "Holy shit!"

"Pretty much," she said.

"Well what are you gonna do now?" he asked, "Does Michael know yet?"

"He called and asked me to meet him here," she took a sip from her tea, maybe substituting another hot beverage would help her fool her body into thinking it was getting coffee, "he said we needed to talk, which means John must have told him."

Michael walked into the diner as if on cue; Natalie squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath. "You gonna be okay?" Rex asked her.

"Yeah," she said as Michael approached.

"Call me later?" Rex said standing up.

Natalie nodded as Michael and Rex wordlessly switched places. Natalie looked at Michael cautiously over her mug. Michael stared at her uncomfortably for a moment and then finally said, "So is it mine?"

* * *

It occurred to him suddenly, as though this were a radical concept that would fix everything, that he and Cristian Vega were not in love with the same woman after all. He looked at the hanging canvas with the image of her in her wedding dress and realized that they were two different women. He'd met the woman in the painting, hell, he'd helped kill her, but the woman he loved, who was carrying his child was different. There was a darkness behind her smile that the beaming bride in the picture didn't have, and a maturity mixed with a healthy dose of cynicism that hadn't settled on Cristian's Natalie yet. Cristian was standing at his easel flicking paint onto a canvas in a way which would only make sense to an artist. He turned around briefly to see who was approaching before turning back. 

"Been a long time," Cristian said keeping his eyes trained on the painting as John stopped in front of his cell.

John cleared his throat. "We have to tell her."

To be continued. Soon, hopefully.


	11. Chapter 11

Author's note: First off, to any Tess/Nash fans who are reading this, I'm completely with you, but when I started this back in June we hadn't even met Nash yet and Tess was a lot less likeable. I'm continuing this the way I had initially planned, because I feel like I have enough complications worked into the story so far, if I add any more this will never end…

Second off, thank everyone so much for the fabulous feedback. I really can't believe you're still reading.

* * *

_In the last chapter…_

"Been a long time," Cristian said keeping his eyes trained on the painting as John stopped in front of his cell.

John cleared his throat. "We have to tell her."

_And elsewhere..._

Natalie nodded as Michael and Rex wordlessly switched places. Natalie looked at Michael cautiously over her mug. Michael stared at her uncomfortably for a moment and then finally said, "So is it mine?"

* * *

Natalie looked back at Michael unflinching, trying to hold a poker face. Perhaps that was the problem; maybe she was too calm to be believable as she said, "No." 

Michael didn't waiver either, "Are you sure?"

She tried to tell him she was, that this was neither his problem nor his business, but for some reason she couldn't force herself to say it. "Reasonably," was the best she finally managed.

"Reasonably?" he repeated slowly, "that would mean 'no,' wouldn't it."

"No," she said, "it means 'almost positive.'"

"How?" he pressed.

Natalie took a deep breath and began explaining in a hushed, desperate tone, "Look I've been going over this in my head and I was up all last night reading everything I could find on-line, looking at calendars... If it was yours I would be almost seven weeks-"

Michael had already done the math. "Six and a half," he agreed.

"And I don't think I'm that far along. Also, I've had my period since then-"

"When?"

Her eyes widened slightly at the unexpected personal question. "Like the week after."

"Was it normal or was it-"

"Michael," she hissed, "there are biological details I'm not comfortable going into."

"I'm a doctor, Natalie," he said rolling his eyes. "Some women have false periods particularly during the first month of pregnancy, they're usually lighter-"

"I know," she said splashing some of her tea with a wild jerk of her hands, "but I don't think that's what it was."

"But you're not sure?" he said.

"No," she conceded biting her lip.

"So what am I supposed to do with that?" Michael said clinching his hands into fists but trying to remain calm.

"Nothing," she said.

"Natalie, that could be my baby you're carrying," he whispered, "you think I can just ignore that."

"For now," she instructed him.

"For now?"

"Look," she said placing both hands palm down on the table as if bracing herself, "like I said, I've been doing my homework. I'll have my first ultrasound in a few weeks and that should tell us for sure."

Michael shook his head, "Ultrasounds in the first trimester have a margin of error of about a week."

"That should be enough," she explained, "if it's yours we know I would have to be about seven weeks; if it's not yours then I know when my last period was and if I conceived mid cycle like your supposed to I would only be about three or four. It's a big enough difference that we should be able to tell."

Michael considered this for a moment. "Maybe," he said, "so what, in the meantime I pretend like there's nothing going on?"

"Yes," she said.

"I don't think I can," he said.

"Look Michael, I hate to put you in this position, but if this is John's baby then we have enough to deal with without him finding out I slept with you," she pleaded, "I promise you that if the ultrasound shows that it's yours, or if there's any doubt at all, I will tell him, but please, there is no reason he needs to know yet."

* * *

"How many times are we gonna have this conversation McBain?" Cristian asked training his eyes once more on his work. 

"She needs to know," John reiterated.

"We've been through this," Cris continued calmly slashing his brush across the canvas, making minute tilts of his head to examine it from different angles.

"Things have changed," John said, shoving his hands in his pockets, praying Cris wouldn't ask for further explanation.

"Have they?" he asked turning around completely for the first time but not quite dropping the zen like calm that painting seemed to have given him. "Am I no longer brainwashed and programmed to kill on command? Did I _not_ kill Tico Santi? Am I _not_ in jail? What's changed?"

"I did some research," John explained, "A case could be made... not a particularly strong one, but a case could be made that Natalie's still married to you."

"Who'd be trying to make a case?" Cristian turning away again, "nobody knows who I am. Not like I'm about to start asking for alimony payments."

It was so tempting just to agree, but he couldn't, not this time. "It just puts her in a precarious legal situation."

Cristian left the painting and calmly walked closer to John. For the first time John was sure that the calm was an act--well not quite an act, but it was a forced calm. He was working hard to hold something back.

"Is Natalie planning on getting married again?" he asked.

No, she'd made that clear enough. John shook his head.

"Then why is this a big deal all of a sudden?" Cris asked.

"Natalie's pregnant," he finally admitted looking right into Cristian's eyes. He figured Cristian deserved at least that much respect from the man who was sleeping with his wife.

Cristian took a deep breath making the same tiny tilts of his head that he'd made while studying the painting as he processed this information. "It's yours?" he asked in a voice which wavered slightly, as though he were having a hard time maintaining his constructed calm.

John didn't confirm it—he sensed it was unnecessary. "You don't seem surprised."

Cristian walked away. "Yeah well, like I told you the day you arrested me, I saw the way you looked at her. Hell, I saw the way she looked at you. If I'd known that I was really Cristian Vega, Llanview might have had a whole different murder on their hands."

"I'm sorry," he said, knowing it was nothing like adequate to make up for the way he'd benefited from Cristian's pain.

Cristian shook his head. "I told her to move on. I told her there was already someone in her life that loved her, that I thought he could make her happy. I can't blame either one of you for doing what I told you to."

"But you see why we have to tell her now?" John said more than asked.

Cristian glared at him for the first time as he lay his brush down on the easel tray. "Yeah, 'cause it's a great idea to lay that kind of stress on a pregnant woman. Always."

"Natalie's stronger than either of us give her credit for sometimes," he said, "she'll get through it."

"Even if she does she may not ever forgive you," Cristian said, "is this so important to you that you're willing to risk losing her?"

It wasn't a risk he wanted to take, but he didn't see any other way. "I have to," he said, "I don't want my child to start their life out surrounded by this kind of lie."

* * *

"All right," Michael said, "so not to sound selfish, but you have this all worked out from your perspective and John's perspective, but what about me? I'm just supposed to ignore the fact that I might be a father in a few months?" 

Natalie's cell phone rang; she answered it without taking wary eyes off of Michael.

"Hello?"

"Natalie, it's Antonio," there was urgency in his voice and she could tell from the rhythm of his breathing that he was rushing around wherever he was. "Have you seen Jess?"

"No," Natalie responded realizing immediately why he was so concerned, "what happened?"

"I woke up and she was gone," he said, "she must have snuck out when I was asleep."

"So you think-"

"Tess knows we were leaving for Switzerland tomorrow. She's desperate. She knows she doesn't have much longer."

"Do you have any idea where she would go?" Natalie said gathering her things.

"No," Antonio said, "but she's probably looking to head out of town. Look, she's going to need money-"

"I could check with the bank," she volunteered.

"I already have a contact at the bank looking out for her, but I don't expect her to show. She's smart; she'll know how easy she is to track. I need you to go to Llanfair, there's a lot of valuables there-"

"On my way," she said, "call me if anything changes." She hung up the phone and headed towards the door.

"What's going on?" Michael asked following her.

"I gotta go," she explained quickly, "It's Jessica."

"What happened?" he asked remembering Jessica's recent suicide attempt.

"I can't talk about it," she said pushing open the door, "but if you see her anywhere, call me. And keep her with you."

* * *

When she arrived at Llanfair the front door was cracked open; the drawers of the table in the entry way were thrown open. Tess had definitely been there. Natalie stepped inside cautiously; not knowing whether her twin's alter was still around or not. A quick check of the downstairs revealed that the rest of the house had been similarly ransacked, but that no one was around. Climbing up the back staircase she heard someone moving in one of the bedrooms. She crept down the hall until she reached her mother's bedroom door. Jessica… no, not Jessica, Tess was rummaging through the drawers of their mother's dresser. Natalie must have made some sort of sound because at that moment she looked up and seeing her there froze. 

"Tess?" Natalie asked, positioning herself so she was blocking the door.

Tess straightened up defiantly. "Yeah."

"Antonio has people out looking for you," Natalie said softly. It was awkward, talking to this person who looked like her sister, but she knew was decidedly not. And yet, was, at least in part.

"I know," Tess said, "so he can drag me off to Europe and kill me."

"It's not like that," Natalie said.

"It's exactly like that. They want to rip me out of Jessica's head and destroy me. They just put a nice gloss on it so no one has to call it murder. But that's what it is."

"Your sick," Natalie tried to reason, "they just want to help you."

"Help Jessica."

"You're the same person."

Tess shook her head, "We're really not." Tess walked to the door and tried to push past her; Natalie stopped her with a hand on each shoulder. Tess stepped back slightly and studied Natalie's face. "Let me go," she growled.

"I can't do that," Natalie said shaking her head.

Tess tried to get by her again and succeeded in making it through the door before Natalie caught her arm and stopped her. She whirled around. "You really don't want to get into a tussle with me, sweetie," she said.

"I've been in them with Jessica before," Natalie said holding tightly to the arm, "When I first came to town. I generally came out on the better end."

"Yeah well that was Jessica, not me," Tess said, "and back then you didn't have to worry about your little bun in the oven."

Natalie hoped she managed not to react to the last statement; that Tess wouldn't realize that she might back down from a fight to protect her baby. She'd called Antonio when she realized Tess had been there. He should be on his way; she just had to stall. "I'm not going to let you take off to do God knows what in my sister's body."

"Oh, I think you are," Tess said. "Tell me; does Johnny boy know yet that that baby's just as likely his brother's as his? Yeah, that was me you ran into that night, by the way."

"I figured that out," Natalie said, still holding on to Tess as she tried to pull her way down the hall.

"Well if you don't want me to tell him, I suggest that you let me go and-"

"If I don't let you go you're not going to have the opportunity to tell him," Natalie countered.

Tess laughed, "You have no idea how resourceful I can be."

"Well that's what Jessica told me," a voice behind Tess said suddenly, "but I have to admit I didn't think you'd be dumb enough to come here of all places."

Tess and Natalie both looked to see Todd Manning standing at the other end of the hallway. If possible, Tess's scowl deepened. "How did you-?"

He shrugged, "I've been having you followed since that whole thing with the window." He pantomimed a figure falling with one hand. "They called to tell me that you were acting kind of funny today, so I came to check it out. So, sorry, no escape. It's over Tess."

"You bastard," Tess spat.

"I am," Todd admitted, "but there's really no need to bring that up now-"

Tess turned suddenly. Relieved by her uncle's arrival, Natalie had relaxed slightly; Tess took advantage of this by punching her hard with her free hand. Natalie let go of Tess and staggered back against the wall as Tess rushed past her. Todd caught up with her on the stairs and grabbed her from behind. She squirmed and struggled to get free of him, but he held her tightly.

She screamed, "Let me go! You have no right!"

"It's over," Todd said staggering down the stairs with her, "just give it up."

"Go to hell!" she yelled kicking at him with all her might.

Antonio walked in the front door at that moment and took in the situation. "Jessica!" he called in alarm.

"Jessica's not here right now," Tess growled, "maybe you should try back later."

"Jess, honey, I know you're in there," he said walking closer to her and speaking in a soothing tone as Todd held firmly to her upper arms. "I'm here."

"No," Tess said, though she didn't seem to be talking to either Antonio or Todd.

"Fight her, Jessica," Antonio continued, "I know you can do it."

"NO!" Tess screamed one final time then fell limp in Todd's arms. Cautiously Todd lowered her down to a slumped over seated position on one of the lower stairs.

"Jess?" he asked the blinking girl.

"Uncle Todd?" she asked in confusion. She looked around her at the house, at Antonio, at Natalie slowly descending the stairs. "What happened?"

"Tess made one last escape attempt," Antonio explained.

"How you let that happen, we'll discuss later," Todd said glaring at him.

"Don't start," Jessica pleaded, "Antonio's done everything he could to protect me." She caught sight of the red spot that had appeared on Natalie's cheek, "Natalie, oh my god!"

Natalie shrugged, "Tess swings quite a nasty punch."

"Are you okay?" Jessica asked with a glance down at Natalie's stomach, which while it was still flat conveyed clearly the meaning that she wanted to make sure the baby was okay.

"Fine," Natalie assured her, "don't worry about it."

After he had begrudgingly let Antonio leave with Jessica, Todd lingered awkwardly while Natalie attempted to put the house back in order.

"So I overheard a bit of the conversation between you and Tess as I was coming up the stairs," he said finally. "Are you…?" he made a gesture like a woman's full stomach as if he didn't want to actually say the words.

"Yes," Natalie said brusquely. Todd wasn't exactly who she wanted to talk this over with.

He sighed. "Your mother's going to kill me," he said. "She asked me to look out for you girls while she was away and one of you gets committed and the other gets knocked up."

"Sorry if this is an inconvenience to you," she said.

"I'll live," he said with a shrug, "Um… do I also gather from what she said that you don't know who the father is?"

"Not for sure," she said uneasily.

"Yeah, don't tell your mom that," he suggested, "she's not generally the kind of person who gets herself into situations like that so she tends to be less understanding when other people do."

"I'll keep that in mind," she said hoping silently for the conversation to end. It had been a long couple of days and all she wanted to do was curl up in bed. She wasn't really in the mood for chatting about her problems with an uncle she'd never been close to.

"So… you're involved with one of these guys, that cop, right?"

Natalie nodded.

"Well, your mother would tell you different, but if you want my advice, don't tell him."

"What if someone else does?" she asked. She was surprised to find herself asking for advice; she hadn't thought she wanted any.

"Who would? Oh, the other guy. You think he might?"

"He might," she said.

"Well, if you tell me who it is I can find a way to lean on him for you," he offered.

Natalie smiled in spite of herself realizing that this truly was Todd's idea of helping out a family member. "No thanks," she said.

"Okay, well if you-"

Natalie's ringing cell phone interrupted a second conversation for the day. She looked at the caller ID; it was John. "Hello?" she said.

"Hey, it's me. How are you doing?"

"Okay," she said. It wasn't quite true, but she didn't feel like going into details over the phone, especially when she couldn't tell him half of the details and not really with Todd standing there.

"Listen, there's something we have to do tomorrow," he said.

"What?" she asked.

He hesitated. "I can't really tell you. I just wanted you to know that I told Bo we wouldn't be in."

"Okay," she said. Ordinarily she would have resented him doing something like that without talking to her first, but he sounded so serious about whatever this was that she didn't want to press the issue. She had a sudden sense of foreboding that this was not going to be pleasant.

"Where are you?" he asked.

"I'm at my mom's," she said.

Finally he must have realized from the tone of her voice that something was wrong. "What's going on?" he asked with concern.

"Nothing," she said finding herself fighting back tears and trying not to let her uncle see, "it's just been a long day."

"I'm on my way over," he said.

"No," she protested, "I'll come to your place."

"You okay to drive?" he asked.

"Yeah," she insisted, "I'll see you in a little bit."

* * *

When John opened the door and saw the purplish bruise that was starting to form on her cheek his eyes widened in alarm quickly shifting to anger. "Who did this?" he asked fingering it gently. 

"Jessica," Natalie said as she walked in.

"Jessica?" he asked not understanding.

"It's a very long story," she said sounding drained, "And I can't really talk about it."

"But you're okay?" he asked brushing a stray lock of hair from her face.

She wrapped her arms around him suddenly and buried her face in his shoulder, "I'm feeling better now."

And so he held her through the night, letting her cry out whatever had happened that she couldn't tell him about. He didn't push her to talk, knowing he had no right to. He didn't sleep, dreading the next day. There was no way for him to spare her what she was going to go through tomorrow; nothing he could do. But for tonight, he could hold her, and pretend just for a little while that things were going to be okay.

To be continued.


	12. Chapter 12

Author's note: Okay, this chapter has the scene in it which was the first part of this that came to mind; the inspiration for the whole rest of the fic. And after all this time I'm not sure it actually works as well as it did when if first came to me… but things are never quite as wonderful as I plan them to be. Sigh. As always feedback is oh so welcome.

* * *

He didn't sleep much that night. He would doze off then wake in a panic a few moments later reaching for her. He needed to reassure himself that she was still there, still within reach. After tomorrow she might never let him hold her again. And what about the baby… it was really hard for him to grasp the reality of this creature that had spurned him into action. Would he be able to hold his child after its mother found out about the secret he'd been keeping? 

Natalie's sleep was feverish, restless, plagued by strange dreams. Cristian painted a portrait of her with a scarlet "A" across her face. Jessica held her hand and explained that the baby wasn't hers at all—it was Tess's. Viki screamed at her that she'd never been her daughter at all and would be a terrible mother. Michael explained that he'd concocted a new paternity test using mustard. After each dream she woke fearing she was talking in her sleep… terrified that she'd give something away.

The both rose early and dressed in near silence, John had sunk into dread of what would happen over the next hours and she seemed to pick up on it. Finally she turned to him and asked, "So where is it that we're going today?"

He didn't make eye contact, "You'll find out when we get there."

"I just… I mean what should I wear?" she asked.

He looked up at her in her low cut blue top and black slacks. She looked beautiful. What was the proper attire for finding out you've been deceived by the two men you love most? How could he do this to her? "What you're wearing is fine. You look great in that."

She didn't seem to trust his judgment on this, "You sure?"

He nodded and walked to where she stood uneasily in the door to the bathroom. "How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Okay," she said then added with a laugh, "I think the caffeine withdrawals are finally gone."

"You queasy or dizzy or anything?"

She shook her head. "I'm ready whenever you are," she said.

He wouldn't ever be ready, but they might as well get this over with. He looked into her eyes for a moment then ran his hand over her hair. "Listen, Natalie," he put a hand on each shoulder, gripping her more tightly then he meant to. "I love you," he said desperately, "I need you to know that. No matter what happens today, please know that."

Her heart skipped. She's waited for him to say that for so long, why when he finally said it did the words fill her with fear. There was something behind those words, something he wasn't saying yet and whatever it was it scared him, and anything that could scare John terrified her.

* * *

She woke up when he turned off the car. He had been relieved when she dozed off so that he didn't have to answer her questions as she saw where they were headed. "Where are we?" she asked blinking to clear the sleep from her eyes. 

"Stateville Prison," he said climbing out of the car.

"What?" she asked not moving. "Why are we here?"

"Please," he said closing his eyes, unable to look at hers, "I'll explain everything, just some with me."

She got out of the car her whole body rigid with apprehension. He put an arm around her, hoping to reassure her, relax her; it didn't work.

"John," she said warily, "I can't think of any reason why I would want to be here." It was clear she could think of several reasons she _wouldn't_ want to be there.

"Trust me," he said, "this is something that we have to do."

She gripped his hand tightly as they were led by the guards to the small room he'd managed to arrange for this meeting to take place in. He didn't want guards standing beside them, watching what she was going through and he didn't want an iron grating interfering in the conversation. When the door opened and she saw the man inside she turned to him and said firmly, "No."

"Natalie-" he tried to begin.

"I don't want to see him. I don't want to look at him. Let's go."

"We will," he assured her, "I don't think this will take long.

"I have nothing to say to him," she said through gritted teeth.

"He has something to say to you."

"I don't want to hear it," he could feel her fear turning into anger.

"You need to," he said, feeling his voice crack.

"No, she doesn't, McBain," Cristian said.

She turned her attention to him, "You stay out of it." Defiantly she marched into the room, "Okay, what is it? What did John drag me out here to hear you say?" Her eye landed on the pile of papers on the table, "What's this?"

She read over them as John motioned for the guard to shut the door behind him. "Divorce papers? I don't understand," she said as she looked over the papers, "Cristian is dead so I'm not married to him anymore. You're not Cristian so I was never married to you; I don't need a divorce from you either."

"It's just a formality," Cristian explained.

"Cris-" John began, fearing that Cristian was going to continue to dodge the actual revelation at hand.

"Don't call him that!" Natalie ordered, turning back to him, "He's not Cristian."

"Natalie, sit down," John said pulling out a chair for her.

"I'm not staying," she said crossing her arms.

"Please," he begged her.

Unhappily she complied. He sat down next to her and turned so that he could face her.

"Look, Natalie, you remember that I had you get some material for a DNA test on this man?"

She nodded, "Because you knew before any of us. You knew that he was an imposter. I was so angry with you, but you were right."

"I wasn't," he said.

"John," she said, "he confessed to it; confessed to being an imposter."

"But after he was sentenced I go the DNA results," he explained.

"So who is he?" she asked.

"Cristian Vega," he said.

She looked at Cristian and looked at John. "I don't understand."

"The man who was brainwashed into making us all believe he was Cristian Vega, into killing Tico and Antonio actually was Cristian all along."

"That doesn't make any sense," she said with a calm that could only be the result of complete denial.

"But it's the truth," Cristian said speaking up finally. "My memories have all come back. I am Cristian."

"If you were Cristian," she said with a hint of the anger she still felt towards this man still evident in her voice, "why are you still in prison? Why are you still being called John Doe? Why hasn't anyone told your family?"

"Because the only person who knew about it was McBain, and I made him promise not to tell anyone, especially you. Because I killed a man and I didn't want you to remember Cristian that way. Because I didn't want you waiting for me to get out of prison when I might never.

"No," she said firmly, her calm just starting to break, "No! Because Cristian wouldn't do this to me!" She turned to John as her whole body began to tremble, "You wouldn't do this to me! You love me! You told me this morning that you love me! You couldn't do this to me, because you love me. Please, John-"

"He was doing what I asked him to," Cristian explained. "I wanted you to be able to move on with your life."

"What is that?" she asked through angry tears, "is that part of the brainwashing too."

He shook his head, "No, Natalie, it's me wanting you to be happy. To make a life for yourself, and I'm so happy to know that you're doing that-"

Her hand went unconsciously to her stomach. "He told you? Oh God, Cristian, I am so sorry."

"Don't be," he urged her.

She picked up the papers suddenly and turned to John, "That's what this is about? This is all so that you could get me to sign these papers. This is so that my baby isn't born while I'm married to another man."

"This is so that our child isn't born surrounded by secrets," he said fighting back tears himself. "Natalie, I never wanted to keep this from you, I was trying to do what was right for you-"

"Shut up!" she said, "You didn't have any right to make that decision for me. Neither of you did." She threw the papers back on the table, "I'm not signing them."

"Natalie, forget about McBain for a minute," Cristian said putting his hand on the papers, "Sign them for me."

"Cristian, don't let him push you into this," she said.

"The only thing he's pushed me into is telling you."

She stared at the papers. "Why Cristian? Because you're in jail? We'll get you out; now that we know who you are we can appeal-"

"Natalie," he said with that same calm he'd had when John found him painting, "If they let me out of here tomorrow, the first thing I'd do would be to get you to sign these papers."

"Are you saying that you don't love me anymore?"

"I'm saying that I was programmed to kill on command. I killed Tico-"

"He deserved it," she interjected.

"What about Antonio?" he asked, "He's my brother and I almost killed him. Natalie I could kill you just as easily."

"Cristian you could never-" she stopped and laughed bitterly, "Well, I was about to say you couldn't hurt me, but you already did." She buried her face in her hands, "Somebody tell me this isn't true, this isn't happening. Tell me that the two men I've loved most in my life didn't conspire to keep the truth from me."

"Natalie," John said softly reaching out for her shoulder. She recoiled instantly.

"Don't touch me!" she spat. She brought a hand to her mouth suddenly, "I think I'm gonna be sick." She stood and ran to the door.

Over her shoulder John called for one of the guards outside to assist her. It took everything he had not to run after her, but he knew she wouldn't let him comfort her right now; he'd only make it worse. He turned to Cristian who hadn't moved but was shaking his head. "You just destroyed her, McBain. I hope it was worth that to ease your aching conscience."

He finally caught up with her outside the perimeter wall by the road. She'd stopped crying but still clutched a wadded up tissue in her hand. She held her arms crossed tightly over her chest and rocked back and forth on her feet. She must have heard him approach, but she didn't look over at him.

"Let's get you home," he finally said after a moment.

She turned to him with so much anger in her eyes that it caused him near physical pain, "I'm not going anywhere with you."

"Look you don't have to talk to me, you don't have to look at me, but you have to get home."

"I already called Rex," she explained, "he's on his way to pick me up."

He didn't know whether to be resentful of Rex's involvement in this or to be grateful that she still had someone to turn to for support. He could at least wait with her until then; he had no idea when she'd be willing to see him again after today. After a few minutes she realized he wasn't leaving and said without looking at him, "Leave, please."

"I'm not going to leave you standing out here by the road in the middle of no where, Natalie."

"I'm at a prison, there are guards everywhere, I think I'm pretty safe, John," she said. But she didn't argue further when he still refused to move. She didn't speak again until she caught sight of Rex's car. "He's here, you can leave."

Not allowing himself to think about how fast Rex must have been driving to get there so quickly he gently took hold of her upper arms and tried to meet her eyes. "Look," he said, "I can imagine how mad you are at me, and I- I don't know if we can work through this, or if you even want to, but please-" He took a deep breath to hold back the tears, "When I told you that I loved you I meant it and I need you to believe that. I'll give you as much time and space as you need, but remember that I love you and I love our child and, and if there's anyway-"

Rex's car pulled to a stop in front of them.

"Our child," she said. And then she laughed a laugh with no humor at all that chilled him to the core, "that's what this has all been about hasn't it. And the funny thing is you have no idea."

"No idea?"

She looked at him as she took hold of the car door handle. "It's not _our_ child John. The baby isn't yours."

"What?" he asked stunned and trying to figure out who else it could belong to.

"It's your brother's," she said coldly as she climbed into the car.

He could hear her commanding Rex to drive, but he was paralyzed suddenly. It wasn't true, it couldn't be. She was just saying that to hurt him because he'd hurt her and she wanted to get back at him. But why would she say that when it would be so easy for him to find out the truth. And then he thought about Natalie and Michael and the tension which had always existed between them that wasn't quite dislike. And the fact that Natalie'd been hiding something from him right before they got together. And the expression on Michael's face when he saw them kissing that morning in the hallway. Michael had even asked him if he was sure he was the father. Well Natalie he couldn't talk to right now, but he could certainly talk to Michael.

* * *

"What's going on?" Rex asked as they drove away. 

"I can't talk about it," Natalie said pulling her knees up onto the seat, curling into a ball.

"Natty, you look like hell," he said glancing sideways at her, "what were you doing at Statesville?"

"I have to leave town," she said not answering his question.

"Are you fleeing the law or-?"

"Just John," she said.

"And it's personal, not professional?" Rex verified.

"Yeah," she said softly.

Rex nodded, thinking for a moment. "Okay. How quickly? Do we need to head out now or do we have time to pack a bag?"

"No Rex," she said, "you don't have to come with me. Just take me to my car and-"

"Yeah, I don't think so," he said, "you aren't in any condition to drive. Plus if you're going to be hiding from McBain you need someone with experience eluding the police."

"I don't want to drag you into this," she said wearily.

"Well, I'm volunteering," he said, "and you aren't getting rid of me."

To weak to argue she said, "After the bombshell I just dropped he'll wait a little bit before he comes looking for me. We can pack as long as we do it quick."

"Okay," Rex said, "I'll drop you off at Llanfair. Pack some clothes, whatever you need, find as much cash as you can. I'll run to my place, throw some stuff in a bag, hit the ATM and come pick you up."

She nodded as she felt tears spilling from her eyes again. "Thank you."

* * *

He tracked Michael down at the hospital. "Johnny?" he asked surprised to see him there, "Is something wrong?" 

"You could say that," John said nodding and barely keeping his cool.

"What is it? Is it Natalie? Something with the baby?" Michael sounded agitated, worried.

"As a matter of fact, it is," his older brother said scowling.

Michael's alarm grew as he looked around, "Well what is it? Is she here at the hospital?"

John shook his head, "It's not like that. Not a medical issue. Well I guess it kind of is, but not like that."

"I don't understand," Michael said blankly, "What is it?"

"I told Natalie something today that gave her a very good reason to hate me-"

"What did you tell her?" Michael asked in shock.

"That's not what I'm here to talk to you about," he said, reminding himself he was in a hospital and needed to keep his voice down. "As she was leaving she told me something crazy. And maybe it was just because she was angry; maybe she was just trying to hurt me back. Maybe it wasn't even true."

"Well what did she tell you?" Michael asked.

John fought to say the words and to say them calmly. "She told me that the baby was yours."

* * *

To be continued. 

I will be leaving early next week for my cousin's wedding in Peru and will be gone about week. I hope to get at least one more chapter up before then, but no guarantees. I have some real world things to get done before then as well (aren't those a pain?). I won't be able to post while I'm there, but should be able to write, so at the very least I should have something when I get back (and once I translate it from spanglish).


	13. Chapter 13

Author's note: This chapter was posted last week and I realized on the plane while I was working on some stuff that the timeline in it has some major continuity errors. I've mostly fixed them. Still not sure it works out perfectly, but I figure, this is soap opera-continuity is for people with out imaginations. Fixing the errors entailed inserting a little snippet of a new scene that gives out information which will be important later. So that nobody missed that, I moved the chapter break to just before that scene. So if you've read the earlier version of this chapter, this section is the same except some time references. New stuff is all in chapter 14.

* * *

"So where are we headed?" Rex asked as Natalie climbed into his car. 

"I don't- I don't know," she stammered, "are you sure you want to do this?"

He shrugged, "Eh, I got nothing going on. Road trip could be fun. Which direction?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Well you only have four to choose from, pick one," he urged her.

"North," she said arbitrarily.

"Anywhere North in particular?"

"Somewhere he won't think to look," she said trying desperately not to cry again.

"Okay," Rex said pulling out of the driveway. When they'd reached the highway he asked, "So you wanna tell me what's going on?"

"No," she said.

"You wanna tell me where you got the shiner?" he asked. Natalie touched the bruise on her cheekbone; with everything that had happened that day she'd forgotten about Tess. Rex added, "If it was McBain you might not want to tell me because I will be obligated to kill him."

"It wasn't John," she said staring out the window. "He'd never hit me. Lie to me, rip out my heart and stomp all over it, he'll do that, but he'd never hit me."

"Well who did?"

"Jessica," she said finally. "Don't ask. It's a long story that I really don't want to go into right now."

"Okay," he said, "What did McBain do to make you run?"

"I can't talk about it right now," she whimpered.

Rex nodded knowing better than to push the issue until she was ready.

* * *

John fought to say the words and to say them calmly. "She told me that the baby was yours." 

Michael's normally good natured expression slid away and he took a step back as if he'd just been slapped. "She told me it wasn't," he said.

"But for some reason you were in a position to be asking, which means there must be something you forgot to tell me," John said barely keeping himself from shouting.

Michael put his hand on the wall to steady himself. "Look obviously we need to talk-"

"You think?" his brother said running his hand over the back of his head to keep himself from grabbing his brother by the collar.

"John, you were still with Evangeline, how was I supposed to know-?"

"And you didn't think that maybe, at some point, you should have maybe said, 'Hey bro', by the way, I slept with your girlfriend a couple weeks ago'?"

"She asked me not to," Michael tried to explain.

"Yeah, that's right, blame her," he said sarcastically.

Michael held up a hand, "Okay, John, you have every right to yell and scream at me, but we can't do this here. This is a hospital. I'm working."

"Fine. Fine," John said regaining his composure. "When do you get off?"

"Seven," Michael said. "I'll come by your place."

"I'll be there," John said turning around and storming down the hall.

* * *

Sometime after dark Rex pulled into a gas station. "Why don't you go in and grab something to eat while I fill up?" 

Natalie nodded silently and climbed out of the car. She went inside to use the restroom but returned to the car empty handed as Rex was on his way in.

"Did you want to go someplace else for dinner because-"

"I'm not hungry," she said looking at the ground and opening the passenger side door.

"Natalie," Rex said pleading, "you have to eat-"

"If you say anything about eating for two I'll slug you," she growled.

Rex held up his hands in mock surrender, "I'd be happy if you would just eat for one."

She sat down without responding. Rex returned a few minutes later with a bag bulging with a sampling of everything the convenience store had to offer. He plunked the bag down in his sister's lap. She stared at it blankly, "I told you, Rex-"

"I know," he said, "you're not hungry. Well eat anyway before I break out my Jewish mother imitation. Just pick something. Personally, I recommend the ice cream because if you don't it's going to melt all over my car."

She almost smiled, "Bad strategic move on your part."

"Possibly," he said starting the car.

"Speaking of bad strategy, did you get spoons?" she asked looking in the bag.

"They were out," he explained, "but I got some plastic knives. They work in a pinch."

"You know this from past experience?" she asked.

"Sometimes I _really_ don't want to do dishes," he said. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her smile and shake her head at him. It was almost normal. He still had no idea what was going on, although he was barely controlling the urge to drive back to Llanview and beat the tar out of McBain for whatever he'd done to his sister. He still might, but there would be time for that later. At the moment his concern was keeping Natalie from falling apart.

* * *

Michael could have sworn he'd raised his hand but not actually knocked before the door to his brother's room swung open. John glared at him then moved away to let him enter without saying anything. Michael stepped inside uneasily and shut the door behind him; his brother, slouched a comfortable distance away, merely stared at him. 

"So what did she tell you, exactly?" Michael finally asked.

"Just that the baby was yours," he replied.

"Is she sure? Did she say anything about why she would think that?" Michael pressed.

"That was all she said, Mikey. And then she climbed in a car and sped away."

"How mad did you make her?" Michael said with a soft whistle.

"Little madder than I am at you right now," John said considering it, "though maybe not by much."

"So she probably wanted to hurt you back," Michael said, trying to figure out what could have been going through Natalie's head, and what John could have done to make her so angry. "Look, Johnny, unless she has some new information there's a much better chance that it's yours-"

"Did you sleep with Natalie?" John finally exploded, trying to force Michael to the actual issue at hand. He knew the answer by now, he just needed to hear his brother admit it.

His younger brother took a deep breath, "Like I said, you were still with Evangeline-"

"Just answer the damn question," he ordered in a voice that was much more "cop" than "big brother."

"Yes," Michael admitted.

John shut his eyes and turned away. "And you've been lying to me all this time."

"I didn't lie, John. She convinced me there was no reason to tell you."

He saw his brother's fists clinch; he waited for one of them to make contact with his head, "You didn't think you owed it to me to tell-"

"What about Natalie? Shouldn't she have been the one to tell you?"

"She was," John pointed out, "but that's not the point. How could you do this?"

"We were drunk, John," Michael explained sinking onto the couch, "it was one time-"

"So that's when it happened," John said suddenly, more to himself than to his brother.

"What?" Michael asked blankly.

John brought a hand to his chin as he sorted through the clues, "I ran into her in the lobby that night- morning. I could tell she'd had too much to drink… she said she was just in the hotel looking for coffee… I knew she was hiding something. Rex implied that- I gotta tell you Mikey, I never figured you for the type."

"What type?" Michael asked suddenly feeling he should be offended.

"The type to get a girl drunk and take advantage of the situation," the older McBain said shaking his head in disbelief. "How could you do that to her?"

"Wait a minute," he protested, "I wasn't taking advantage—I was just as drunk as she was. Not to mention suffering from bloodloss."

"That's right," John said putting another piece on the puzzle, "she hit you with a dart that night."

"Yeah," Michael said, "and she came back here with me to help me bandage it up… and things happened. I swear to God John, we used protection, it never even occurred to me that this would come back like this."

"Right," John said, "you just figured you'd keep lying about it forever."

"I'm sorry!" Michael said raising his voice, "We shouldn't have lied about it. I don't even know why we did, we didn't do anything wrong. You were in a relationship with another woman, it's not like I was sleeping with your wife."

John walked a few steps away then turned quickly back around, "You knew." His voice was soft, but intense. Almost threatening.

"Knew what?"

"You knew how I felt about her, Michael," he said, "you were the one that was always in my face telling me that I needed to own up to my feelings for Natalie. You knew and yet-"

"You were always telling me you didn't _have_ feelings for Natalie," Michael insisted.

"But you knew I was lying," John insisted.

"Well you know what, Johnny?" Michael said standing up and walking closer to his brother, "you don't have anyone to blame but yourself then. If you could have just gotten your shit together rather than waffling between-"

He heard the crunch and hit the floor before he realized what had happened. Dazed and rubbing his chin Michael looked up at his brother, standing over him with his fists still clinched. "That what you needed to do?" Michael asked calmly.

"Get out," John said taking a step back.

"It was wrong, John," Michael conceded, climbing to his feet, "We were drunk, we made a bad decision, we felt terrible about it, and we made another bad decision. I talked to Natalie yesterday and she told me that she was pretty sure the baby was yours and she was so worried about the problems the pregnancy alone was going to cause you two that I agreed to keep quiet unless she found out it was mine. You're right, we shouldn't have kept this from you, we shouldn't have done it in the first place but at this point I don't know what you want me to do."

"Get out," he repeated quietly, almost sadly. The anger seemed to have subsided somewhat, was that good?

Michael decided to try again, "You have to understand-"

"I'm trying real hard to," John said tensely, "but you need to leave right now. I need some time with this."

"Okay," his younger brother said, resigned but still uneasy. "You know where I am."

As the door closed behind him, John let himself fall back upon the bed. The sheets still smelled like her; in spite of his resolution not to, he wondered how long her scent had lingered in Michael's room. He wondered where she was and how she was coping with what had happened. Part of him wanted to call her, but he knew she would never answer if he did. Just like him she was going to need time. But how much time? Would there ever be enough time to make her forgive him for what he'd done?

* * *

Rex looked uneasily at his sister as they entered the swank hotel lobby. For a moment there in the car he'd almost made her smile, almost made her relax, just a little. Then she'd grown silent again and curled back into as much of a ball as she could on the passenger side seat. He had no idea what was going on, or what McBain had done to make her shut down like this, but helping her get away seemed the best way to help. 

"Are you sure about this place?" she asked looking around.

"Yeah," he said, "it's the last place anyone will look for us. If someone's trying to track us down they're gonna check all the cheap and sleazy places first. Plus, you never know what kind of bacteria is lurking in places like that. I gotta look out for my big sis and my little niece or nephew."

Regardless of how disastrous the situation with her baby was at the moment, Natalie was grateful that Rex was looking out for them. "I guess that makes sense," she said thinking about it carefully.

"Hey," he said handing her a room key, "you go upstairs with the bellhop. I need to check on something real quick." He made his way back to the front desk and leaned over the counter. "I need a favor," he said to the desk clerk.

"How can we help you, sir?" the clerk asked.

"You see that woman over there," he said nodding at Natalie who was waiting for the elevator.

The clerk followed his gaze, "Yes, sir."

"She's my sister," Rex explained, "I'm in the process of helping her get away from her abusive husband." He saw the clerk studying her more carefully; the bruise on her cheek, the frightened expression on her face, she looked the part of the battered wife. The clerk nodded. "The problem is the creep isn't in prison yet. Worse yet, he's a cop. Now I'm worried he might track us down here, start throwing his weight around, waiving a badge and all that. Please, don't tell anyone that we're here."

The clerk nodded sympathetically. "Don't worry, sir," he agreed, "anything we can do to help."

"Great," Rex said, "I'll give you a description. And if you could let me know if anyone comes in asking questions, I'd appreciate it."

* * *

He rang the doorbell and tried desperately to figure out what he would say if she answered the door. It had been over a day since Rex's car had peeled out from in front of the prison and he'd heard nothing from or about her since. It should have been time to figure some things out in his head, but it hadn't been really. He was angry—angry at Cristian for putting him in the position of lying to Natalie or breaking her heart; angry at the men who had brainwashed Cristian in the first place; angry at Michael for daring to touch her; and yes, he was angry at her. He had no right to be, not after what he'd done, but he couldn't deny it. 

Her car was there, she was probably home, but that didn't mean she would answer. He was actually shocked when the door opened. It wasn't her; it was her mother.

"Mrs. Davidson," he said in surprise, "I didn't realize you were home."

"I just arrived a few hours ago," she explained smiling. "I assume you're looking for Natalie?"

"Yes ma'am," he said.

"She's not here," she said, "I haven't seen her, actually, and she's not answering her phone. Do you want me to give her a message if she does come home?"

He shook his head, what message could he leave? "No, no message. Thank you, Mrs. Davidson."

"John?" she asked as he turned to go, "I don't suppose you'd like to tell me what's going on?"

He turned back to her but didn't say anything. He searched for an explanation, but didn't know how to begin.

"Please, John," she said, "I met with Jessica just before I left London. She has something pretty serious going on and I offered to stay with her in Europe for a while. She told me that Natalie was going to need me back here. Then I come home to find her gone. I assumed she was with you, but that's clearly not the case."

"I don't have any reason to think she's in any danger," he said trying to reassure her. "Natalie's pretty upset with me right now; she's probably just avoiding me and knew I would look for her here."

"Well I suppose that's good news in a way," she said, "but what aren't you telling me?"

"How much do you know?" he asked.

"Come inside and have a seat," she said walking into the living room and motioning for him to follow. When he was seated stiffly on the sofa across from her she finally answered his question. "I know that you and Natalie have a very complicated past. And I know that before I left my daughter wasn't spending very many nights in her own bed, and I suspect that you had something to do with that."

He looked at the floor. Viki was a wonderful lady, but hardly someone that he wanted to discuss his sleeping arrangements with. Particularly when they involved her daughter. "Please don't be embarrassed, John," she said gently, "I've been the mother of grown children for many years now, it's something you get used to."

"Mrs. Davidson," he said, "I care about Natalie, very much-"

"I know that," she assured him.

"No," he fumbled, "I… I'm in love with your daughter, and I think I might have-" He was surprised to find his voice hitching and his eyes watering. "I might have destroyed everything."

Viki tried not to act shocked by his declaration. "What have you done?"

He shook his head, "It's really not my place to tell you. Other people are involved, I can't-" No matter how understanding she was he didn't think he could tell this woman that he had made her daughter into an adulteress and an unwed mother-to-be. Besides it was Natalie's right to tell her about the latter and Cristian hadn't given him permission to disclose his identity. "When Natalie gets back, she'll tell you," he finally decided to tell her.

"And you don't know when that might be?" she asked.

"I'm sorry," he said.

She sighed. "Well, if there's one thing you learn raising as many children as I have, it's patience. I'll tell Natalie you came looking for her."

"Thank you, Mrs. Davidson," he said standing up. "If I hear from her I'll let her know that you're home. Welcome back. I'm glad Natalie has you here."

* * *

Natalie stared into space, barely blinking. She was curled up on her side on one of the hotel room beds where she had been since they walked in. "I'm gonna go get some ice," Rex said. He thought she might have nodded slightly, but she didn't say anything. The silence was starting to scare him; he'd seen Natalie go through a lot of things, and he'd heard her talk a lot of times when she probably shouldn't have, but he'd never seen her clam up like this. When he had gotten far enough from the door that he was certain he wouldn't hear him he pulled out his cell phone and dialed. 

The other man picked up and mumbled some unintelligible greeting.

"Hey comish! It's me!" Rex said brightly.

"Balsom?" Bo Buchanan said, "It's like three in the morning."

"And ordinarily I wouldn't bother you," he said sounding a bit overly polite, "I just wanted to let you know that Natalie's okay."

"Why wouldn't she be?" Bo asked.

"She skipped town," he explained.

"Why?" Bo asked his alarm growing with his irritation.

"You're gonna have to ask McBain about that," Rex said, "I just wanted to let you know that she's with me and she's okay. Talk to you later."

As he closed the phone he could here Bo asking there where they were. He wouldn't give that away, not unless Natalie told him to, he just didn't figure it would help to have the Buchanans all out looking for them along with John. Not to mention he was kind of starting to like some of Natalie's "other family" and honestly didn't want them worried.

* * *

When John arrived at the station the next morning his eyes immediately went to Natalie's desk. It was empty; the computer was off. "I don't think she's coming in today," a voice from behind him said. 

He turned around to see Bo standing in his office doorway. "You've talked to her?" John asked.

Bo shook his head, "Balsom called me about 3am. Said they'd left town but that she was all right. He also told me I should ask you if I wanted to know why."

John shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at the ground. "Now I'm not gonna do that," Bo continued, "unless you want to tell me what it is, because I'm your boss and I don't think we should bring our personal lives into the office. As such, I need to make sure that whatever this is, you're still going to be able to do your job."

"I am," he promised.

"John," Bo said as he turned to walk to his office, "this doesn't mean I'm not going to bug you about this outside of work. Or protect you from Viki or Kevin or any of the rest of her family."

John nodded, "Understood."

To be continued.

* * *

Author's note: The bit about the ice cream and the knife is dedicated to my roommate who I caught the other day eating yogurt with a fork rather than doing dishes.  



	14. Chapter 14

Author's note: She returns from her voyage to deepest darkest Peru (so called because the power station's always the first thing blown up)! She has eaten enough ceviche to last a lifetime, deftly avoided eating cuy, and stayed awake during a two hour wedding mass! Have now somewhat recovered from the 14 hr plane ride. Look what I brought back for you all!

Some material at the beginning of this chapter was originally in the earlier version of Chapter 13 (see note on Ch 13 for why). I apologize for the inconvenience. I do suggest reading the revised scenes in this chapter as one has a piece of information which will be important later.

Again, I apologize profusely for poor editing in the first place. To make it up to you all, I'm sending you all virtual pisco sours (because Peru has a national cocktail!) or for those of you underage or who do not drink, San Cayetano Pomelo Rosa (because if you've never had Red Pomelo flavored soda your life is lacking in meaning on a level you will never know…) Okay… still somewhat punchy from the plane ride…

* * *

Natalie woke up feeling stiff and achy, almost feverish. She groaned as she raised herself up to sitting. Her mother had once remarked that when she was pregnant she felt better than any other time in her life—if this was what it felt like her mother was clearly remembering it through rose-colored nostalgia glasses. Perhaps it had been the long car ride and the fact that she hadn't been moving around much that was making her so stiff. At least the caffeine headache had finally dissipated, she told herself, looking longingly at the coffee pot. Funny, she thought, if it weren't for the baby she probably would be waking up with quite a different sort of headache. Ordinarily she would have dealt with her situation by drinking herself into oblivion. Not so much an option now. 

She staggered to the sink despite the stabbing pains in her ankles and knees to splash some hot water on her face. The warm water not only helped clear her eyes and mind, it felt good on her fingers. It was only as they began to relax that she realized how stiff and sore they'd been. She looked at the clock; it was nearly noon and Rex was still asleep. Her internal clock had been completely thrown off, and she doubted Rex's was set to 'normal people time' to begin with. Hoping a hot shower would do for her aching body what the hot water had done for her hands she stepped into the bathroom.

When she emerged, feeling marginally better, Rex was awake and sitting at the foot of his bed looking dazed. "Morning," he said groggily.

"Afternoon," she pointed out.

He looked at the clock and rolled his eyes. Natalie flopped back down on the bed with a groan. "How you feeling?" Rex asked.

"A bit like I got run over by a car," she confessed.

"A car named John McBain?" he supplied.

Almost as in on command at the sound of his name she curled into a ball on her side and said weakly, "Can we please not talk about him?"

Somehow or another Rex suspected that agreeing to her request was not the thing to do. He walked over and sat beside her. "Are you going to be okay?" he asked.

Her eyes moved like she'd heard him and was thinking about the question, but she didn't answer.

"Natty, you're really starting to scare me," he finally said. "Normally when a guy pisses you off you get mad and fight back. You don't just curl up and hide. What's going on?"

"Cristian's alive," she said in a tone just above a whisper.

"Again?" he asked regretting it immediately, he knew that sounded more flip than he intended. Fortunately, she didn't seem to notice.

"The imposter wasn't an imposter. It really was Cristian. John had a DNA test run."

"Why would McBain be running a DNA test on this guy out of the blue?" he asked.

"He didn't," she said, "he had the test run before the guy confessed, to prove he was an imposter."

"And he's known all this time?" Rex asked. It didn't make sense; John McBain might have his bad points, but he could usually be counted on for honesty at least.

"He found out just after that man… after Cristian was sentenced." Natalie's voice sounded distant, numb, but at least she was talking.

"And he didn't say anything?"

"Cristian asked him not to," she murmured.

"That's why you were at Statesville," Rex figured out aloud, "you were talking to him."

"John convinced him to tell me," she continued, "because of the baby. So I told him… Rex, I told John the baby isn't his."

Rex thought about it, "Is that the story we're gonna go with?"

"What?" she asked.

"Do you want to keep him from the baby? Tell him it's not his?"

"I don't know," she whispered. "I don't know what to do." Tears spilled out of her eyes.

"Hey," Rex said stroking her hair in a gesture of almost parental concern, "you have time to think about it, okay. You don't have to decide everything right now. The only thing I need you to decide immediately is if you're just getting out of town to clear your head or if we're really running from McBain."

She looked up at him clearly not understanding. "As it stands we're going to be pretty easy to find," he explained, "if you want to hide from him we're going to need new ID's, ditch your credit cards, the car, that kind of thing. If you're just looking for space we can relax a little bit."

Natalie sat up and looked into her brother's eyes; he'd though this all through so carefully. "What would I have done with out you?"

"You took care of me when we were younger, so I figure it's my turn. Y'know be the protective big brother for a little bit."

She wrinkled her nose at him, "You're younger than me."

"Note please I said 'bigger' not older. I may still be younger than you, but now I'm bigger than you."

"Give it a few months," she said with a groan. After a pause she added, "John's really good at what he does. If he wants to find me he will."

"I'm good at what I do too," Rex countered.

"What about you?" she asked, "I can't ask you to just give up your life in Llanview just to help me with my messed up personal life."

He smiled wistfully, "I don't have much of a life in Llanview anyway." Natalie wrapped an arm around his shoulder, knowing he was thinking of Jen.

"Well I'm not hiding," she said, "I didn't get to know my real parents for so many years… I can't keep my baby from its father… whoever that turns out to be. And I have a life in Llanview, a family… Mom! Mom was coming home yesterday, Rex, I totally forgot. She's probably worried sick."

"I called your Uncle Bo already," he confessed. "I'm sure he'll let her know. So we're going home?"

"Not yet," she said flopping back on the pillows, "I'm not ready to face that quite yet."

* * *

A few days later John was staring at a computer screen, having broken his promise to Bo not to let the situation with Natalie distract him, when there was a knock at the door. Turning the monitor where it wouldn't be visible he called out, "Come in." 

He was surprised when Antonio Vega walked in. "Got a sec?" Antonio asked.

"Of course," John said.

Antonio settled into the chair across from him. "I just got back from Europe. You'll never guess who called me yesterday."

Natalie? John thought hopefully, but he didn't guess aloud.

"Cristian," Antonio said leaning back leisurely in his chair.

He wasn't angry. That was strange. Antonio Vega was hardly known for an ability to keep his emotions in check, so if he had just discovered that John had been lying about Cristian, why wasn't John sprawled out on the floor? And then he realized, "You knew?"

Antonio nodded. "Not as soon as you did, apparently, but for a while now."

"How-?"

"Couple months ago I used some connections to get in to see him. Wanted to see if he knew anything that could help me figure out who wants me dead. And he was working on this painting-"

"Of Natalie?" John supplied.

Antonio shook his head, "I saw that one, but that one I might have believed. No there was this painting of the apartment we lived in as kids, with Mami in the kitchen. They couldn't have taught an imposter about that. That's when I realized my brother was alive."

"I'm sorry," John said, waiting for the angry words he felt must be coming.

"It was his idea to keep it from us, I know Cristian well enough to know that," Antonio said, "but now I hear you decided to tell her." He didn't have to specify who the "her" was, they both knew they were talking about Natalie.

John nodded.

"Cris didn't think she took it very well."

"About like you'd expect," he said.

"So where is she now?"

"Hotel in upstate New York," he said motioning to the computer screen, "at least that's where I tracked Rex Balsom's car to. Doesn't seem to be abandoned yet."

"So why aren't you there?" Antonio asked.

John sighed. "You know how sometimes a girl runs out of the room because she wants to get away from you and sometimes she does it because she wants you to follow?"

"Yeah?" Antonio said.

"I never learned the difference," John admitted. "I don't know whether she wants to see me or not."

"Can I make a suggestion?" Antonio asked.

* * *

Natalie had spent enough time watching her brother surfing through the hundred or so channels on the hotel room television. When she'd packed her bag she'd thought only about toiletries and clothes, she hadn't thought about anything to occupy her time with. She wished she brought some mindless novel to keep her occupied and take her mind off things. She wondered how long the clothes she'd brought were going to last her—would she be ready to go home by the time they no longer fit? 

Ignoring the lingering pain and stiffness in her arms and legs she swung her feet to the floor. Maybe she needed to get up and move around. That would give her something to do and possibly make her feel better physically. "I'm gonna go for a walk," she announced.

"Want me to come with?" Rex asked.

"Nah," she said reaching for her shoes, "I'd kind of like to go by myself. Do some thinking."

"Okay," he said adopting a sudden paternal tone, "just be careful. Don't go too far."

Rolling her eyes she assured him, "I won't. And I won't talk to strangers and I'll look both ways before crossing the street."

"Good," he said switching his attention back to the television.

"That's strange," she said a moment later still fumbling with her shoes.

"What?"

"My shoes don't fit," she said staring at her feet. "I think my feet must be swollen."

"Doesn't that happen to pregnant women," he asked.

"Not this early," she said. "At least I don't think so."

Sitting up with much more serious concern he asked. "Do I need to get you to a doctor?"

She thought for a moment before shaking her head. "Not yet. It's not that bad and I think it just started. If it gets worse or doesn't go away…"

"Okay," Rex nodded, "just let me know."

Finally after removing her socks and taking out the arch supports from her shoes Natalie got the shoes on her feet and left.

She had only been gone a few minutes when the hotel room phone rang. Worried something had happened with to Natalie Rex dove for it. "Hello?"

"Um… yes sir this is Mike at the front desk. You asked to be notified if someone came here asking questions about you or your sister."

"I take it someone did?"

"Yes sir," the concierge said, "but not the man you described to me."

"Really?" Rex asked, "What did he look like?"

"Latin. Not very tall. Real short hair." Rex was confused. From the description he was fairly certain it was Antonio, but why would Antonio be there? "He's in the hotel bar, sir," Mike added.

"Thanks," Rex said, reaching for his own shoes, "I'll be right down there."

He found Antonio sitting a high top table in the hotel bar looking as though he had expected someone to come find him. He nodded calmly when he saw Rex walking towards him. "McBain send you?" Rex demanded.

"He knows I'm here," Antonio replied taking a sip of his drink, "but he didn't ask me to come. How's Natalie?"

"Not too good," Rex said irritably. "You can thank your buddy for that."

"It's not all John's fault," Antonio said studying Rex's face. "How much do you know about what's going on?"

Simultaneously Rex tried to study Antonio's face to see how much he knew. If Antonio didn't already know about Cristian, he didn't want to be the one to tell him. "I think she pretty much told me everything," he finally settled on saying.

"So you know about Cris?" Antonio asked.

"Yeah."

Antonio nodded. "I'm glad you're being protective of her," he said, "And I understand it, I would be the same way if it were Adriana. But I need to talk to her."

Rex looked at him steadily, "We'll leave it up to her."

* * *

When Natalie returned from her walk feeling considerably less stiff though no less sore, she was surprised to find Rex wasn't alone in the room; Antonio sat in the armchair by the window. She paused at the door, momentarily tempted to run. Rex stood up and took a couple steps towards her. "Natty, I hope I didn't screw up too badly by letting him in here, but he already knew we were here so I figured there was no point trying to hide. You don't have to talk to him if you don't want." 

"It's okay," she said dropping her purse on the floor. "Actually, Rex, could you give us a minute."

Rex nodded and walked towards the door. As he passed her he looked her in the eye and said, "I'll be in the bar. You need anything or he pisses you off, just come get me."

"I'll be fine," she reassured him. When the door closed behind him she turned to Antonio but didn't walk any closer. "How's Jessica?" she asked.

"She's okay. I got her settled in at the clinic then she sent me home. Your mom's home too."

"I know," she said softly. "Did John send you?"

"No," Antonio said, "Cristian did."

She stared at him in shock realizing what he was telling her, "How long have you known?"

"A couple of months."

She sank down on the corner of the bed farthest from him, "Did everyone know but me? Was this, like, some sort of big in joke?"

"I'm the only other person who knows," he said calmly, "and nobody's been laughing."

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked anger starting to flare.

"Because Cris asked me not to. And because I think he made the right decision."

"How can you say that?" she demanded, "You know what we all went through-me, your mother-"

"There was no perfect choice," he said, "no way not to hurt somebody. Cris wanted to keep you safe and give you a chance to be happy-"

She snorted, "Yeah, that's worked out real well." She let herself fall down on her back the rest of the way to the bed.

Antonio got up and sat on the other bed so that he was closer to her, "How are you doing?"

"Oh I'm just great, Antonio," she said looking up at the ceiling, "Except, you know, the part about my sister having multiple personalities and my husband being alive but hiding it from me. And being pregnant with a baby that either belongs to the man I love, who's been lying to me the whole time we've been together, or his brother. But yeah, you know, aside from that I'm fine."

"You should be at home," he said.

"I can't go back yet," she said, "I can't face him."

"John knows where you are."

Natalie turned her head so that she could look at Antonio, "You think he's gonna show up?"

"I think the only reason he hasn't already is that he realizes you need your space."

She sighed. "The thing is… right now is exactly the kind of time when I need John. When he's always there for me. But not this time. This time he can't be there for me because I can't stand to look at him."

"Well if you need anything you know you can always come to me," he said. "And your mother cares about you a lot. She's worried about you."

"Tell her I'm okay," Natalie asked.

"Tell her yourself," Antonio suggested. "Look I understand if you're too mad at John to see him, but there's no reason you can't be in Llanview. If you come back he'll give you your space. I promise you. It's been your home longer than it's been his; you shouldn't leave because of him."

She thought for a long moment before finally rolling onto her side and saying, "Okay. Tomorrow. I don't have the energy to pack right now."

* * *

He stared at the file trying to make the information in it go past his eyes and into his brain; it wasn't working. There had been a time when he coped with emotional upheaval by losing himself in his work so why couldn't he do that now? Why was he unable to think about anything but Natalie and the baby and the look in her eyes as she'd climbed into Rex's car? 

Antonio had called three days ago to say she was coming home but didn't want to see him yet. He'd heard nothing since then. He'd run into Rex at Rodi's the night before and he had icily informed him that the only reason he hadn't gotten a pool cue upside his head was because Natalie had ordered him not to. So she didn't want him dead—that was good news. Or she wanted the pleasure of doing it herself; she certainly had the right. Well, at least if she came to kill him he'd get to see her again.

There was a tentative knock on his office door. "Yeah," he called out.

The door opened partway and Natalie stuck her head in. "Got a minute?" she asked somberly.

Stunned he stammered, "Of course." He half stood up, fighting the impulse to run to her and take her in his arms.

She held up a hand to warn him against moving closer. "I need you to stay over there," she said. "I have trouble thinking clearly when I get too close to you."

He sank back into his chair as she sat stiffly in the opposite chair. "I'm starting back to work tomorrow," she informed him. "Uncle Bo said before I could come back you and I had to clear the air between us. Enough that we can work together."

"If you're not ready-" he tried to offer, even though he couldn't bare the idea of her leaving yet.

"No," she said, "we need to do this." He nodded.

"I tried to go back and see Cristian, but he won't see me," she said. "He and Antonio are going to find a way to tell their mother, but he still doesn't want it getting out as general knowledge."

"I'm sorry," he started to say but she held out her hand again.

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad, John," she said, "I know you well enough to know you don't need my help with that. I'm just trying to explain. I know hiding his identity was Cristian's idea. Not just because you've all told me so, but because I know Cristian and that's exactly the kind of thing he'd do. And part of me is just as angry at him as I am at you; even though I'm so relieved to find out he's alive."

"Do you-?" he stopped himself realizing he didn't have any right to ask what he'd been about to.

"Do I still love him?" she supplied. "Yes. But you knew that. I still love you too, it's not something you can just turn off. The whole time we were together you knew that I loved him. I mean, you still love Caitlin… so that's not really that issue. What you want to know is if I want to be with him?"

"Do you?" he asked, dreading her answer.

She toyed with the long strings on her belt. "It's not an option," she said. "No more than it was when I thought he was dead. He and Antonio have made that very clear."

"But what do you want?" he pressed.

She smiled wryly at him, "Oh I get a choice now? There's a change."

"I told Cris I thought it should be your decision," he said, as if that excused his role in the scenario.

"I know," she said blinking her eyes furiously, trying to hold back the tears that were rapidly collecting in them. "Honestly, John, I want to curl up into a ball and disappear. But that's not an option either."

"I'm sorry," he said, "I'm the last person who should be pushing you about this."

"Maybe," she said, "but we need to talk about these things. There's a lot we need to talk about."

"I don't know what I can say-" he began.

"Fine then," she said bitterly, "I'll talk. Jump in whenever you feel up to it. She paused and took a deep breath the looking him in the eyes she said, "I know you were trying to protect me, John. I know you didn't want me to get hurt anymore than Cristian did, but I don't think either of you realizes how much you hurt me. I'm not even talking about finding out I'd been lied to; I think you might understand that more or less. But John, do you know what it did to me thinking that I'd been sharing my life, my bed, my body with a stranger? A monster who was just pretending to be my husband."

"I saw what it did to you," he said, "I know you went through a really tough time."

She shook her head, "John, you didn't see half of it. My life, my past, my body had been violated. Used. It was almost- I imagine it felt a lot like waking up and realizing someone had slipped you something the night before. You don't have to remember the violence of being raped, but you know what happened."

She was right, he'd seen how she had taken finding out Cristian was an imposter, knew she felt bad about herself afterwards, but to hear her put it in those terms made him sick. Made him wonder how she could even be in the same room with him.

She continued. "After Cristian died in Vegas I kept sleeping with his pillow. It still smelled like him. The smell faded, of course, but I kept sleeping with it. It made me feel like he was still with me; it was comforting. After I found out the man who'd been in my bed wasn't Cristian, that pillow still smelled like _him_. So I had to put it away. You took that away from me. You and Cristian. I slept on the floor because I couldn't face my own bed. John, you and Cristian did that to me and I need for you to understand that."

He fought back tears, fought back the urge to wrap his arms around her—she wouldn't let him comfort her now, he knew that. "I never meant to—I am so sorry-" He drew his hands down his face.

"I know," she said softly, "I just needed you to know what I'm going through."

He nodded. "I guess I'm lucky you're even willing to talk with me."

"Yeah," she said softly, turning her attention back to her belt strings she added, "There's something else I need to tell you, in the interest of full disclosure."

He wondered if this had something to do with Michael and the baby and he tried to steel himself for whatever it was.

"When Cristian was back with me," she began then paused and bit her lip as though she was having trouble getting up the courage to say whatever it was, "while we were together… I had dreams about you."

This was unexpected. "What kind of dreams?"

She blushed. "The kind married women aren't supposed to have about men who aren't their husbands."

"Ah," he said telling his heart it didn't have any right to leap at this revelation.

"And after… I told myself it was just because subconsciously I knew it wasn't really Cristian. That theory's kinda been blown out of the water. I guess what I'm telling you is…. If I had had the opportunity to choose between you and Cris… well it would have been complicated."

He nodded, "Well complicated is something we do pretty well."

"Speaking of which," she said, "Michael's cheek is a lovely shade of purple.

His heart sank; she'd gone to see Michael before seeing him. What did that mean?

She seemed to read his thoughts because looking at him steadily she explained, "I ran into him at the hospital. I was having some tests run."

"Everything okay?" he asked wondering if he had the right to ask about the baby.

"Yeah," she said, "I have an ultrasound scheduled soon. When I know something I'll let you know. What I need to know from you before that is…" She trailed off, taking a deep breath, collecting her thoughts. "John, I am trying to work through what you and Cris did. I don't know how I'll feel about it once I can come to terms with it, or if I can, but I'm working on it. But I need to know, John, if this baby turns out to be Michael's, does it even matter whether I can forgive you? Will you be able to forgive me?"

"I don't have any right to be angry with you," he said, "not after what I've done."

"But you are," she said, "and it doesn't matter what you have a right to feel if you feel it. I'm sorry for hiding it from you."

He looked at her curiously, "Sounds like you aren't sorry for doing it?"

"I am," she said, "for myself, for Michael, for my poor baby who's gotten dragged into this. But you were with someone else and pushing me away every chance you got, so I'm not going to apologize to you for that."

"Okay," he said having no idea how to respond.

"But you haven't answered my question," she said, "If this is Michael's baby, will you still want to be with me?"

He tried to imagine being with Natalie and raising Michael's child. "You want me to be honest," he said slowly, "It's gonna complicate things. I'm not going to pretend that it won't."

She nodded slowly, studying his face. "Okay," she said after a moment, "I'll see you tomorrow, then. I'll get back to you as soon as I know anything." She stood to go.

"Natalie," he said just before she reached the door, silently pleading with her not to leave before he could tell her how much he wanted to make things up to her. That it didn't matter about the baby, because he still loved her. He probably couldn't have managed the words anyway, but she cut him off.

"We both have things to work through, John. We both need time."

To be continued.

* * *

(Translation from the author's note: Ceviche-national dish of Peru. It's seafood in limejuice with onions and chiles and stuff. Not honestly my favorite thing, but it can be great. Cuy- guinea pig. Yes, they eat that too. Pisco-white grape brandy, Peru's national alcohol.) 


	15. Chapter 15

Author's note: Sing with me, "This is the fic that never ends…" No, it will. I swear. I can see the end. I've written the end. It's just not as close as I'd like it to be. But it's getting closer, I promise. Anyway, thanks for continuing to read, I hope you're continuing to enjoy. Feedback is always appreciated.

There are some time jumps in here, but they're not huge.

* * *

Natalie took a deep breath and marched up to Michael who was studying a clipboard in the hospital corridor. He looked up at her startled as she said, "You're off the hook McBain." 

"What?" he asked in confusion.

She thrust a thin folder at him. He opened it and looked at its contents. "Your ultrasound was today," he said understanding suddenly. He studied the papers, "Judging by gestational age-"

"There's no way you're the father," she supplied. She sighed. "I should be so happy, this was what I wanted. But- there's a part of me that was hoping it was yours. I don't know if I just want to hurt John back or if I just don't want to deal with everything he and I have been through-"

"Natalie," Michael cut her off.

"I'm pathetic aren't I?" she asked trying not to let her eyes tear up.

"No," he said, "there's something you need to know."

Before he could tell her what it was Bo Buchanan approached them; he gave Michael a questioning look.

"He's just out of surgery. I'll let you know when he's awake," Michael told him.

Natalie didn't think too much about their conversation, assuming it was a suspect of a witness that Bo wanted to question. Until she saw Bo mouth something that looked like, "Does she know?"

Michael shook his head.

"Know what?" she demanded.

Michael put a hand on her shoulder which was intended to calm her but only made her more concerned. Obviously he was worried about her reaction to this. "First of all, he's going to be okay."

"Who?" she asked looking from Michael to Bo, mentally she scrolled through men connected with both her and Bo, starting with family, "Is it Asa?"

Bo shook his head "Why don't you sit down?" he suggested.

And it dawned on her, "Please don't tell me-"

"Honey, John was shot today."

Natalie covered her mouth feeling sick suddenly as Michael continued, "He's all right. He was hit in the thigh; the bullet shattered his femur but it didn't get anywhere near any vital organs. They surgically removed the bullet and some of the bone fragments and pieced the rest of the bone together."

"He'll be okay?" she pleaded more than asked.

"He'll be fine," Michael assured her bending down slightly so he could look directly into her eyes. "Y'know us McBain brothers might have matching intermittent limps for a while, but other than that-"

She turned back to her uncle, "How did this happen?"

"He was working," he said, "It's an active investigation, Natalie, you know I can't discuss the details." He knew full well she wasn't going to accept that answer.

"Then leave out some of the details," she said setting her jaw in a determined manner.

Bo sighed. "He was working on a drug ring down in Angel Square. He busted into a meth lab and someone started shooting."

Natalie turned away. "Is this my fault, Bo?"

"How would this be your fault?" Michael asked.

She stayed focused on her uncle, "John's had a lot on his mind, and most of it's had to do with me. Do you think he was distracted-?"

"John's a professional," Bo said putting a reassuring arm around her shoulders, "he knows how to keep his mind clear when he has to. And even if he didn't, that wouldn't make this your fault."

"Can I see him?" she asked turning back to Michael.

"Once he's out of recovery and conscious," he said. Catching her protest before she could make it he explained, "Immediate family only at the moment."

"My baby's immediate family," she said putting a hand to her belly, "doesn't that count?"

Bo looked at his niece in only moderate surprise. He'd strongly suspected that Natalie might be pregnant, but no one had confirmed it until now.

"It's not my rule," Michael said putting his hands up.

Bo clapped a hand on his shoulder. "I have some pull with the chief of staff. I'll see what I can do."

A few moments later Natalie stared at John's unconscious form. She'd watched him sleeping plenty of times, but this was different. He looked pale, dwarfed somehow by the white walls and IV poles. He looked vulnerable; it was the first time she'd ever seen him that way. She'd never imagined it was possible for him to look vulnerable.

Michael nudged her forward. "Go ahead," he whispered in her ear, "go give him something to live for." She reminded herself that it was just an expression and that his survival wasn't in doubt. But it could have been. They all knew the man who shot him hadn't been aiming for his leg. John could have died without knowing what she had to tell him.

She sat down beside him and took his hand in hers. It was limp which scared her and she dropped it immediately. "You know," she said holding back tears, "if this is some kind of ploy to get my attention it's not fair." She knew he wouldn't respond, but she paused, waiting for him anyway. "Seriously, that whole trying to get yourself killed thing is my routine, get your own." Fingering the folder in her hands she added, "If you would wake up I'd let you see a picture of your baby. I can't tell if they're good pictures or not, but they said everything looks normal. Which is a change for us." Her voice caught in her throat and she couldn't continue.

"You said 'mine'," he murmured drowsily without opening his eyes. It took her a moment to realize he'd actually spoken.

"Yeah," she said wiping the corners of her eyes free from the tears that were starting to collect there. "Yeah, I did. The baby's yours."

"And you?" he asked.

She laughed slightly, "Yeah, it's mine too."

That hadn't been what he meant, but he couldn't manage to express himself. "I'm sorry," he whispered. He didn't say what for, there were so many possibilities, but she took his hand in both of hers, encouraged by the strength she felt returning there. She shushed him softly before smoothing the hair back from his face.

* * *

Two hours later she found herself, to her own surprise, pacing uneasily in the hospital corridor. When they'd moved John from recovery to his own room she hadn't followed him. First she'd stayed away so that the nurses could perform the necessary post-surgical checks, then it was so that Bo could talk to him, but afterwards she couldn't manage to enter the room. If he'd asked for her, she doubted she would have been able to stay away, but he hadn't and she knew he wouldn't. No matter how much he wanted to see her he would lie there alone playing the martyr. John didn't ask help he preferred to run around rescuing others. And somehow, despite everything, she couldn't convince herself to leave the hospital either. 

She was surprised again when her pacing led her to Kevin who was pacing in his own little patch of hallway. "Kevin?" she asked, "What are you doing here?"

Kevin looked up startled. "Oh, Kelly had a doctor's appointment; I'm along for moral support. But, you know, I got kicked out in the hallway."

"Ah," Natalie said.

"What about you?" he asked, "What are you doing here? Everything okay?"

She let out a bewildered giggle. How to answer that question? Where to start? "I had an appointment too," she began. "Actually, I had decided after today I was going to start telling everyone, I won't be able to keep it a secret much longer anyway. I'm pregnant."

Kevin looked at her wide-eyed, clearly not sure how to respond. Natalie actually smiled; Kevin had the most entertaining 'confused' expression she'd ever seen. "I guess it's not been easy for you then, I know you and John have been fighting. I assume John's the father?"

"Yeah," she said, "but I just found that out a couple hours ago."

Kevin's expression moved from confusion to complete shock. "It's a long story," she explained. "Anyway, John's here. He was shot earlier today."

"Is he-?"

"He'll be fine," she said.

"And what about you?" Kevin asked. "It might not be any of my business, but what's going on between you two? Is it because you and someone else-"

"Well that didn't help," she admitted, "but it's less than half of it. I can't really talk about it, but he lied to me about something huge and I just don't know if we can get past that."

"Well been there done that," Kevin said.

It occurred to Natalie how cruelly ironic the situation was; Kevin and Kelly couldn't have a child despite all their efforts and she was pregnant despite not wanting to be. "I'm sorry," she said, "You probably don't want to hear about this."

Kevin waved her concern aside, "Don't think because Kelly and I have had fertility problems you have to pretend like you're not pregnant around me. How are you doing with this? I mean obviously this was unplanned."

She said grimly, "Apparently in Llanview you only get pregnant when you don't want to."

He nodded, "I've noticed that. It's either something in the water or there's some sicko who goes around to all the drugstores sabotaging the birth control and condoms and stuff."

"I knew there had to be a logical explanation," she said.

"It's scary, isn't it," he said after a moment. "I was younger than you when Duke came along. I remember what it was like."

"And everything else has gone to hell at the same time," she said. "And I have to keep focusing on what's right for the baby and-"

"It's worth it in the end, though," he said putting an arm around her. "And Natalie, if Kelly and I can work through all lies and all the pain we caused each other, I think there's still hope for you and John. I can tell from the expression on your face that you still love him."

"And I almost lost him today," she said softly, "but that doesn't change everything he did."

"No," Kevin said, "and feel free to make him answer for that. But if you decide you want a future with him, I think it's still possible."

"I have a lot of thinking to do," she said.

"Well if you ever need to talk," he offered. He knew he wasn't generally who she came to when she needed support, but he wanted to make it clear he was available.

"Thanks," she nodded starting to pace slowly back in the general direction of John's room.

"Hey," Kevin said before she'd gotten far. She turned back to him. "Mom said you were looking for an apartment."

"Yeah," she said, "I figured at Mom's age she doesn't need a baby screaming in the middle of the night. And I kind of think it's time for me to get a place of my own."

"There's always the Carriage House," he suggested.

She shook her head, "I don't want to kick Kelly out."

He leaned closer to her, "She hasn't been sleeping there very much lately, anyway. No sense in letting the space go to waste. And I could use some help persuading her to move in with me."

She laughed. "I'll think about it."

* * *

Michael McBain walked into his brother's hospital room not certain what sort of reception he would receive. The last time they'd talked had been weeks ago when John nearly broke his jaw. Now John was the injured one. When Michael had first realized that John was the GSW being brought in he'd been scared, but now that he knew his brother was going to be okay, he could let himself enjoy having John at his mercy. Just a tiny bit. 

"You know, if you wanted a little brotherly bonding time you could have just called," Michael said. "I know we're both busy, but I'm sure we could have come up with a better way to get together than this."

John glared back at him, but there was a hint of humor behind it. "Go ahead enjoy yourself, Mikey," he said, "see if I help you out on your next speeding ticket."

Michael smiled. "So… congratulations," they both knew he was talking about finding out he was the baby's father. "Have you told mom yet?"

John shook his head, "You?"

"No," he said, "I didn't quite know how to have the 'Guess what you're going to be a grandmother but it could be from either son' conversation."

"Me neither," John said.

"Listen, Johnny," he said, "this is the way it should be."

"Well, I'm sorry for… you know," John pantomimed punching himself in the jaw.

Michael shrugged. "I probably would have done the same thing. I just want you to know I'm really happy for you and Natalie. I hope you two can work all this out before the baby comes."

John looked off into space and Michael could tell he was thinking about Natalie. "She go home?"

"Nah," his brother told him, "she's lurking out in the hallways somewhere, I think. I'm sure if you asked for her she wouldn't be able to refuse. A brush with death tends to make you irresistible."

"I don't have any right to ask her for anything," he said.

"Don't do this," Michael said sounding somewhat annoyed.

"What?"

"This whole martyr, giving up thing. I know you care about her."

"I love her, Michael," John said softly.

He smiled, "I know. And I know she loves you too. Can't figure out why, but she does."

"Shut up," John said looking for something he could toss at his brother. Fortunately for Michael there was nothing within arm's reach. It was at that moment that the door opened and Natalie walked in.

"Well speak of the devil," Michael said. John gave him a look warning him to be quiet.

"Michael," Natalie asked looking not quite at him, "do you mind giving us a minute."

"Sure thing," Michael said opening the door, "I'm supposed to be working anyway."

As the door shut behind him Natalie walked to the side of John's bed. "So I promised if you woke up I'd show you pictures." She handed him the glossy ultrasound printouts. He stared at the first images of his child in amazement as the idea began to sink in further. He was actually going to be a father. Looking over his shoulder and pointing she added, "I'm gonna be honest I can't really see anything, but the doctor told me that's the head. And yeah, and it looks healthy and everything."

He looked up at her as he handed the images back, "Thank you."

"Oh this one's for you," she said handing one of them back. "I mean, if you want."

"Yeah," he nodded not taking his eyes off of her.

She sat down uneasily in the chair beside his bed. "For future reference, if you want my attention, there are better ways of getting it. You scared the hell out of me today. You're not supposed to do that to pregnant women."

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Well, I figure you didn't plan it," she said, "You don't like to be the one who needs help."

"Not especially," he said. She shifted uncomfortably in her chair. "You don't have to stay," he told her.

"I know," she said, "but I need to tell you something."

She was avoiding making contact with his eyes; this was obviously not something easy for her to say. A sudden fear hit him that she was about to tell him that she wanted him out of her life for good. That the ultrasound image was all he was going to see of their baby.

"When they told me you'd been shot I thought I was going to throw up, John," she said. "And it's not like I didn't know already, but knowing I could have lost you reminded me how much I'm still in love with you."

"But?" he said, sensing it couldn't all be that positive.

"But it doesn't erase what you did," she said.

"Nothing can do that," he said, "I know. You can't trust me."

She shook her head. "I would trust you with my life, John. More than anyone else I've ever known. And I would trust you with my baby's life. Our baby's life. But-" her voice cracked and he could tell she was fighting back tears. She took a couple of breaths to regain her composure and then finished, "I just don't know if I can trust you with my heart."

He reached out for her hand. "I understand," he said, "I don't deserve any trust from you."

"I want you to know," she added, "I promise you I will never do anything to keep you out of this baby's life. It's really important to me that it have two parents."

"You just don't want me in your life?" he supplied.

"I don't know what I want," she confessed, "Other than obviously for you to stop getting shot. I just—I still have things to work through."

He nodded. "Take as long as you need. I'll stay as far or near as you want."

* * *

Natalie sat down on the bench in her mother's garden. It was unseasonably warm and the fall sky was a brilliant blue. She had never been much of an outdoors person, but had taken to long walks on the grounds because it helped her avoid her mother's pitying looks and efforts to commiserate about the pregnancy. She knew her mother meant well, but sometimes it got to be too much. She'd wandered up to the carriage house to see how things were going with the gradual switch between her and Kelly, but had turned around when she saw Kevin's car in the drive. She wasn't in the mood to spend time with such a disgustingly happy couple. 

She heard footsteps in the gravel and hoped whoever it was would just pass by, but to her chagrin her uncle Todd appeared a moment later.

"There you are," he said, "your mom sent me to look for you."

"Here I am," she said forcing half a smile.

He sat down beside her as if he wanted to talk and Natalie wondered if she should remind him that Jessica was the niece he was close to, not her. "How are you doing?" he asked.

She sighed, "Well, I'm pregnant and barely speaking to the baby's father because he lied to me about something huge and he might still be a little pissed at me for sleeping with his brother and my life is totally screwed up and I don't know where I'm going to fit a baby into it. And on top of all that, my knees hurt and I seem to have hives or something breaking out all over my arms." She realized from the expression on his face he had no idea what to do with her outburst and added, "You didn't really want me to answer that honestly, did you?"

He shrugged, "Well, you know… ask a stupid question."

She nodded looking for a way to gracefully exit this conversation. "Look, I know you and me never been close like me and Jessica-" he began.

"We kind of got off to a bad start when you turned me over to a man who was planning to kill me," she agreed.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. It was to save Blair… you know, nothing like love to make you do something really stupid."

She laughed bitterly, "That's what I hear."

"But, you know, if nothing else, Blair and I are the ultimate examples that if two people love each other they can get through anything. I'm not saying I'm thrilled with my niece being with a cop, but if you love him, I think you should give him another shot."

"You don't know what he did," she said softly.

"What? Hiding the fact that Cristian was alive?" he said.

She stared at him in horror. "You knew?"

"Relax," he said, "I found out after you did and only because I have Antonio's cell phone tapped."

"You what?" she asked in a whole new shock.

"I did it when I was worried about Jess. Might have forgotten to turn it off."

"You're a freak, you know that," she said burying her head in her hands.

"Yeah," he said, "and I've done much worse than McBain. I mean, Natalie, I told Blair our son had died and then I sold him to David Vickers. Actually, I didn't sell him; I paid Vickers to hide the kid. But Blair forgave me for that, and it wasn't because I deserved it, 'cause I don't. It was because for some reason or another she loves me, and I love her. And now look at us. We have two great kids, a family-"

"You're telling me to forgive him?" she asked looking up at him.

"I'm telling you that if he's the guy you love, you're not going to be happy without him; Blair and I never have been. So you might as well find a way to be happy with him."

"Maybe," she said hugging her arms tightly across her chest.

"Well I better get you inside, Red," he said suddenly, "you're starting to bake in this sun."

She touched the bridge of her nose which she had already felt stinging. "The trials of being pale," she said standing up. She hated to admit it but a lot of what Todd had said made a disturbing kind of sense. She was actually feeling marginally better when she walked into the house.

"There you are sweetheart," Viki said walking out of the living room. Staring at her daughter she stopped short and gasped. Bringing a hand to her mouth she murmured, "Oh please God, no!"

To be continued.


	16. Chapter 16

Author's note: So sorry about that last cliffhanger. Well, not too sorry, but, you know. I actually got very stuck on this chapter and forced myself though because I want to get this thing done. Unfortunately, I'm afraid it sounds a little forced. Better things are coming, I swear.

* * *

"There you are sweetheart," Viki said walking out of the living room. Staring at her daughter she stopped short and gasped. Bringing a hand to her mouth she murmured, "Oh please God, no!" 

"What?" Natalie asked, "What is it, Mom?"

"Natalie dear," Viki said trembling and walking towards her daughter, "your face…"

"Oh the sunburn?" Natalie asked wondering why her mother was so concerned over this, "yeah, I guess I should have put on sunscreen."

Viki took her by the hand and led her to a mirror in the entryway, "Baby, I don't think that's a sunburn."

Natalie looked at herself. It was a strange looking burn, a little darker than she would have expected to get in such a short time and looked more like a rash of some sort than a burn. It spread over her nose and onto her cheeks to right below her eyes. The shape was a little unusual, like one of those psychologist inkblots, like a bat or a butterfly. "What else would it be?" Natalie asked uneasily.

Visibly shaken her mother walked into the living room and sank down on the couch. "How much do you know about your sister Megan?"

"Not much," Natalie said sitting beside her, "just that she died young."

Viki nodded, "Of complications from lupus."

"Mom, I don't understand," Natalie said. "What does this have to do with-"

Viki touched her daughter's face gingerly, "Natalie, that 'sunburn' looks very much like a lupus butterfly rash."

"But it could just be a sunburn," Natalie insisted.

"We need to get you to a doctor," Viki said anxiously standing up and looking for her purse.

"Vik, I think you're overreacting," Todd said.

"I'm not!" she insisted. "I've been through this before!"

Todd put a hand on her shoulder, attempting to calm her, "Okay, even if she does have it, most cases of lupus aren't as bad as Megan's, right? Marty was fine most of the time-"

"Todd you don't understand!" Viki said shaking her head.

"Mom!" Natalie said inserting herself between her mother and uncle, "Please calm down. I still think it's probably nothing, but I'll see a doctor if it'll make you feel better. I'm going to call my O.B. and see if she can meet me at the hospital. I don't want to take any risks with the baby."

Viki nodded still trembling but seemingly satisfied with this answer.

* * *

"Natalie?" Michael asked in surprise seeing her walking into the hospital flanked by her mother and uncle. "Is something-" Michael stopped himself short studying her face and asked, "Natalie, do you have lupus?" 

Natalie sighed and brought a hand over her eyes; Michael could see something was making her tense. "No," she said firmly.

"Dr. McBain," Viki interjected, "she's never been diagnosed, but that's a butterfly rash, isn't it?"

Michael looked from Viki to her daughter uneasily. "It looks like one," he admitted, "but we shouldn't jump to any conclusions."

"I called Dr. Conklin," Natalie said, "She said she would meet me here. I just want to make sure whatever this is the baby's okay."

Michael nodded, "I'll go see if she's here."

As he walked away Viki began pacing anxiously. Natalie turned to her, "Mom, please calm down. You heard Michael, he said not to jump to any conclusions."

"I also heard that he had the same thought as I did," Viki said.

"Here, why don't we sit down," Todd said trying to calm his sister who immediately turned on him.

"Todd please stop fussing over me," she said, "I'm not the one who's sick at the moment."

Natalie took a few steps away trying not to let herself absorb her mother's stress over the situation. That's when she heard uneven footsteps and a man's voice say her name in confusion. She turned to see John with a set of crutches and his leg immobilized by a bulky foam and metal cast. "John," she said, not prepared for the sight of him limping although she knew all about his injuries, "What are you doing here?"

"Follow up," he grunted motioning to the leg, "What about you? Is something wrong? The baby-?"

Michael rejoined them at that moment and directing himself only to Natalie said, "Dr. Conklin left a message that she's been held up by an emergency situation at the office but she'll be here as soon as possible. We're gonna go ahead and check you out, okay."

"Okay," she nodded.

"What's going on?" John asked his brother having had no response from Natalie who was starting to appear more agitated.

"We think she may have lupus," Viki explained.

"Mom thinks that," Natalie interjected, "we don't really know anything."

"What is this?" John asked brushing his thumb along the border of the purplish spot on her cheek.

Natalie flinched under his touch. Whether it was because of skin irritation or because she wasn't ready for him to touch her yet he couldn't be sure, but at the same moment they both seemed to realize the significance of what had just happened. For whatever reason she couldn't let him touch her. Their eyes met. "I'm sorry," he mumbled.

"No," she said softly wanting offer him some kind of reassurance, but not finding any she could give him she shifted attention back to the matter at hand. "I think it's just a sunburn."

He frowned, "That's a pretty bad looking sunburn. What's this about lupus?"

"That rash is a very common symptom-" Viki interjected.

"Look," Natalie said holding her hands in a stop symbol towards both John and her mother, "You're both getting worked up over nothing. There might not be anything wrong at all."

"She's right," Michael agreed realizing how tense the anxiety around her was making Natalie and looking for a way to help her escape. He put an arm around her shoulders and began leading her away from the group, "In fact why don't you come with me and we can get to the bottom of all this, okay?"

Natalie nodded mutely. Turning back to the rest of the group Michael added, "We'll let you all know if there's anything to report."

As soon as they were in the exam room Natalie let out a breath she hadn't even realized she was holding. "You seemed to be getting kind of overwhelmed out there."

"Yeah," she said, "thanks for the rescue. Look, I need you to tell my mom that I don't have lupus and everything's fine."

"Shouldn't we find out whether that's true first?" Michael asked.

"As far as she's concerned that doesn't matter. My older sister died of lupus," Natalie explained.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I guess that explains why your moms' so upset. I didn't even know you had an older sister.

"I never met her," she said. "But I think for mom this is bringing back a lot of bad memories. But she's overreacting, isn't she? I don't have lupus."

"Well that's what I'm going to try to figure out if you'll let me," Michael said.

"Okay," she said climbing up on the bed, "is it a blood test or-"

"Well, we'll do some blood work, but unfortunately there's no definitive blood test for lupus. It's possible that a blood test will prove you do have it, but there's no test which can absolutely say you don't."

"Great," Natalie groaned.

"So what we do instead is check for symptoms. I'm not a rheumatologist, and I'll probably wind up referring you to one no matter what, but we're going to run over some things first, okay?"

"Okay," she said uneasily.

He picked up the pen on his clipboard, "Now I have to be honest with you, that thing on your face could have come out of a textbook. It's pretty convincing, but it's not enough. Have you had anything like this before?"

She shrugged, "I have sensitive skin, it's hard to say…" She pushed up the sleeves of her shirt revealing several red splotches, "But sometimes I get things like that, I didn't think anything about it. Lois switches laundry detergent and doesn't tell me or something and then-"

Michael wrote something down on the clipboard. "What about headaches?"

"Some," she admitted, "but that might have more to do with, you know, your brother than anything else."

Michael smiled, "Fatigue?"

"I'm pregnant," she said looking at him sideways, "isn't that pretty common?"

"Yeah," he said continuing to write, "any unusual swelling or joint pain?"

Her expression sank immediately and he knew she recognized the symptom. "It went away so I never said anything," she murmured.

"When did this happen?"

"Right after I found out I was pregnant. Right after John told me- While I was out of town. I got really stiff and sore, and I thought it was just from the long car ride, but then I woke up one morning and my feet were so swollen I couldn't fit my shoes on."

"Okay," Michael said in a tone that indicated this was significant.

"It still doesn't mean I have it, though, right?" she asked anxiously.

Michael lowered the clipboard to his side and looked at her, "Well like I said, you need to see a specialist, and I'll recommend one for you, but generally with diagnosing these things it's a looks like a duck quacks like a duck kind of thing."

She bit her lip and put a hand on her belly, fear flickering in her eyes, "Okay, assuming I do, what does that mean for the baby?"

* * *

When Dr. Conklin arrived and took over with Natalie, John pulled his brother aside in the corridor. "Mikey," he said, leaning on his left crutch, "I need you to translate all this medical stuff for me. I don't even know what lupus is." 

"It's an autoimmune disease-" Michael began.

John shook his head, "I don't need a recitation from a medical book. I just need to know what this means for Natalie and the baby."

Michael thought for a moment, "Well, it'll be considered a high risk pregnancy from this point, but that's mostly precautionary. Most women with lupus have normal pregnancies nowadays."

"But this is me and Natalie," John pointed out, "so it's not a bad idea to be prepared for the worst case scenario."

Michael spoke calmly, hoping not to alarm his brother any more than necessary, "There is an increased chance of miscarriage and premature birth. Increased incidence of high blood pressure with the mother…"

"And?" John pressed, sensing Michael was leaving something out.

"Well," Michael said uneasily, "If she does have lupus it's not great that her first definite flare up was while pregnant."

"Why?"

"Because in some women the increased hormone levels with pregnancy can trigger a worsening of the disease."

"How?" John asked not quite hiding his fear.

"Cardiac or kidney problems primarily. But that's extremely rare."

John let his head drop towards his chest as he processed this information. "So what do we do?"

"Well her doctors will monitor her very closely," Michael assured him, "the best thing is to make sure she takes care of herself—gets enough sleep, eats right, stays away from stress-"

"So basically stays away from me," John said with a bitter laugh.

"I wouldn't go that far," Michael said rolling his eyes at his brother's self-deprecation.

John shook his head, "You saw the way she flinched when I touched her. She still can't stand to be near me."

"She was tense," Michael explained, "she was being crowded by you and her family and none of you was exactly calm. I don't think you can go by that."

"Yeah well," John said, "I'm gonna go. I'm only going to make things worse hanging around here." As he limped down the hallway he wondered to himself why everyone was always criticizing him for being such a cynic. No matter what he did the worst seemed to keep happening to him and everyone he loved.

* * *

Natalie tried hard not to laugh at John lumbering around the office with his cast and crutches, trying to find a way to carry a stack of papers and a cup of coffee. Grinning she asked, "Can I help you with that, John?" 

He looked at her sheepishly, "No, I think I can get it."

"Give it here," she said standing up and taking both the papers and the mug from his hands.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" he said as she opened the door to his office for him.

"Maybe a little bit," she admitted, "I kind of like this dependent side of you. Gives me a chance to look out for you for a change."

"How are you doing?" he asked settling in at the desk.

"Fine," she said indicating clearly she was tired of that question.

"You went to that specialist yesterday, right?" She hadn't told him, but he'd heard from Bo when he asked why she wasn't at her desk that afternoon.

"Yeah," she said.

"What did he say?"

"_She_ seems to agree with your brother and my mother on the diagnosis, but she says there's no big cause for concern right now," she said, then added, "She told me to avoid stress and I told her that's no problem because I have no stress in my life."

She'd meant to make him smile but saw that instead the joke evoked sorrow from his eyes. "Oh come on, if I can joke about this, you can."

"Joke about your health?" he asked, "She's right, you need to take care of yourself."

"I am," she said sounding somewhat irritated, "I wish people would stop reminding me. Like I don't realize how serious this is. Like I would take any risks with my baby."

"We're just worried about you," he argued.

"But you're all treating me like I'm a child with no sense," she said, "I mean, John, I'm going to be a mother soon, you might want to start treating me like an adult."

"You don't think I see you as an adult?" he asked, thinking her pregnancy in and of itself should be proof to the contrary.

"I know you see it as being protective, but when you order me around and make decisions for me… it's hard not to read something into that."

They both knew that when she talked about him making decisions for her she wasn't talking about the present, she was still talking about Cristian. He looked down at the desk, looking for a new way to apologize for that, but she beat him to it.

"I'm sorry," she said, "You didn't deserve that."

"Yes I did," he said.

"No," she insisted, "I'm just… I think it's the hormones. I'm sorry."

"Really," he said, "you have a point. You are a grown woman, an intelligent, beautiful one at that. You deserve to be treated that way."

She smiled at hearing him call her beautiful again, surprised at how much fluttering she felt inside. "Look John, about the other day at the hospital when you touched me-"

"You don't have to explain," he said.

"It wasn't- I was just stressed, you know. Between worrying about Mom and worrying about the baby and everyone crowding around me…"

"Natalie I promised not to push you and I don't want to," he said, "if you don't want me to touch you, it's okay."

"It's just…"

"What?" he asked, blue eyes pleading with her to tell him everything. To show him someway he could help heal the breech between them.

"When you touch me like that, you're so tender and protective and I know how much you care about me and the baby and that you want to take care of us-"

"And something about that bothers you?" he asked. Was this also making her feel babied?

"It's selfish and silly," she said toying with her hair, "but I can take care of myself, that's not what I want you around for. I want to know that the baby's not the only reason you're touching me. That it's not just about protecting us-"

"Well there are plenty of other reasons I want to touch you," he said, "but I've been afraid of getting slapped."

She blushed and stammered, "Well, I mean, we should probably move slow."

"I can do that," he said smiling.

She turned to leave but quickly turned back. Feeling suddenly like a shy fourteen year old asking out the senior quarterback she said, "John, I meant to tell you, if you want to come along for the next ultrasound it's okay."

"You sure?" he asked eagerly.

She nodded, "Might be nice not to be there alone for a change."

"I'd like that," he said feeling hopeful for perhaps the first time that they might have a chance.

* * *

"Well?" Bo asked as John and Natalie walked into the station, "You two have baby pictures for me?" 

Natalie handed him the sonogram print outs she held in her hand. Bo looked at them smiling with memories of being a father. "So is it a boy or a girl?" he asked unable to tell from the grainy images.

"Good question," Natalie said giving John a significant look.

"I'm still not clear on why this is my fault," John said meeting her eyes with an amused look.

"'Cause I decided it was," she informed him, "Our child is uncooperative and gets that from you."

"Oh _I'm_ the uncooperative one?" he teased back.

"What am I missing?" Bo asked.

"They couldn't tell," Natalie explained, "the baby wouldn't get into the right position. But I'm pretty sure it's a girl."

"You just decide that too?" John asked.

"Yep," she said with a smile, "hey, mother's intuition has to be worth something, right?"

"I wouldn't know," Bo said, "But can I see you for a minute John? We have some new information on the Schwalm case."

"Yeah," John said sobering immediately.

Turning to Natalie Bo said, "Hold my calls and make sure no one comes in. We shouldn't be long."

"Sure," she said walking around her desk to sit down. She smiled watching Bo and John disappear into his office. Today had felt good; she and John seemed almost like two normal expectant parents. For a moment she'd been able to forget the secrets and pain and fear. Feeling the baby move inside of her she put a hand on her belly, as long as the baby was okay, it would have all been worth it.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear the other woman come in until a voice above her asked, "Is Bo in?"

She looked up to see Evangeline looking as uncomfortable as she suddenly felt. "He is," she said, "but he's in a meeting right now and asked not to be disturbed."

Evangeline nodded, "Do you know how long he'll be?"

"He said not too long," Natalie told her.

"I'll wait then," Evangeline said, "as long as that's okay?"

"Sure," Natalie said uneasily wondering when Evangeline started asking permission to invade her space. Looking at Evangeline's svelte form in her designer suit, Natalie felt suddenly self-conscious of her cotton maternity top and protruding belly. She tried to pretend to be absorbed in her work.

After a moment Evangeline cleared her throat, "So I haven't had a chance to say 'congratulations'."

"Oh," Natalie said wondering if Evangeline really was ignorant of how chaotic everything involving the baby had been or if she was being coy on purpose. "Thanks," Natalie stammered.

"Um… when are you due?" Evangeline asked sounding as though she were fumbling for conversation.

"April 10th," Natalie answered looking quickly back at the screen of her computer.

"So… do you know yet if it's a boy or a girl?"

"Not yet," Natalie groaned doubly irritated at having to answer that question again and at having to talk with Evangeline.

"So you um-?"

Evangeline never got the next question out because Natalie looked up at her and said, "You know, Evangeline, it's okay. You don't have to act like you're interested in the baby; you don't have to act like you want to talk to me."

"I'm sorry," Evangeline said, "did I say something wrong?"

"No," Natalie sighed, "but I don't really believe you want to go on and on about the baby your ex is having with another woman. Nobody would. I mean if our positions were reversed-"

"Our positions wouldn't be reversed, Natalie," Evangeline said suddenly.

Natalie studied her face trying to discern what she was implying, "Because you wouldn't steal another woman's man or because you wouldn't be dumb enough to get pregnant accidentally?"

"Because John never would have left you for me," Evangeline said. Natalie's face softened slightly; no matter how much she disliked Evangeline she knew she'd been hurt by the situation with John. She couldn't begrudge her a little sympathy.

Evangeline continued, "I do believe that John wanted to be with me while he was, but I was never a long term commitment. The thing is, Natalie, I broke up with John because he couldn't give me what I needed, but at the same time, there are things he needs that I can't give to him either. I think maybe you can."

"Are you still talking about the baby?" Natalie asked. She didn't picture Evangeline as the motherly type, but had never thought about how that could have impacted her relationship with John.

"Sort of," Evangeline said, "more so what it represents. Family, backyards, pool tables and beer. They never quite appealed to me the way they did to him."

While Natalie tried to find a way to respond to this Bo's door opened and John and Bo emerged. Both of them stopped short at the sight of the two women having an intense conversation, knowing that was never a good thing. "Everything okay out here?" Bo asked.

"Yeah," Natalie responded.

"Can I see you?" Evangeline asked turning to him.

"Sure," Bo said waving her into his office.

John lingered before going back to his office, watching Natalie go about her work. The lupus symptoms had gone back into remission and she looked completely healthy. Glowing. She caught him looking at her and self-consciously asked, "What?"

"Did you just have a civil conversation with Evangeline?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "hard to believe, isn't it?"

He shrugged, "Crazier things have happened I suppose."

"With us, they definitely have," she said smiling up at him.

To be continued.


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: I still don't own these people; they are the property of the mouse.

There's a moment of dialog which is shamelessly stolen (paraphrased) from an episode of OltL _years_ ago. I stole it 'cause I thought it was really beautiful and it worked well here. Fifty cool points to anyone who spots it.

Author's note: Thank everyone for all the feedback and support thus far. We're continuing the trend of random jumps in time, hope you can all keep up. This baby is almost finished! (hmm… in context I suppose 'baby' has multiple meanings… not intentional)

* * *

John discovered he was developing an addiction to watching Natalie. He stood at a distance as she moved around the filing cabinet in a loose fitting blue top that tied underneath her breasts which had grown even more pronounced with the pregnancy. Everything about her glowed and there was something surprisingly sexy about it. He found he had a barely suppressible urge to wrap his arms around her… 

Suddenly she winced and gripped the edge of the cabinet.

"Natalie," he asked stepping forward as she quickly recovered from whatever it was. He limped every so slightly, the brace had come off his leg two weeks before, but it wasn't quite back to normal. "You okay?" he asked her.

"Yeah," she said smiling at him before wincing again.

"No you're not. What is it?"

"It's nothing," she said walking over to her desk.

"Natalie-" he asked, silently begging her not to shut him out of whatever this was.

Turning back to him she said matter-of-factly, "I've changed my mind, I think it's a boy."

"What brought that on?" he asked. They had developed a good natured argument over the still unknown sex of their child and he was surprised to hear her giving in suddenly.

"Because," she said walking closer to him and lowering her voice, "your child thinks it's funny to keep kicking my bladder. No girl would be that insensitive."

He smiled at this revelation, "So that's why you were wincing."

"Yes," she sighed. She looked at him looking at her for a moment and suddenly took him by the hand. "Come here," she said leading him into his office.

"What?" he asked as she closed the door behind him.

Wordlessly she took his hand and placed it under her shirt on her rounded belly. Nothing happened for a second and suddenly he felt it. She smiled watching his face light up, feeling his child move for the first time. "That's…" he trailed off unable to find words for what this felt like.

"Pretty intense, huh?" she said knowingly.

"Yeah," he said in wonder. He raised his eyes to her and stared deep into them, "Thank you."

She stared back into his eyes and for a moment neither of them moved. Slowly the significance of the moment started to sink in on both of them; feeling their baby kick would have been profound enough, but this was about so much more. They were standing there, his hand on her bare stomach and any reservations she'd had about him touching her seemed to have vanished. It was a shockingly intimate moment. He edged closer to her; she was breathing heavily and her face was flushed.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

"Yeah," she assured him.

"Your face is a little red," he said brushing it with his free hand, "this isn't-?"

She smiled and speaking close to his ear said, "I don't think this has anything to do with the lupus or the pregnancy. I think it's pretty much just you."

He ran his hand over her hair and let it rest on the back of her head pulling her face up towards his—

And suddenly the door swung wide open. "Oops!" said Rex who had half stepped through before he realized what he was interrupting. The moment shattered John and Natalie stepped away from each other and he let his hand drop off her stomach.

"What are you doing here?" Natalie asked pulling on the hem of her top.

"They said you were in here, I just wanted to see if you were ready," he explained. "They didn't say _what_ you were doing in here-"

"Lunch. Right," she said remembering they'd made plans earlier. Turning back to John she said, "We were just going to grab something to eat if you want to come along-"

"He doesn't," Rex answered for him. She turned back to him and glared. "Lieutenant McBain is a very busy man," he explained. "And besides that this is supposed to be brother-sister bonding time. Once that kid pops out you're not gonna have anytime for that. I need my big sister fix," he said making puppy dog eyes, "_Alone_."

"Ah," Natalie said reading between the lines, "so you've got girl trouble."

Rex held out his arms to the side as if to prove he wasn't hiding anything, "Did I say that?"

Natalie smirked at him walking towards the door and patting him on the head as she passed, "Just let me run to the ladies' room and I'll be ready."

Rex started to follow her out the door but paused and once she was out of earshot turned back to John with his arms crossed. "What are your intentions towards my sister, McBain?"

John raised an eyebrow, "Um… she's five months pregnant with my child, don't you think it's a little late to be asking that?"

Rex shook his head, "I don't think it's ever too late to warn you that if you break Nattie's heart again, I'll kill you. And I'm pretty sure the Buchanans will help me cover it up."

John nodded slowly considering this. "If I ever break Natalie's heart again, you can kill me. I hope you do."

"Just so we're clear," Rex said giving him one last meaningful glance before slinking out of the room.

* * *

"How was lunch?" John asked later that afternoon when he found an excuse to walk by her desk. 

"Great," she said smiling up at him and bringing a hand to her chest, "Except I think I ate too much and now I have _really_ bad heartburn."

"Ah," he said not quite having expected so blunt an answer.

"I'm sorry," she said, "You don't want to hear about that."

"No, I do," he assured her, walking to the edge of her desk, "Really, it makes me feel like I'm more a part of this."

"Well good," she said, "'cause you _are_ a part of this." She fixed his eyes with her own for a moment, absentmindedly she ran her hand over her stomach before turning back to her work.

"So Rex has girl trouble?" he asked, not wanting to move away just yet.

Natalie rolled her eyes as sorted through papers on her desk. "Yeah, nothing new. I just wish he would stop getting involved with girls that are involved with members of my family. I mean he married the same woman as one of my brothers and now he's plotting to steal my nephew's girlfriend-"

"Really?" John asked, surprised that Rex would zero in on Adriana.

"Yeah," Natalie said standing up and walking to the filing cabinet, "And I'm not saying I think he's wrong, so much as I'm saying it puts me in an awkward position at family gatherings, y'know."

"Well not from personal experience," he smiled, "but I can imagine."

She shut the filing cabinet and leaned against it, breathing heavily again.

"Natalie?" he asked taking a step towards her.

"I'm fine," she breathed. "Just got a little winded for a second."

"Take it easy," he cautioned her.

"I will," she said, but rather than resting she walked to the coffee pot and began refilling it.

"How's the move going?" he asked half sitting on the edge of her desk.

"Slowly," she groaned. "Kelly's pretty much moved out, but I really haven't been able to motivate myself to pack. And then the nursery furniture was delivered the other day while I was out and Kevin and Duke decided to set it up without asking me and somehow managed to break something, so we have to wait for it to be replaced."

"Well next time, tell them if they need help, I'm available," John said. Not that assembling furniture was something he had much practice at, but he felt a pang of jealousy at the knowledge that someone else had been setting up his child's furniture without him. He didn't even have an idea what the furniture looked like. There were parts of expectant fatherhood which he was missing out on because of the gap between him and Natalie.

"You're always welcome to come help me decorate," she said catching the distant look in his eye and wanting to bring him back.

"Not really my strong suit," he admitted.

Rounding her desk she seemed about to respond before she stopped suddenly and bent over supporting herself on the desk.

"Natalie?" he asked shifting his weight back on to his feet.

"I'm okay," she said bringing a hand to her chest, she was out of breath again, "I just had this weird pain."

"Is it the baby?" he asked in alarm.

She shook her head, "No, it's higher than that." Cautiously she started to stand up but swayed and might have fallen if John hadn't quickly caught her in his arms. He eased her back into her chair; she was breathing quickly and shallowly and her lips were white. There was fear in her eyes which he knew was also in his own as she whimpered, "Something's wrong."

* * *

Author's note #2: Okay, you didn't really think I'd let them go a whole chapter without a new crisis, did you?

* * *

"First of all," Dr. Paige Miller said to them trying to sound cheerful, "the baby appears to be fine. Dr. Conklin's on her way in, just to make sure." 

"So what's wrong with me," Natalie asked, gripping John's hand.

"You've developed something called pericarditis," she said, "which is-"

"I know what it is," Natalie said, "I've been through it with my mom."

"What is it?" John asked tensely.

"It's an inflammation of the sac around the heart," she explained, "It fills with fluid and puts pressure on the heart muscle, that's what caused the pain and shortness of breath."

"Is this related to the lupus?" Natalie asked.

Paige nodded. "Probably. It's not uncommon in lupus patients."

"But you can- can you stop it?" John stammered.

Paige gave him a reassuring smile, "Usually. This is actually something that can go away by itself with no permanent damage, but I'm going to prescribe a short course of steroids to see if we can make the inflammation go away quickly. If it doesn't, we can try draining the fluid off, but for now I'd rather avoid that, simply because it does carry a very slight risk for the baby."

"But the steroids are safe?" John asked.

"Absolutely," she said. Paige paused and sighed, "There is one other problem."

"What?" Natalie asked pulling John's hand close to her chest.

"Your blood pressure is dangerously high," she told her, "something called preeclampsia, which can lead to seizures, so we're going to start you on treatment for that as well. I really expect you and the baby will be fine, but you're not going anywhere for a while. You may very well be spending the rest of your pregnancy here with us so that you and the baby can be monitored."

Tears came to Natalie's eyes which she squeezed shut as she nodded, "Whatever I have to do."

John smoothed the hair away from her forehead. "I'm sorry," she sobbed turning to him.

"Shh," he said soothingly, "it's not your fault."

"I should have been more careful," she said, her voice cracking.

"It's unlikely you would have been able to prevent this," Paige said, "The best thing you can do for you and the baby right now is rest and try to remain calm."

Dr. Conklin walked in at that moment with a reassuring smile. "Natalie, how are you two doing?" she asked as Paige handed her a clipboard.

Blinking back tears Natalie didn't answer as the doctor looked over her chart.

"Well fetal heart rate is good. Better than Mom's at this point I'd say."

Natalie nodded. 'Better than Dad's too,' John thought to himself.

Dr. Conklin looked up at them, "I'd like to run an ultrasound, just to make sure everything's okay. Who knows, maybe the baby will be more cooperative this time and we can figure out whether you need to start buying pink or blue while we're at it."

"I already settled on yellow," Natalie said trying to force a smile.

Dr. Conklin left to get the ultrasound techs but Paige lingered for a moment. "You know," she said, "your uncle tells me that there's a betting pool going at the station about whether it's a boy or a girl."

"Why am I not surprised?" John said hoarsely. He was trying to sound cheerful, trying to sound calm for Natalie and the baby, but he was scared. To think that when he'd first found out about the baby he had been so preoccupied with all the secrets between them and now they all seemed so insignificant. The thought of Natalie angry with him, hating him even, was nothing compared to the fear of losing her or the baby altogether.

Dr. Conklin managed to arrange the ultrasound quickly and still holding hands John and Natalie watched breathlessly as she studied the images. "Everything looks fine," she announced.

"Thank God!" Natalie whispered in a tone that was more a genuine prayer of thankfulness than a casual exclamation.

"And she must know you're having a bad day because she decided to cooperate this time."

"She?" John asked making sure he understood the doctor correctly.

"Yes," she said, "Congratulations, you're having a baby girl."

"You were right," he said caressing the hair at Natalie's temple.

"Of course I was," she said smiling genuinely for the first time since they'd arrived.

After Dr. Conklin finished they moved her to another room. John left her only briefly to call her family and let them know what was happening. Returning to her room he sat down beside her and she reached for his hand.

"I think I might have bruised this earlier," she said holding his hand up, "I know I was squeezing you pretty hard."

"It's okay," he said.

Looking into his eyes, her own still wet with tears she was barely holding in she said, "I'm scared John."

"I know," he admitted, "me too. But it's going to be okay."

"You don't know that," she said softly looking away.

"Hey," he said gently nudging her face back towards his, "I know you. And I know us. And it's true that bad things keep happening to us, but you know what I've noticed? We always make it through them. So I know you're going to get through this. You and our baby girl."

He let his free hand brush lightly over her stomach. She placed her hand over it and held it there. "Our baby girl," she said in wonder, "I know you kept telling me I was wrong- that it wasn't a girl… but you're not disappointed are you?"

He shook his head, "Not at all. I knew you were probably right; I was just giving you a hard time. As long as she's healthy… No, I'm actually glad it's a girl."

"Me too," a voice said from the doorway as a familiar blond figure stepped in, "there are enough Buchanan men, I'm sick of being out numbered."

"Jessica?" Natalie asked, surprised but lighting up.

"Hey!" she said walking in and giving her sister as much of a hug as she could with Natalie in bed.

"I didn't know you were coming back," Natalie said, "How are you doing?"

"Really good," Jessica said smiling, "I tried to go surprise you at the station, but they told me you were here. Am I interrupting?"

"No," John said standing up, "in fact, I'll leave you two alone to catch up. I have some phone calls to make."

He stepped into the hallway thinking to call his brother, but saw Michael walking towards him instead.

"I just heard," Michael said, "how's she doing?"

"Okay, I guess," John said running a hand over his hair. "I don't know, you tell me. I don't understand any of this medical stuff."

"Well, it's serious," Michael admitted, "but it's not that rare. The doctors here know how to handle it, they should be fine."

John stared into space, not really looking at anything, thinking. "How are you doing?" Michael asked him.

He shrugged. "I'm fine," he said, "but I just… it's like nothing can go right for us, you know."

"Well look on the bright side," Michael said reaching for something comforting, "after this, dealing with this kid as a teenager should be a breeze."

John didn't laugh at Michael's joke, he didn't even smile. Instead he said, "You know, a while back, Natalie told me she was afraid to trust me with her heart. I'm going to trust her heart to you, Michael. You and Dr. Miller and anyone else that can make sure she and the baby are okay."

"Well then I guess she'd better be okay," Michael said, "Cause I swore if you ever trusted me again I wouldn't let you down."

* * *

"So seriously," Natalie said studying her sister's face, "How are you doing?" 

"Really, really well," she said, "I am fully integrated. I'm going to stay in therapy here, but I am home to stay."

"That's good," Natalie said smiling.

"I thought I was getting home in time to plan you a fabulous shower, but you kinda went and put a damper on that."

"Believe me," Natalie said, "it wasn't my idea."

"I know," Jessica said, "I'm just trying to make you smile." Adopting a scolding tone she added, "By the way, you are a terrible letter writer."

"Sorry," Natalie said sheepishly, "it's just things have been kind of crazy."

"I know," Jessica said softly, "Mom and Antonio have kept me pretty well up to date. How are things between you and John?"

"I don't know," Natalie said, "I mean we seem to be getting closer. And we've worked through a lot. Today he's just been wonderful through all this. I just… I don't know what's wrong with me, but every now and then I remember what he did… and I get angry all over again. He's beating himself up enough, so I try not to let it show, but-"

"Don't feel like you have to hide it from him," Jessica said, "it's probably better if you both acknowledge it. Otherwise it's going to be impossible to work through."

"Are John and I going to be terrible parents?" Natalie asked fearfully.

"No!" Jessica laughed, "What would make you think that?"

"Because we're both so screwed up. And our relationship is so messed up and-"

"Listen," Jessica said firmly, "Antonio told me that he talked to you when he was worried about me and that you said something which gave him the courage to keep fighting for us. And that was that when two people love each other, in the end that's all that matters. You and John love each other, anyone can see that. And I can see how much you both love this baby. In the end, that's what's going to make you wonderful parents."

* * *

It was four weeks later that John got the call as he was preparing to leave work. He saw Michael's name on the caller ID. "What is it Mikey?" he asked flipping the phone open. 

"Hey, John," Michael said solemnly. "I'm at the hospital. I think you need to get down here."

"What's wrong?" John asked grabbing his coat, "Is it Natalie?"

"She's fine," Michael said, "the baby's fine, but you need to come down here."

"On my way," he said heading out the door.

To be continued.

* * *

Author's note #3: Okay, another cliff hanger ending, but not as bad as some I've given you. And the good news is the next chapter is mostly written already so it may be up as early as tomorrow. Also, I hate coming up with names, so if any of you have suggestions for this kid feel free to email them.  



	18. Chapter 18

Author's Note: First off thanks to everyone for the baby name suggestions. Names used provided by The Goddess of Snark and G (my fellow McLatina!) I love it when my readers do my work for me! It's a shame you all haven't been able to write all this medical jargon for me. This is a short chapter, but I wanted it to break at this point. There should be more soon.

So blame for this not being up sooner. Wish I could say the extra revision time made it better… but better things are coming, I swear.

* * *

Michael met him as he arrived at the hospital. "What's going on?" he demanded. 

Michael took a deep breath, it was clear he didn't want to be the one to tell John what he was about to. "They're going to section her tomorrow," he said.

"What?" John asked, "I don't understand, she's only 29 weeks. It's too early."

"Her pressure spiked again," Michael explained, "They're worried about eclampsia. If she seizes we could lose both her and the baby."

Stunned John took a few aimless steps and turned to back Michael, "Well if they're so worried why are they waiting until tomorrow?"

"Delivery can be one of the most dangerous times for seizures. They want to treat Natalie with magnesium overnight to lower the risk of seizure during the section."

"Level with me Michael," John said tensely, "are they going to make it?"

"Well the best treatment for preeclampsia is delivery," Michael said, "she should be fine once the baby's born."

"And the baby?"

"I'm not going to lie," Michael said cautiously, "eleven weeks early is still cause for concern, but there have been so many advances in the care of premature babies over the last few years, and we have a great Neonatal unit here. On top of that, it's actually good that Natalie's been sick. They've known that premature delivery was a strong possibility, so she'd been getting steroids to help the baby's lung development. So you're baby will probably be with us for a while, but I think she'll be okay."

"Okay," John said, trying to convince himself of this.

"Now I think Natalie really needs you," Michael said, "so you need to go find her."

* * *

Natalie was staring at the ceiling and he could tell she'd been crying. She looked at him as he came in and said hoarsely, "They told you?" 

"Yeah," he said sitting down beside her, "Michael called me."

"It's too soon," she whimpered.

He brushed a stray lock of hair away from her face, "Michael says it's not. He says she has a good chance. If she's anything like her mother, she's strong. She's gonna make it."

Natalie shook her head, not quite believing him. "John, right now, our baby is inside of me… and no matter how screwed up my life or our relationship is, at least she's safe. And tomorrow, they're going to take her. And I don't know what's going to happen." Tears began to spill out of her eyes.

"Shh," he said, "I know. I'm scared too. Scared for both of you."

"Don't worry about me," she said.

"That's kind of impossible," he said smiling tenderly at her. "You know, the way I see it, our kid's getting off easy."

"What?" she asked giving him a blank look.

"Well, when Mikey and I were growing up, if we ever made mom mad, tried to question her authority, she'd go into this whole thing of 'I carried you for nine months…!' Well you're only going to be able to say, 'I carried you for six and a half months!' So she won't get quite the guilt trip."

She smiled ever so slightly then sighed. "I'm not ready for this," she said shaking her head, "John, we don't even have a name picked out for her."

"Well we better do then," he said, thinking a distraction could only help her, "you have anything in mind?"

"I don't know," she said, "I mean it's the kind of thing little girls come up with on the playground… we'd make everyone pick out one girl name and one boy name."

"And what did you decide on?" he asked.

"Keep in mind I was twelve, don't laugh too hard," she cautioned him. "Isis Kathleen was the girl's name and the boy's name was Tristan Darius."

"Isis?" he asked.

"We did this unit on Egyptian mythology. I though she was kind of cool. I think the idea of this all powerful mother really appealed to me. Anyway, I realize now our child would likely be mocked for it, so I'd recommend we avoid goddess names."

"Well, Kathleen's not bad," he said.

Natalie tried it out, "Kathleen McBain."

"McBain?" he asked startled. They'd never discussed what last name the baby would carry, and he'd been afraid to broach the subject.

"Well, yeah," she said, "I mean I assumed… if that's okay."

"Are you kidding?" he said ruffling her hair, "Of course it's okay."

It was clear that a thought suddenly came into her mind and she grew sober again. "I never got a chance to tell you—I signed the papers."

"What?" he asked, not knowing what she was talking about.

"The divorce papers. I'm not married to Cristian anymore."

"Oh," he said, unsure of how to react. He was undeniably happy that the mother of his child was no longer married to someone else, both for what it meant for the baby and what it meant for the two of them. But thinking about Cristian Vega inevitably reminded him of how much he'd messed up—how much he'd hurt her.

She sighed. "I can't be the woman he married anymore than he can be the man I married. So much has happened…"

"I know a lot of that has been my fault," he said in a hoarse voice, "and I am so sorry for that."

"It's not a matter of blame, John," she said looking into his eyes, "things just happened."

"So what happens now?"

She smiled wryly, "I don't know. Do you think we'll ever be able to say what we really mean without a crisis scaring us into it?"

Kissing her hand he said, "I plan to make it a rule from now on to be straight with you all the time."

"Okay then," he said toying with his hand, "I have a question for you."

"Go ahead," he said.

"When did you realize you were in love with me?"

"It's a hard question to answer," he said thoughtfully. "I'm a little slow so there was more than one moment. Like I'd come to this realization and then I'd talk myself out of it."

"Like for example," she pressed.

Knowing this would be a painful subject, but feeling she had the right to hear it he said, "The night I found out Cristian was back. The night with the shooting at the television station. I saw you kneeling over him and it hit me that I'd missed my chance."

"Well that explains why you were always in our faces when he was around," she said, "but I don't understand… after that I was completely available, but you kept pushing me away."

"I hated lying to you," he said, "but I felt like I had to respect Cristian's decision. I just thought somehow it made it worse if I was benefiting from the lie."

"Better for us all to be miserable," she summarized.

"Like I said, I'm a little slow."

"Yeah you are," she reached up to finger the hair which hung loosely beside his face, "but it's one of the things I love about you. Because I do love you John."

"I love you too," he said staring into her eyes; willing for her to see somehow in his own exactly how deep that love went. Leaning forward he gently brought his lips to hers, kissing her gently, but passionately. He felt her kissing him back, her fingers tangling in his hair.

"Easy," she breathed in his ear when he pulled back slightly, "I have a heart condition you know."

He cleared his throat and sat up, she'd been joking, but she had a point. "So… Kathleen McBain," he repeated, "has kind of a ring to it. But I don't know… Kathleen's a little old-fashioned; I think it works better as a middle name."

"You're right," she said. "Any first name suggestions?"

He shook his head, "I'm just here to say 'yes' or 'no', I am deferring to you completely on the creative stuff."

"Come on," she urged him, "help me out."

They both thought in silence for a moment before he said, "Okay, well there's this song… One of my cousins has this like Irish type band and the last time I went to see them they had this love song… it's not my type of music but it just had this description of this woman that really stuck with me for some reason. About how she was this angel who had come into this guy's life… And I figure this little girl is kind of like our angel and I know her mother is my angel."

"So what's this angel's name?" she asked sounded intrigued.

"Kiara."

"Kiara Kathleen McBain," she said. "I like it. I mean if she gets my hair she might be a little painfully Irish, but I like it."

"Yeah, me too," he said.

"You don't think-" she started to say something and stopped herself.

"What?" he asked.

"Kathleen, I just realized," she explained, "it's very close to Caitlin."

"Is that okay with you?" he asked.

"If it is with you," she said.

"Actually, I hadn't even realized it," he said, "I can't see any reason not to use the name."

Rubbing her stomach thoughtfully she said, "I know in some traditions if you name a child after someone who's passed, that person's spirit will look after the child. I never knew Caitlin, but I know you loved her and she loved you. And if she wants to look after our child, I kind of like the idea."

"Me too," he said wrapping her hand in both of his and kissing it again.

* * *

He held tightly to her hand and forced himself to look nowhere but her eyes. She couldn't see what was going on around her, and he could tell the feeling of being out of control was making her anxious. Despite his own fear he tried to transmit assurance and tranquility to her. 

Michael had warned him that the baby might not cry at first, but that there would be a neonatologist in the OR to start working on her immediately. He held his breath waiting, not able to make any sense of the noise that the doctor and nurses working around the small bed to the side were making as they worked swiftly. And then a thin cry floated above the babble and he gasped in relief.

He saw relief wash over Natalie's face. "That's our baby," he said kissing her hand.

"Our baby," she said through tears. "She's breathing."

"She's going to be all right," he said laughing in relief.

Natalie her eyes and relaxed. And then he heard another noise he didn't understand. A high pitched whine as Natalie's hand went limp in his. Someone pushed him back, ripping her hand away altogether. "Natalie!" he called as the other group of doctors descended on her…

To be continued.

Soon. I promise.

* * *

Author's note #2: Btw, the song mentioned by John is actually by Luka Bloom and spells the name Ciara (which is the more traditional Gaelic spelling, Gaelic not actually having a "K") but I like the other spelling better. And when reality and your stories conflict, just change reality. 


	19. Chapter 19

Author's note: I will confess to knowing nothing about Pennsylvania paternity law and being too lazy to look it up. So we're drawing from what I know which is mostly Virginia with a hit of Texas, Louisiana, and Hawaii.

And once again, if my story and reality disagree, my story always wins.

Thank you all for reading thus far; it's almost over. Reviews/critiques always appreciated.

* * *

John looked through the NICU windows at the tiny bed with the label, "Vega" at its foot. He wondered if it was some sort of divine vengeance or just a cruel irony that his baby should have Cristian's last name. She didn't really, he knew. Michael had explained it to him multiple times, "Hospital policy, while the baby's in the nursery it's referred to by the mother's last name. It's no reflection of what the birth certificate will say." Natalie had signed the divorce papers, but in the midst of everything she hadn't remembered to legally change her name. It was such an understandable oversight, and yet it hurt so much to see his child with another man's name. Especially considering all the history wrapped up in that name. 

She was dwarfed by the ventilator and the IV's and whatever all the wires connected to the tiny baby were, but she was still the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen. From what he'd been able to glean she was doing as well as could be expected. He'd been watching her almost non-stop for the past thirty-six hours, leaving only periodically to check on her mother who had yet to awaken. He wasn't allowed any closer than this; not allowed to talk with the neonatologist about her condition. He had no legal claim to the baby until Natalie woke up and said he did. Leaning against the glass he told himself Natalie would be awake soon; Natalie would be fine. Michael said she was doing better and seemed surprised she wasn't awake already. But since she couldn't be there at the moment he stood there willing his strength to their baby girl so she could keep fighting.

He suspected his constant presence was making the nurses uncomfortable. He heard a group of them talking as they walked by.

"-been there since yesterday. I swear I don't think he's moved. Wish half the dads were that dedicated."

"Yeah, mom seized in the OR and is still out. Hasn't told anyone who gets the second bracelet. He can't come in till she does."

"They're not married?"

"No, and I got asked about the last name issue already. Apparently it's her first husband's name or something and she's in the progress of changing hers and baby's gonna have dad's name… I don't know."

"Have to feel bad for him-"

"Don't feel too bad! No one to blame but himself—he could have married her."

As they disappeared into the nursery proper their voices became inaudible. He could almost laugh at the nurse's simplistic understanding of their situation. One thing they were right about though, he had no one to blame but himself.

Across the nursery, by the door he was surprised to see Victoria Davidson talking with one of the nurses. The nurse turned and looked at him momentarily then smiling turned back to Viki. He supposed that they were discussing the baby's condition; Viki, at least, was legally family. Unlike him.

Trying not to let himself be distracted by jealousy he turned his attention back to the tiny pink form of his daughter. He quickly became so entranced that he actually jumped when a gentle hand touched his arm.

"I didn't mean to startle you," Viki said.

"Mrs. Davidson. How's Natalie?" he asked eagerly.

"She's not awake yet," she said, "but she's doing fine. I'm sure she'll wake up soon."

He nodded in hopeful agreement turning his eyes back to his daughter. "She's beautiful, isn't she?" Viki observed. "A miracle, really."

"Yeah," he said softly in wonder.

"You know, John," she said, "There are certain unofficial perks of being on the hospital board."

He turned to her in surprise. Did she get access to the baby even though she had no more right to enter the NICU than him? It was unlike Viki to gloat over something like that. But Viki pointed down the hall a few feet where the nurse she'd been speaking to was motioning to him.

"Sir?" she said. He walked quickly to her. "I have to clean the inside of the isolette your baby's in. I need someone to hold the baby just for a moment while I do that. Mrs. Davidson suggested you might be willing."

"Of course," he said in disbelief. He turned back to Viki who smiled at him encouragingly. The nurse smiled and led him into the nursery.

And so a few moments later the nurse carefully placed Kiara Kathleen McBain, still tethered with wires, in her father's arms for the first time.

"Hey," he said to her softly. "I'm your dad. Mom will be here soon… she loves you very much, she's just a little sick herself… I have to let you know something… you might as well hear it now. Your dad's pretty stupid sometimes. You probably could have done better in choosing fathers, so I'm sorry about that. But I don't think I could have ever done better than you and your mom. I'm trying to stop being so stupid, for both of you… I promise that I am going to give you and your mom the best life I can, whatever that takes."

* * *

She started awake with only one thought—the baby was gone. For so many months now she'd grown accustomed to the constant presence of that life within her and now it wasn't there. They'd taken her somewhere. She touched her empty stomach, it felt sore, hollow. She had to find her baby. 

She sat up and horrific pain ripped through her abdomen, but adrenaline quickly kicked in and she put her feet on the floor. She was tangled in wires and cords. She ripped one of them off and it screamed at her.

* * *

Michael was exhausted. Between working his shifts and being there for John he had only left the hospital for moments at a time over the last couple days. But when he heard the alarm, instinct took over and he walked swiftly to find the source. His heart sank as he realized which room it was coming from. "No," he thought, "please God, not her…" 

But when he walked into the room he was surprised to see Natalie sitting on the edge of the bed looking at her monitor leads in confusion. She turned to him and said weakly, "I took these off and they started buzzing."

Laughing with relief and at her naïve statement he said, "That's because you're not supposed to take them off, you nut." Taking her by both shoulders he tried to ease her back into the bed, but she struggled against him.

"Michael, my baby!" she exclaimed.

"She's in the NICU," he said in his calm doctor's voice, "John's with her."

"John," Natalie said mostly to herself, wishing he was here. He would find her baby for her.

"He's gonna be real glad to see you're up," Michael told her, "If you let me get you settled back in I'll go get him."

"No!" she said fighting his attempts to maneuver her back into the bed, "I need to see my baby!"

The door to her room opened and Rex walked in, lighting up to see Natalie awake. "Hey! Sleeping beauty's up!"

Pegging him as an ally Natalie turned to him and said plaintively, "Rex, he won't let me see my baby."

"Natalie," Michael said firmly, "you're not supposed to be up yet. You're going to rip your stitches. And you need to calm down! Your heart stopped during the section-"

"My heart's going to stop again if you don't let me see my baby!" she argued, slowly becoming more lucid and even more determined to see her daughter.

"She's right, doc," Rex said, "we both know her; she's not going to calm down till she gets what she wants. Can't we wheel her down there or something?"

Michael looked at Rex and looked at Natalie, studying her desperate face. He was probably going to get in trouble for this, but how could he tell her 'no'? She wouldn't listen anyway, Rex was right. "Okay," he sighed, "But just for a couple minutes. Let me get a wheelchair and a nurse to clean you up."

Natalie looked down and realized for the first time that there as blood running down her legs. Seeing the look of panic on her face Michael said calmly, "It's from the section. It's okay, it's normal."

John stood outside the nursery again, feeling like the glass barrier was much thinner than it had been a few minutes before. Somehow he was certain now that Kiara was going to be okay. His thoughts turned to Natalie and he considered going downstairs to check on her just as he heard her voice calling his name softly. He turned, although he fully expected to discover it had been his imagination, and there she was. In a wheelchair being pushed by his brother and followed closely by hers. She looked pale and weak but she was okay.

He ran to her side and knelt in front of her. "You have no idea how glad I am to see those eyes," he said caressing her face.

"John, the baby?" she said sounding desperate.

"She's right over here," he said, motioning towards the nursery. "She's amazing."

Michael nodded to a doctor who approached them, "Guys, this is Dr. Amireh, he's the neonatologist." They had both been introduced to the doctor the day before Kiara was born; he nodded to them.

"How is she?" Natalie asked anxiously.

Dr. Amireh smiled kindly, "Well, as you know she's very premature. Considering this she is doing very well. She has a touch of premature lung disease, which is exactly what it sounds like—her lungs just aren't quite developed enough yet so we have her on a ventilator. She's actually been trying to breathe on her own, and fighting with the ventilator-"

"She's just like her mom," Michael mumbled.

"-but because she can't quite breathe well enough we have given her a tranquilizer to make her stop. We don't want her wasting her strength fighting the vent. Things with preemies are always delicate, but she is doing very well. We usually estimate that we keep them here till their due date, but you may be able to take her home sooner."

"Can we see her?" Natalie begged more than asked.

"Come with me," Dr. Amireh nodded.

As he took the chair away from Michael, John bent over and kissed her on the cheek. She craned her head so that she could kiss him back. "See I told you," he whispered, "we always get through."

To be continued.

* * *

Author's note #2: There's just the epilog left. I really hope you all like it so far. 


	20. Epilogue

Disclaimer: Still not my characters!

Author's note: This is it. The absolute end. The monstrosity is complete. I hope you all enjoy, thank you so much for reading. There's more gushing from me at the end.

I had the beginning and end of this chapter in my head, almost from the moment I started this piece (a long time ago) but I got very stuck in the middle, which I'm still not thrilled with.

* * *

"Okay, what am I forgetting," Natalie said tapping her foot anxiously. 

"Nothing," Kevin assured her.

"Oh!" she said, "I can't imagine she'll go through everything in the fridge, but there's more milk in the freezer if you need it. You know how to defrost it?"

"Yes," he said, not pointing out it was the third time at least she'd asked him that.

"Okay and if she gets fussy usually if you walk around with her it helps. And sometimes if you sing-"

"You haven't heard Kevin sing," Kelly said smiling from the sofa where she sat holding Kiara.

"Would you just get her out of here?" Kevin said rolling his eyes good-naturedly at John who was standing to the side, amused at the whole situation.

"I'm trying," John said sounding somewhat helpless.

"And seriously, Kevin," Natalie continued, "wash your hands because-"

"Natalie," Kevin said firmly, "I've been a father, remember?"

"I know, but preemies are more delicate-"

"As you've told us over and over," he reminded her.

"Go on!" Kelly said brightly, "You two have a great night. We'll be fine!"

"Okay," Natalie said walking over and bending down to kiss her daughter. "Give Mommy one more kiss. I love you!"

"Bye!" Kevin said when she didn't move immediately. "Before I have to call and ask Renee to move your reservation to a later time."

"If you need anything call," Natalie pleaded.

"I promise," he said.

"You have my number?"

"Of course I have your number."

"And John's?"

"Yes. And the Palace and the pediatrician and the police…"

"This is a bad idea," Natalie said bringing a hand to her forehead, "I can't leave her yet."

"I know it's hard," Kelly said sympathetically, "but you need a night off. She's almost three months old."

"But I just got her home," Natalie argued.

"Three weeks ago," Kevin pointed out.

"But-" whatever she had been about to protest she was interrupted by John.

"Okay you," he said grabbing both her arms from behind and scooting her towards the door, "we're going."

"Thank you!" Kevin sighed opening the door for them, "And don't bring her back too early or we'll just send you out again."

"Have a good time!" Kelly said as John pushed Natalie through the door.

"Hey, by the way, no defiling my couch!" Natalie called back to her brother over her shoulder. "You two are working!"

* * *

"Natalie honey!" Renee said greeting them as they entered the Palace dining room. "You look beautiful! How's the baby doing?" 

"She's great," Natalie said glowing the way she always did when she talked about Kiara.

"Well bring her by to see your grandfather and me sometime," she said patting Natalie on the shoulder. "How are you, John?"

"Can't complain," he said, "I'm sorry if we're a little late."

"Oh, don't worry about that," she assured them, "that happens when you have a baby at home." She motioned for one of the hostesses to take them to their table.

"You do look amazing," John told Natalie as they settled into their chairs.

Natalie smoothed her hands self-consciously over the front of the blue satin dress Jessica had convinced her to wear. "The dress has gotten a little tight," she said.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," he said smiling at her, no doubt noting that her cleavage was decidedly more pronounced than it had been the last time he'd seen her in that dress.

She blushed, "Well you clean up pretty good yourself."

"Yeah?" he said looking down at his suit uncertainly. "It was real nice of your brother to arrange this."

"Yeah," she said wistfully, looking off into space for a moment before suddenly grabbing her purse. "I'm going to run to the ladies' room for a sec."

John eyed her suspiciously. "Or you can just call Kevin from right here."

She looked guilty and let go of her purse. "I'm being ridiculous, aren't I?"

"A little," he admitted, "but I figure everything you've been through, you're entitled."

"You know, I swore I wasn't going to be one of those paranoid mothers. I just… you know, I think about how close we came to losing her…"

"I came pretty close to loosing you too," he said looking into her eyes to intensely that she blushed again and looked down at the table. "I know what you mean."

"And what am I complaining about anyway?" she said, "I get to have her with me all the time." John had gotten into the habit of bringing lunch over for them every afternoon and stopping by after work most nights, but he admitted he would have preferred more time with them. He just didn't want to push Natalie beyond her comfort zone.

Natalie opened her purse and began rummaging through it. John expected her to pull out her cell phone but instead she retrieved a key on a battered Buchanan Enterprises keychain. "I was going to put this in a box and wrap it up all nice… but I haven't gotten around to it and I want you to have it," she said handing it to him.

"Is this-?"

"It's a key to the carriage house. I want you to know you are welcome to come anytime. Really. Four in the morning. We're usually up," she said with a laugh.

"Thanks," he said hooking it on to his other keys, "this really- it means a lot."

She looked around them, "You know, like you said, it was nice of Kevin to do this and everything, but he kind of missed the mark."

"How so?" John asked furrowing his brow.

"Well it's just not us, is it? The fancy restaurant, the fancy wine, the fancy food. I'm not saying I don't enjoy getting dressed up or seeing you dressed up, but this just isn't really our thing?"

"I just wanted tonight to be special for you," he explained.

"Wait," she said raising an eyebrow, "I thought Kevin arranged this."

"He did," he said smirking guiltily, "but I may have been a consultant on the matter."

"Since when do you consult with Kevin?" she asked.

"There was a middle man involved," he said.

She thought for a moment, "Uncle Bo?"

He shook his head, "I have incriminated enough people already."

"Well it was very sweet," she said taking a sip of her wine.

"All the same," he said, "if you want to get out of here after the appetizer and go some place else, that's fine with me."

"Can we have dessert instead of an appetizer?" she asked mischievously.

"We can do whatever you want," he said smiling at her.

"Except go home?" she verified.

He looked at his watch, "No, I'm required to have you out for at least another two hours."

* * *

They wound up at Rodi's, a little overdressed but feeling much more at home. "Hey Nattie!" Roxy said staggering over from the bar, "How's it going?" 

Before Natalie or John could answer Roxy looked around them and asked softly, "Hey um… did you guys forget something? You know, kinda pink and squirmy and weighs about the same as a bowling ball?"

"Kevin's watching her," Natalie explained.

"Whoo," Roxy said in relief.

Natalie grew quiet as they sat down. John reached over the table and took her hand, "You okay?"

"Yeah," she said softly, "I just-" she glanced uneasily back towards Roxy.

"Roxy really _did_ forget you at home when you were little, didn't she?" he asked.

She nodded, "I don't know if she really forgot so much as… I just don't want Kiara to ever feel that way—alone. Like she's an inconvenience. I guess maybe that's why I go overboard a little bit."

"Believe me," he assured her, "she won't ever feel that way."

"Hey guys," Michael said walking up to their table, "um… you look… overdressed."

"We just came from the Palace," John explained.

"Ah," his brother said, "listen, I want to thank you two."

"For what?" Natalie asked.

He leaned over their table conspiratorially, "Because I'm here meeting one of the nurses from the NICU who took care of Kiara. You know, I came by everyday to check on her, we got to talking…the concerned uncle thing plays real well."

"Glad we could help you out," John said giving his brother an amused look.

"There she is," Michael excitedly, "I'll see you guys later."

As he practically skipped off to join a petite brunette Natalie turned to John. "You know, John, I never apologized. I know I caused a lot of problems between you and your brother and-"

"Hey," he cut her off, "you weren't the one who caused them. We were all involved. And it's all behind us now, so let's not worry about it-"

"Excuse me!" a loud voice said, "Where is my godchild?"

"She's at home with her Uncle Kevin," Natalie said as Rex pulled a chair up to their table.

Rex seemed to ponder this for a moment, "You think you can trust him?"

Natalie smiled remembering exactly how little trust she'd shown Kevin earlier that night. "I think so," she said.

"Hey Natalie! John!" Adriana said coming up behind Rex, "Rex was just telling me all about Kiara. I think she has him wrapped around her little tiny finger already."

"Hey!" Rex said defensively, "Can I help it if I'm a sucker for beautiful women?"

"Well she is beautiful," Natalie said.

"I'd love to meet her," Adriana said.

"I'll take you over there sometime," Rex said eagerly.

"Sounds great," she said. "Oh there's Duke!"

As she left their table to meet him, Rex turned to Natalie holding up two fingers, "I am this close."

Natalie shook her head as he left to mingle elsewhere. "Is it me or are our brothers using our daughter as a tool for picking up women?"

He nodded, "They are."

"Okay, you two," Jessica scolded as she approached their table, "you're supposed to be at the Palace."

"How did you know about that?" Natalie said tilting her head back to look at her sister.

"Kevin told me," she said.

"Ah," Natalie said, "well we went to the Palace, but then we escaped. Just wasn't... us."

"Well as long as you're having a good night out," Jessica said slinking off to join Antonio.

"Why does everybody in this town always show up at the same place on the same night?" Natalie pondered out loud.

"I don't know," John said, "but it does kind of make it hard to have a quiet night out together."

"Yeah," she mused, "next time let's have a quiet night _in_ together. You can steal some bad movies from Michael, we can sit on the couch and eat ice cream and popcorn…"

"Sounds great," he said not able to stop his mind from wandering to the other things that could be involved in a quiet night in together. "In the meantime, I think the table's open," he said nodding towards the pool table, "you up for a game?"

She shook her head, "Not in this dress. If I lean over a pool table I'm pretty sure I'm gonna pop out of the top of it."

He made a show of considering this, "Well, I'm not saying I wouldn't like to see that, but not with quite so much of an audience."

"No," she reiterated.

"You up for a walk?"

"That I can do," she nodded.

It was a clear Spring night, though still a little chilly. John draped his suit jacket over Natalie's bare shoulders. They made their way slowly through Angel Square and up to the roof of the hotel.

"Well, I have to admit it's been nice," Natalie said looking at the view. "Despite all the anxiety over leaving Kiara, everyone and their brother bugging us… getting to spend some time with you, I forgot how nice it could be."

"Yeah?" he asked sliding an arm around her waist.

"Yeah," she said smiling at him.

"Well, I have to admit I got some help on this," he said.

"On what?" she asked in confusion.

He ignored her question and continued. "'Cause the last time I tried this I made a mess of it. And you scolded me, and rightfully so, because you said no woman would want it the way I did it. And it occurred to me that I really have no idea how women want these things. So I asked around, got some pointers…"

"John, what _are_ you talking about?"

He stepped away from her, turned to face her and dropped to one knee. And that's when she noticed the small velvet box in his hand.

"John?" she asked trembling as it began to sink in what he was doing.

"Now this isn't traditional," he said prying open the box, "Because I figured, you know, we're not traditional." He held up a white gold ring with a vibrant blue sapphire flanked by two small diamonds. "And I don't know anything about jewelry, but I saw this and it reminded me of your eyes and-"

"It's beauti-"

He held up a hand to stop her, "Okay, one thing they all told me is that you were supposed to shut up and let me do this."

"Okay," she said clapping a hand over her mouth as tears started to build in her eyes.

He cleared his throat. "Natalie, I have loved you for a very long time now. Long before I could say it; before I even knew it, I think. And I know I've put you through hell and I know that we seem to go from one crisis to the next, but I also know that I can get through any crisis as long as I have you. And I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. With you and Kiara. Holding you and doing everything in my power to make you as happy as you have made me," he paused and swallowed, "Natalie, will you marry me?"

Tears streaming down her face she squeaked, "Can I talk now?"

"Yes," he said taking a deep breath.

"Yes," she said nodding vigorously.

"Yes?"

"Yes," she repeated dropping to her knees in front of him. "Yes," she said grasping his face in both hands and bringing his lips to hers.

"Hold on," he said fumbling to get the ring out of the box. "You're supposed to let me put this on your finger."

"Sorry," she giggled wiping her eyes and letting him take her hand in his.

After sliding the ring onto her finger he kissed her hand softly, looking up into her eyes. Their eyes locked for a moment, losing themselves in each other before one of them lost their balance and knocked into the other and they tumbled to the ground in a heap of laughter and kisses and tears of joy.

* * *

When they finally made it back to the carriage house Natalie was relieved to discover that everything there had gone smoothly. "She fell asleep about an hour ago," Kelly explained, "she's such a good baby. She's really just a little angel." 

"She is, isn't she?" John said. Kiara was the 'angel' Kelly was referring to, of course, but John couldn't help thinking how much her mother was too. Smiling contentedly Natalie leaned against his side and he put an arm around her.

"See," Kevin said to his sister, "you were able to leave her with us and have a nice night out and nothing disastrous happened, did it?"

Natalie started to shake her head 'no' but John nudged her and said with feigned concern, "I don't know, show him what you did to your hand."

"Oh yeah," she said extending her left hand with the new ring sparkling on it, "look what I did to my hand!"

Kelly let out a short squeal and took Natalie's hand to examine the ring more closely.

"I don't get it," Kevin said, "what's wrong with it? Is it hurt?"

"Kevin!" Kelly said swatting him playfully on the arm, "the ring!"

"Oh the ring!" he said realizing the significance of it.

"I'm so glad you went with the sapphire!" Kelly gushed.

"Wait," Natalie laughed, "did you know about this?"

"I told you I got some advice," John explained, "I talked to your mother who got Jess involved who talked to Kelly…"

"No secrets in Llanview, apparently," Natalie smiled.

"Well congratulations," Kevin said hugging his sister and then reaching for John's hand, "you two deserve to be happy."

"You really do," Kelly said hugging them both, "and if you need any help with wedding arrangements, baby sitting, anything, give me a call."

"We will," Natalie assured her.

As the door shut behind them Natalie turned to John and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him into a passionate kiss. She broke away a moment later and said, "I'm sorry, I want to check on Kiara real quick." She started up the stairs before turning and adding, "You can come, if you want?"

He followed her into their daughter's nursery and watched her lean over the crib, kissing her fingertips and touching them gently to the sleeping baby's face. She looked over at him and saw the look of amazement on his face. "What?" she whispered.

"It's just… the two of you… it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

She moved over to him, wrapping herself in his arms without taking her eyes of Kiara. "Sometimes I can't believe this past year really happened. And that in the end… it all ended up so perfectly."

"I don't deserve either of you," he said, "but I am going to enjoy every minute we have."

"You haven't experienced 3 am feedings," she joked.

"I'm looking forward to it," he said kissing her cheek. For a long moment, unaware of any passage of time they stood there together, watching their miracle baby's chest rise and fall.

"John," Natalie said eventually, leaning back against him, "how'd you like to stay and kiss your daughter 'good morning'?"

"I don't know," he said tightening his arms around her, "do I get to kiss her mother 'good morning' too?"

She twisted in his grip to give him a sly smile, "I sure as hell hope you weren't planning on waiting till morning to kiss me."

"Oh I definitely wasn't," he said as he brought his lips down to hers.

"Right answer, McBain," she murmured as the kiss deepened and they made their way down the hall to the other bedroom.

The end.

* * *

Author's note #2: So something strange happened just now… there are tears in my eyes. I would love to believe that's due to my amazing writing, but I know it's not. It's that this is over. And I'm relieved and I'm glad to have it out of my head and into cyberspace so I can move on to other things… but I'm kind of sad too. I'm not generally a very sentimental person, but this is possibly the longest thing I've ever written (may I have the sense not to attempt a fic this long for a VERY long time. Or ever for that matter) and definitely the longest thing I've ever finished and it is just amazing to me that anyone would want to read this much of anything I've written. 

So I can't thank you all enough. All of you who gave me feedback, but really just any of you who have read this far. Thank you _so_ much from the bottom of my heart.


End file.
